“Will I Spend Valentine’s Day Alone?”
As Valentine’s Day rolls around, I find myself wondering. Are my relationship troubles because of my ADHD or something else? Will I ever find someone to love?
I’ve had so many address changes and job switches in my life that I’ve stopped keeping track. And when I pause to think about the number of men I’ve dated? Well, that figure veers close to countless, too. In the past twelve years, there have been close to a dozen male friends. Is it boredom? Is it the ADHD? Is it just bad luck or bad choices? Am I a loser or are they?
The only thing I can say for sure is that this vast number of personal and professional changes have gotten exhausting – physically and mentally. When will I have the chance to cultivate a long-term love rather than jump from short- lived relationship to short-lived relationship?
I’ve found a therapist – a counselor – who I talk to every other week. He doesn’t know about my ADHD. I haven’t shared that part yet. But he says I am chasing after emotionally unavailable men, or men that aren’t meeting my needs.
If you ask me, my needs aren’t that great. I don’t want a sugar daddy or a one night stand. I’m looking for a soul mate, someone who loves me for me, and who takes interest in me as a person. Even though I was burned by my marriage, I have not given up on a lifelong partner. I’d still like to walk down the aisle – even if the idea of sticking with one person forever seems very anti-ADHD.
My counselor asks why I don’t just fly solo for now. Why settle for someone who isn’t really meeting my needs? Why be with someone uncertain about a relationship, or even worse someone who doesn’t really make you laugh and smile?
Am I that desperate to have someone to spend Valentine’s Day with? I am, I think. I am, thanks to Hallmark and everything imaginable pink and heart-shaped. What a horrible holiday. This Valentine’s Day is just a reminder of my brief and sad marriage, of the love that feels ultimately unattainable to me.
I look at my peers who have been able to go from dating to marriage to starting a family and think, Will that ever be me? Will I ever find a place to call home or will I keep moving? Should I just choose somewhere to plant myself and stay whether I am happy or miserable?
All of these questions have no answers.
While I try to figure them out, I am resigned to suffering, ignored by cupid on Feb. 14th and grasping to find someone, anyone to spend the holiday with. Maybe a warm body just to get through the holiday is better than nothing. Maybe it is the best that someone who has been struggling with a search for stability and finding peace with ADHD can do.