In This House, We Don’t Tolerate Bullying

Sometimes, our kids' attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) symptoms — hyperactivity, impulsivity, weak social skills — put them at greater risk for bullying. When the teasing and torment take place at school, we often feel powerless to stop it. But there are ways to intervene — whether your child is being bullied or doing the bullying — to squash this behavior once and for all.

Kids with ADHD often exhibit behavior that increases chances of social rejection and bullying, like:

• Impulsive remarks
• Clumsiness
• Poor understanding of spatial boundaries and personal space
• Being overly affectionate

The biggest problem for kids with ADHD is accurately reading social cues. Kids have to tune into the world around them, interpret behavior, and then respond appropriately — a tough task!

Often, our kids won't mention bullying — perhaps they feel they brought it on themselves, or feel powerless to stop it. Gently question kids about the social scene at school to discern whether they're a target for bullies. Some kids have difficulty remembering or understanding their role in the social sequence of a story, which can feel like lying or withholding information. Piece together the story with help from teachers, neighbors, or a bus driver. Different sides of the story can make the picture clearer.

[[Self-Test] Could My Child Have ADHD?]

Talk to your child about the difference between destructive bullying, and more benign teasing. Demonstrate examples of friendly teasing where your child is in on the joke, and teach kids how to laugh at themselves in situations that pose no threat. Kids with a sense of humor are much less likely to be bullied than are kids who take everything to heart.

Boys and girls exert social control differently, which means they bully differently. Girls use relational aggression, while boys are more frequently physically aggressive. Girls often control or dominate by social exclusion, withdrawing friendships, not inviting to birthday parties, or giving the silent treatment. Boys tend to be more direct in expressing anger. They can be verbally aggressive, calling names like "stupid" or "idiot." Boys tend to be over it more quickly while girls tend to carry anger longer.

The most effective way parents can buffer against bullying is by helping kids manage their ADHD symptoms through medical, educational, and behavioral interventions – acting as a social coach to help improve skills.

Let teachers and the principal know that bullying is happening, and let them intervene. Suggest that the school establish or more stringently enforce anti-bullying rules. Keep in mind that some kids are savvy bullies — friendly and popular students who conceal their taunts and teasing from adults. Teachers might not notice because they consider them “nice kids." Find out where the bullying occurs — the playground, bus, or cafeteria — and then arrange for appropriate supervision.

[Free Friendship Guide for Kids with ADHD]

Explain to your kids how bullies typically pick their targets. There are two main types of bullying scenarios. The Vulnerable Target: kids who are sensitive, anxious, insecure. They may overreact and become tearful to teasing, which can result in more teasing. The Rejected Aggressor: kids who are unaware of their own roles in the bullying situation. They may impulsively escalate a situation by being provocative, or are bullying themselves to deal with feelings of powerlessness.

Ask kids what they were doing right before the bullying started. Then ask what they might do differently next time to avoid the bully. This might help your kids figure out what triggered the bully's attention. Don’t excuse the bully’s actions, but identify behaviors that could draw negative attention (e.g., talking too much, clowning around at the wrong times, blurting out odd remarks, being too affectionate) and discuss alternatives.

Teach your child to avoid bad attention by going with the flow. If kids are playing kickball, don’t steal the ball and start a soccer game. Teach kids other ways to show their affection like asking kids to play, and giving compliments. Practice friendly teasing, and role-play what being annoyed looks like to make kids aware of how peers are reacting. Teach kids not to tattle, or get involved in other kids' business–like announcing Jack is on page 22 when we’re supposed to be on page 26.

If bullying continues, work on strategies to ignore or shut it down. Teach kids to:

• Use humor.
• Agree with the bully.
• Answer back: sarcasm can shock or silence a bully. Say, “Oh really?” in an exasperated tone.
• Avoid the bully if you don’t have a comeback ready.
• Call him on it – Say, “Why did you say that?”

These strategies can defuse the bully's mission to inflict pain.

Call the bully’s parents, as a gesture of good will – since you’d want to know if they were complaining about your child to the school. Parents are the best ones to stop bullying, but they can’t stop it if they don’t know about it.

Teach kids to use positive self talk when a bully is making them doubt themselves. They should remind themselves, “I got an A on my math exam!” so it's not the bully's voice inside their heads. This can thwart the bully’s main goal of destroying confidence. Have kids participate in individual rather than team sports to avoid locker room bullying, and build their strengths. Connecting your child with kids who don’t tease can be a huge buffer against bullying for self-esteem.

When you hear about bad behavior, don’t accuse your kids of bullying. Instead, ask about behavior, and how they felt last time someone was mean to them. Gather the facts. Then, arrange to give kids a job when they usually act up, like leading a playground cleanup crew. Use role-play to help teach your child to regulate feelings without teasing others. Don’t feel like a bad parent, instead, focus working with your child to find solutions to problems besides aggressive behavior. The more secure your child feels, the less likely he’ll bully others.

To lessen the chances that your child is exposed to it, reduce screen time. Keep the computer in the open at home, where you can casually pass by and see what’s on the screen. Let kids know that you’ll periodically be checking their friend list, history and profiles. Help your child develop good online etiquette, so you know she isn’t acting in a hostile way. If your child is being cyberbullied, and you know the offender, get school personnel involved and solicit help from the cyberbully’s parents.

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