The ADHD Strain: How Relationships Collapse Under the Weight of ADD

13 Comments: The ADHD Strain: How Relationships Collapse Under the Weight of ADD

1. this was so fantastic to read! sometimes people with adhd find something to be so surprisingly relatable (stuff we can’t put into words ourselves) that we feel the same way you do when you have a revelation or epiphany. very enjoyable and supportive knowing others experiences the same struggles (often in combination and/or in concert) and that some of these things actually can be put into words. I suppose everyone’s mind is like this in a way, but I know with adhd I can’t stand not being able to qualify and quantify things properly (apparently) for the people I care about and that care about me. the misunderstandings are deep and awkward. now, being diagnosed after an entire adult life of struggle and terrible decision-making, confusion, shame, even feeling shame because I felt I did not have the courage to at least commit hari-kari from the unbearable level of shame. a lifetime of negative messaging that you are lazy or not trying is a killer. read as many self-help books you want, good luck applying anything with adhd anyway. I would like to see similar versions of this same thing that are tuned to other types of relationships – parents, siblings, friends, co-workers.. see what I mean? I am single by choice and this stuff always comes across too feminine and again, not everyone chooses marriage. or, being that I have adhd, maybe you could just say some people just aren’t cut out for marriage. how interesting that I never saw much of anything long-term in my future…

2. Big thanks to your article, i love all of them. I’D like to add a tip/trick of mine. thx to herbal sexual drops spanish fly which had great effects on me and even my wife, we are still married, luckily. I want my wife to be like this forever, really. Can’t explain in words

3. I think women are more open to communicate than men are. Men try to cover things up for there spouses, and keep things close to there chest, in which could be unhealthy for them. I was married twenty five year with a spouse whom is ADHD and it was terrible for twenty five years. I did everything to help her. We ha d two amazing kids. I mean I did it all. All of the rearing of the kids, house chores, preparing all of their meals. I would do it again for my kids. The behavior that she played got the best of me, and I wanted and got out. Gob bless people whom are suffering. The behavior that comes with ADHD is horrible. She refused help, unitl divorce, at that point the damage had been done.

4. I too am a married woman of 53 years…My husband emotionally divorced me last night…I am the poster child for this…all of the descriptions of distractibility, restlessness, lack of intimacy, blah, blah, blah…I feel to terrible as I am just coming into an understanding of my ADHD…I deal with such shame and feelings of failure due to my growing up unaware…my mom and dad you loved me fully but didn’t know about ADD used to call me Dim-Tim…it then became and “endearing” nickname of DT love…when I would get into trouble I would come to them and say “call me DT love” because I wanted back into the emotional circle…Such sadness, such regret and such sorrow. In addition, I am married to a non-diagnosed perfectionist…you can image how that works…I also am called names all the time…Queen of 80%, lots of 4 letter words, narcissist, lazy, self-centered, stupid, dunce etc…At this point…I don’t know how things will go…I am taking Atomoxetina and working on setting up systems to remember…I’m sad

5. Has a lot of difficulties with stress management and regular responsibilities become extremely overwhelming.

6. I have been married 19 years. My husband has probably had adhd all his life but became a big issue after our marriage.He hyperfocuses on things and im a disposable value to him.I have brought up the adhd probability and he brushed me off saying Im the one to see a doctor. He blurts out anything he wants without knowing it hurts. He respinds angrily to the silliest things andd has no empathy towards me or others. Im crying at the moment bcs he just had a big argument with me about limiting me access to the car and others……Refuses to take any responsibility…Im despaired.

   1. One of the things you said sent up a red flag, and I had to reply. I don’t know the circumstances, but when you said he wants to limit your access to the car and others (I don’t know what the others part is), that shows that he’s being controlling. It borders on emotional abuse. Please make sure that this is not happening. If you need help, please get help, or get out.

7. I agree, I have been searching for information on women with ADD in a relationship. I am 50 year old woman and going through a divorce. In the aftermath I just found out about my ADD (inattentive) and am deeply sad to realize how it impacted my relationship, my whole life actually. I was being treated for depression, I had no idea but now everything makes sense. It’s like having to rewrite my history. I need information on women with ADD.
   ADD and women

   1. If anyone finds any information on married women with ADHD married to men without ADHD please email me any of that information cuz I can’t find it anywhere. [email protected]

      Thank u
      Tina

8. It’s good to see both sides. But is it just me that has trouble finding thoughts and feelings shared by the non-ADHD spouse/partner of a woman with ADHD? As the latter I’ve combed through various articles and forums looking for advice and relatable stories. But I usually find women without ADHD sharing their frustrations about their ADHD husband. I hope to see more of the reverse in time as ADHA awareness and acceptance grows.

   1. I was just thinking about that even before finishing the article. I personally think that this might have something to do with gender roles and how we are perceived. For example, men are often expected to be the leader in a relationship and if he is disorganized then that often puts more pressure on the woman to step up. I’m not saying that men have a harder time than women but just that they are expected to have everything together and to be there for their spouse when things go wrong. Women often take on the roles of the organizer, making sure that everything is running smoothly and everyone is where they need to be. If the male in the relationship is constantly not where they need to be or out of sync then women need to parent them as well to make sure that everything happens. But, men typically don’t have as much on their plate as women do. They are there as a source of strength and an anchor for women while we deal with the day today stuff. They pick up the slack where we can’t do it all and we expect them to be there for us physically and emotionally when we need them to be.
      This can make it hard when your partner is off doing their own things and you feel like they are not listening to you. When women have ADHD they are still more likely to be focused on family but men are often given more time and freedom to have projects of their own away from the family so their interests often pull them away while a woman will often still be involved. Even if the woman is really creative and has things that pull her away their partner can step up and pick up the slack. Whereas if a man does this his wife is more likely to feel resentful because she is already in the middle of everything and now she has to pick up the slack for her partner.

      So, I think that the relationships can often be harder it’s the man that has ADHD because women feel alone in all the parenting and organizing of it all. They kind of feel that their partner is absent. Women often want more emotional support too and when their partner is always distracted they may feel unheard and ignored. Guys generally take care of their own emotional needs and don’t need their partner to fulfill that role.

      When a women has ADHD she might have things that are a little more disorganized but she is still putting in 110% to make sure that her family is running on time and everything is functioning. When things get out of control the male partner can step in and set things right or help out. Men are also generally more accepting of people in a way. They are more likely to just accept that people aren’t going to change and then do what they have to, to keep themselves sane. For example, the article where the wife is running around saying she’s ready but still doing all the last steps while her husband reads the newspaper. He’s learned that she will never be ready on time so he finds something to occupy his time while she finishes so that he won’t end up stressed or angry about the situation. He doesn’t stand there and watch his partner and make comments about how they are never ready. I think that women are more likely to do this because they already have so much on their plate and all these people are relying on them. When their husband is also one of those people then it can just create more stress.
      Not all couples are like this and not all males or females respond in these ways but I think that’s why we hear more comments of frustration from females with male partners then the other way around. Also, there is the physically hyper component which is more expressed in males that females. This could add to the feeling of men not being there and tends to be easier to diagnose than the mental hyperness that women exhibit. Men might think that their wife is cutely scatter brained but unless he is a distracted but brilliant scientist or something the same is not as well tolerated in men. Both due to societal expectations of the sexes and the way responsibility is divided in relationships.

      Anyway, this is what I was thinking about before I read the article. Mostly because I’ve read a lot of articles where the woman is thanking her husband for being there for her and keeping her in the right direction but not a lot of the opposite. I think that for women they may be more likely to vent their frustrations of their partner rather than to just accept and work around the problem. They want compromise and for men to step up to the plate.

      I hope that no one will feel that they are a horrible partner or that they will not ever make a good partner because of what I said. Any partnership can make it if the partners are willing enough to compromise and find what works for them. At the end of the day love and time spent together will generally triumph and whatever else can be worked out as you go along.

   2. I’m the female with ADHD in mine… I found most of what I read in other’s comments to ring true. Especially the hording, paper pile ups, the seeming disinterest my husband feels when I can’t seem to sit still or focus on us, especially around physical intimacy. The self centeredness & talking about my own stuff (though he says usually he doesn’t care, Since he doesn’t typically like to share his own). My extreme emotions, especially frustration, I’m just NOW seeing as an ADHD thing! So neither of us saw it as that…

      1. I plan to discuss with my non ADHD male partner… I can let you know what he says… He likely won’t take the time to share here, but is typically brutally honest with me when I genuinely request it as such.