4 ADHD Mindset Shifts to Unlock Enduring Friendships

You’re empathetic, charming, sincere, thoughtful, and fun — in other words, amazing friendship material.

But painful memories of ADHD-related social challenges — of being bullied, misunderstanding social cues, unintentionally interrupting others, and feeling rejected — affect how you show up in your friendships in ways you may not fully realize.

Free yourself from these common ADHD mindset traps to invite genuine connection and long-lasting friendships.

Do you approach friendships with a scarcity mindset? Do you think that you are too much or not enough — that you should just accept anyone who happens to show you attention? A scarcity mindset may provoke thoughts and beliefs like:

• “I don’t have any close connections because people just get bored or annoyed with me.”
• “I’m too intense, and people can’t handle me.”
• "I have to hide parts of myself, or they'll reject me."
• "I'm not organized or put-together enough to be someone people want to befriend."
• "They’ll eventually see my flaws and drop me."

A scarcity mindset may cause you to rush and overlook red flags of a toxic friend.

[Is Your Friendship Toxic? Take This Test to Find Out]

Reframed: “What do I want out of friendship?”

No matter your social challenges, you are a major stakeholder in your friendships. It’s not just about what the other person wants. See yourself as an equal in the partnership, whether it’s budding or longstanding.

• You have the right to proceed with caution. There’s no rule that says all connections have to result in friendship.
• Prioritize your values. Does this person complement who you are and demonstrate the qualities you value in others? Are they even enjoyable to be around?
• Pay attention to your self-talk. What’s the story you’re telling yourself about who you are? Past mistakes do not define you. Go forward knowing that your greater ADHD awareness and access to helpful tools and strategies today will make you a better friend tomorrow.

All-or-nothing thinking — viewing things as perfect or a total failure, with no gray area in between — sets up unrealistic expectations and leads to unnecessary stress and strain in friendships. All-or-nothing thinking looks like:

• "If my friend doesn't invite me to every event, they must not really value our friendship."
• “My friend never answers my calls! Clearly, they don’t want to be friends.”
• "We had an argument, so our friendship is ruined forever."
• "If I make a mistake, they'll think less of and abandon me."

Reframed: “What does the evidence show?”

• Look at the facts. All-or-nothing thinking leaves little room for real-life nuance. What hard evidence do you have that a lack of an immediate response means that the person hates you? Could they simply be busy?
• Consider the whole picture. Could they be going through a busy time? Do they work a job where they can’t text at all hours? Could they be struggling to keep up because of their own neurodivergence? Don’t base your opinion of a relationship on the last social interaction you had with the person. Look for patterns; one bad interaction is just one bad interaction.
• Watch for absolutes. Challenge black-and-white thinking by noticing when you describe your friendships using extreme terms like “always” or “never.”

[Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: Symptom Test for ADHD Brains]

Anxious overcorrection is the immediate and unnecessary need to clarify, apologize, or re-explain yourself. It can look like sending 15 follow-up texts to explain, in detail, what you meant by a comment even if it wasn’t offensive, wrong, or confusing. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a big driver of this behavior.

Anxious overcorrection is self-defeating because it often has the unintended effect of making others feel uncomfortable — exactly what you wanted to avoid.

Reframed: “Why do I think my message didn’t come off right?”

• Set a personal rule. Decide in advance that you won’t send more than one follow-up text per conversation or that you’ll wait two seconds before deciding whether to follow up. Use that pause to consider whether your need to correct is rooted in self-doubt.
• Goof ups happen. Grave mistakes and misunderstandings require immediate apologies and clarification. Most slip-ups don’t. Instead of thinking, “They’ll be annoyed or confused by my comment,” remind yourself, “People understand that communication isn’t always perfect.” Trust that your friend sees your intent as good, even if your delivery isn’t.

[Read: How to Break Your Habit of Oversharing]

Social interactions require tons of mental energy and effort — to plan and agree to an outing, engage in conversation, read social cues, hold information, avoid interrupting, manage environmental stimuli, and regulate emotions. Difficult or unrewarding social experiences in the past can make you more selective about when and with whom you choose to socialize.

There’s another truth to social interactions that you may be loath to admit: It’s difficult to engage in activities that don’t immediately capture your interest. If a social interaction seems like it won’t provide enough excitement or novelty, it might not feel worth pursuing.

Reframed: “How will my decision impact my friendship goals?”

Friendships don’t happen without work. They require regular contact, participation, and investment to grow. Making the choice to frequently opt out or reject your social circle’s bids for connection can affect the trajectory of your friendships.

• Step into the future. Consider whether your decision to opt out will help or hurt the other person and your friendship goals. Are you potentially missing out on an event that’s important to them?
• Routinize connections. Whether it’s poker night or morning yoga, schedule regular activities with friends to take the guesswork out of planning. Make it a ritual to send a quick “hello” text or voice note as part of your other daily habits.
• Create novelty. Honor your interest-based brain. Can you suggest meeting at a different location? Doing a different activity together? Inviting a new friend or acquaintance along? When possible, seek high-interest activities that make you feel good and make socializing easier.
• Think of past positive experiences. Have you ever dreaded going to an event, only to end up having a great time? Who's to say that won’t happen this time?
• Have an exit strategy. If you’re made the choice to go to an important event that you’re not excited about, plan ahead. Decide how long you’ll stay, plan to take sensory breaks, and recruit another friend for moral support.

Why Can't I Make Friends? Next Steps

• Free Download: The ADHD Friendship Guide for Adults
• Read: The Path to Adult Friendship, Demystified
• Read: A Conversation Guide for the Socially Anxious and Unsure

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “Oversharing and Underinvesting: The Social Traps That Snare ADHD Adults” [Video Replay & Podcast #496] with Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC, which was broadcast on March 14, 2024.

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