If You Shout, You’ll Never Be Heard

Does your child melt down, act up, or get defiant? It’s tough to keep discipline talking points in mind when a child turns up the volume or starts throwing toys. The more parents react to their child, the worse things usually get. Here, experts show you how to discipline a child with ADHD before you reach the boiling point.

Taking a positive approach is more effective than handing out angry ultimatums, according to Kenny Handelman, Ph.D. This means rewarding your child’s good behavior a lot, but, more importantly, doing activities together that you both enjoy. This strengthens your bond, so when you have to discipline her, she’ll be more receptive to your authority.

Getting your child assessed and treated for ADHD are critical first steps in managing your child’s misbehavior. You can’t effectively discipline your child until you know specifically how ADHD, a neurological condition, affects his words and actions. Deciding to put your child on medication may be difficult, but it can help him better regulate his behaviors, so you don’t have to discipline him as much.

[Self-Test:Does Your Child Have ADHD?]

You already know that spanking is a no-no, but it is even more harmful to a child with ADHD. Many children with ADHD are hypersensitive, so the physical act of spanking can lead to emotional hurt. “Spanking sets a child up for failure,” says William Dodson, M.D. “A child can’t make use of that experience and conform his behavior next time. He learns nothing, except to be afraid of his parent.”

Pick a time when you’re both feeling happy and calm, and plan escape strategies to avoid meltdowns at a birthday party or a family event. Become co-conspirators and make it a game. Say, “Let’s pretend to be magicians who can disappear.” Then, if a child’s behavior starts to go south, take him aside and say, “It’s time to be a magician and become invisible” — and quietly leave the party or room.

Deal with the immediate incident or misbehavior calmly, not with anger, just like a cop who pulls you over for speeding. He doesn't yell at you or tell you how awful you are. He says, “Did you know you were speeding? License and registration.” Says Handelman: “Kids with ADHD are so sensitive to anger, they may not hear what you are saying about their misbehavior. Or the child may begin arguing, and things will get out of control.”

Many children with ADHD don’t know what’s expected of them and what’s going to happen if they don’t follow the rules. Parents should be crystal clear about the expectations for behavior and the consequences for not meeting them. And then, be consistent about enforcing the rules.

[Free Download: Your 10 Toughest Discipline Dilemmas — Solved!]

Learn how your child with ADHD is hardwired, and adjust your discipline strategies to his nervous system. Recognize and respect your child’s hypersensitivities and quirks. This helps you distinguish between willful non-compliance and discomfort on your child’s part. Is your child being defiant or feeling overwhelmed? Is he seeking stimulation because he’s bored, or is he misbehaving on purpose?

ADHD rarely travels alone. Up to 40% of boys and 25% of girls have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). It is the second most common co-occurring condition in children with ADHD, says Dr. Dodson. In order to discipline your child effectively, it’s important to rule out ODD. Otherwise, when you talk about misbehaving you’ll hear “Oh, yeah! Make me!” more often than not. See a pediatric psychiatrist or family therapist if you suspect your child has ODD.

Attention deficit is highly heritable. If your child has it, chances are one or both of the parents do. Get yourself evaluated and seek treatment. Following through on discipline consequences is tough for a parent with untreated ADHD. What’s more, many adults with ADHD have quick tempers and bouts of impulsivity, which undermine discipline efforts. Make sure that your ADHD is being treated adequately.

[Self-Test: Do I Have ADHD? ADD Symptoms in Adults]

The biggest mistake that parents make is to give up on a new discipline approach too soon, says Handelman. “Kids fight hardest when parents start something new. When a new strategy becomes routine and a child realizes he can’t argue his way out of it, he will stop fighting you.” Two or three weeks aren't enough to establish new rules. It takes four to six weeks for a habit to stick.

[Read: Never Punish a Child for Behavior Outside His Control]