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“Searching for Stability in This Unpredictable World”

After a tumultuous year, I finally had the time to sit down, scroll through Facebook, and be envious of my friends, settled in their homes and marriages.

I’ve been at the same job for just over a year, and I’m beginning to feel the rumble of dissatisfaction…again. Since I started, the company has been in flux – layoffs, the threat of more layoffs, and rapid changes. The constant daily stress has left me jittery, anxious, and unsure.

Once again, I’ve fallen victim to the Facebook comparison game: admiring and envying my friends’ images and status updates. “We’re engaged!” “Our little miracle is due in October!” “First night in the new house!” Whether real or a façade, the engagement, marriage and birth announcements – along with bigger homes and new jobs – signal permanence. Being settled. Success.

I scroll and click and ‘Like’, but I know I’m avoiding what I really should be thinking about: what do I want in life?

“What do you want to be doing 10 years from now?” an uncle asks. “You can do anything you set your mind to,” another relative says.

“But is that really true?” I wonder. Sometimes you don’t get an interview for the dream job. Or the person you’ve fallen for doesn’t love you back.

All around me things are evolving: technology, my profession, even the way people seek and find love. In some ways, the world is becoming more like my ADHD brain: erratic, crazy at times, frightening to engage with, and an increasingly short attention span. I talk with my sister, and she agrees that, “Nothing is guaranteed.” It’s a way of living that’s more familiar to me than it is for my friends and colleagues without ADHD, who aren’t used to quick shifts and sudden changes.

And yet, even though I’m wired for constant motion, I still long for stability.

I’m living like a gypsy, renting a room in someone else’s home, living out of unpacked boxes and suitcases. The industry I work in, and the company I work for is incredibly erratic and unstable. I try to see my sister and father once a month, but only manage it every 6 months. “I deserve better; I can do better,” I think.

I can’t control my industry, but I could make the choice to pursue a more stable company or sector that is growing, not shrinking. I can look for a more permanent home. I will make more regular visits with my family. Maybe if I get a few things on track, even better ones are around the corner.

With each ticking month, and season’s passing, a panic settles, a deadline tightens. By the time any of these things potentially happen, I’ll be in my mid-40s. But if I don’t start now, then when?

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