Q: “I’m Not as Sexually Adventurous as My Partner.”
When one partner wants adventurous sex and the other does not, how can their sexual relationship endure?
Q: “My partner, who has ADHD, is adventurous in the bedroom. I am not. How can we bridge this gap in sexual compatibility?”
Ari Tuckman, Psy.D.:
It’s not uncommon to experience a discrepancy in sexual desire levels and in the specific types of activities that partners would like to explore.
Don’t have this discussion in the heat of the moment. Someone once said, “The place to talk about sex is with your clothes on at the kitchen table.” The questions you both should ask and answer include:
- Why is adventurous sex so exciting to you (or not so exciting to you)?
- What does it mean to you to do it and not do it?
- What’s it like when I say yes? What’s it like when I say no?
- What are your fears or concerns?
Then discuss what each of you want out of your sex life.
[Get This Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]
Really try to understand each other before you get to the point of deciding what to do about it. Sometimes, in relationships, you don’t get everything you want. Hopefully, you get enough that is good.
Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D.:
I’ve worked with couples who have different interests. Some decide to fulfill those interests elsewhere — with the complete consent of their partner. In this case, I would say it’s best to create an agreement, and write down everything that it involves, to avoid misunderstandings.
Sometimes, your desires won’t match those of your partner. That’s normal. It’s also the exciting thing about a relationship: getting to know the other person and what they like. And maybe one partner could dial down their interests and expectations a few notches to a middle ground.
Bonus Q&A: Love in the Long Run
Q: “How can we keep the spark burning in our long-term relationship? I worry about my partner and I getting bored with each other.”
Sarkis:
The romantic phase of a relationship lasts from six months to a year. After that, things start getting real. It’s normal for intrigue to diminish somewhat. For those who have ADHD, this romantic phase may end a little earlier because ADHD likes novelty.
[Read: “The 3 Vital Keys to Our Happy ADHD Marriage”]
A good relationship is built, in part, on a solid friendship. Maintaining that relationship means doing the work of discovering new things about your partner, finding interests that you share, and getting to know each other in every way. And sometimes, a relationship will run its course, and that’s okay, too.
Sexual Compatibility: Next Steps
- Read: The Key to a Better ADHD Relationship? Better Sex
- Read: Relationship Rescue for ADHD Couples
- Read: How to Have More Fun in Bed
Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., is a psychologist and sex therapist. He is the author of several books, including ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship (#CommissionsEarned).
Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and author of several books, including Healing from Toxic Relationships (#CommissionsEarned).
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