“When Your Child’s Chronological and Developmental Ages Are Out of Sync”
“ADHD, like autism or a learning disability, is a neurodevelopmental disorder. In plain terms, it means that your child may not always ‘act their age.’”
A 17-year-old who excels in school but waits until the night before college applications are due to ask for recommendations.
A 14-year-old team captain who fights with his younger sibling as if he were 6 himself.
A 12-year-old with plenty of friends who forgets basic hygiene like brushing teeth or showering.
These are just a few ways that the gap between chronological age and developmental age shows up in youth with ADHD – a mismatch that leaves many parents bewildered.
ADHD, like autism or a learning disability, is a neurodevelopmental disorder. In plain terms, it means that your child may not always “act their age.” It’s why your child keeps pace with peers or even excels in some areas but falls well behind in others. The gap feels especially troubling as demands (and their consequences) balloon over time. Your child may be chronologically ready to get their driver’s license or go away to college, for instance, but they may not be developmentally ready.
You’re not the only one who sees the mismatch. Your child likely sees and feels it, too. For many children and teens with ADHD, the gap between their abilities and their peers’ often drives self-esteem challenges. It can deflate motivation, cause them to withdraw, and prompt them give up trying for fear of doing it wrong. Helping your child understand this temporary delay while building hope for their future can make a tremendous difference.
As your child continues to mature, use these tips to meet them where they are, support their independence, and help them reach their full potential.
[Read: What Parents Misunderstand About Executive Function]
1. Identify Your “Shoulds”
- Stop yourself when do you find yourself thinking, “My child should be able to do ___.”
- Ask: What are some expectations that you, your child’s school, or coach are maintaining, and your teen is not consistently meeting?
- Consider: If you subtracted a few years from your child’s age, would their behavior or skill level appear more appropriate?
“Shoulds” are cognitive thinking traps that fuel frustration and burnout and may even break family ties. Remember that studies suggest youth with developmental differences may function one to three years behind their peers in emotional regulation, impulse control, social awareness, and other areas. While your child may strive to be on the same page as others, the reality is different. It’s more productive to focus on adjusting expectations and building skills.
So if you find yourself thinking: He should know better than to miss assignments. He should always turn them in on time in middle school.
Try to think: It makes sense that this is hard for him. Although he is 13, his brain is working more like a 9- or 10-year-old on this skill. I’ll keep this in mind and work with him to figure out how I or school can help.
2. Create a Pathway for Success
Adjusting expectations doesn’t mean lowering them. You are meeting your child at their current maximum capacity and still nudging them forward. With that in mind, what would your child need to learn or do to develop lagging skills? What’s your role in supporting them, and who can help you?
[Read: How Can I Help My Teen Adopt a Growth Mindset?]
Be reasonable with yourself and what you can be expected to do as a parent vs. what would be the role of a teacher or support person. If turning in assignments on time is an issue, can you scaffold with visual reminders, checklists, routines, and other supports? Can a teacher provide reminders or assist with a daily planner? Loop your child into these conversations so they feel part of their growth.
If your child is working toward an activity they’re not developmentally ready for, like driving, provide clear guidelines and timelines for what you need to see from them to reach this goal. Remind your teen that it’s not that they’re forbidden from the activity; they just can’t do it “yet” — a tremendous difference for teens with ADHD and self-esteem challenges.
3. Where Does Your Child Shine?
Catch and reward moments of growth, and be sure to recognize your child’s efforts, not just outcomes. At the same time, ensure that your child has ample opportunity to participate in activities where they shine, like a sport or a hobby, to remind them of what their capabilities.
Let your child face small challenges independently and think like a coach; too much rescuing can reinforce anxiety and low self-esteem. Teach your child that moments of discomfort are learning opportunities that help them grow into the person they want to be. (Even better, model what you do when you face tough moments.)
Reassure your child that everyone develops at their own pace. As for yourself, know that many kids with ADHD “catch up” in maturity in young adulthood. Parenting a child with ADHD is not easy — and neither is being one. But with greater understanding of your child’s development, you can give them the compassion and space to develop at their own pace.
ADHD and Developmental Age: Next Steps
- Free Download: Boost Your Teen’s Executive Functions
- Read: How to Measure Your Child’s ‘Real Age’
- Read: How to Vanquish a Child’s Low Self-Esteem
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