"Why Don't I Have Any Friends?"
"I will be late. I will forget plans. I will miss your birthday. I will seem like a self-centered and ditzy friend at times. But I promise I'm trying, because I really do love you." 10 ways any adult with ADHD can become a better friend, starting today.
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7 Comments: "Why Don't I Have Any Friends?"
Who comes up with ideas like #4 – ask someone to hang out with you while you do chores / errands? Maybe the writers have a lot more time on their hands but most people I know are busy. A very good friend might agree to do this once or twice, but I wouldn’t risk losing a friendship doing these activities frequently.
So often advice for adults with ADHD is unrealistic or expensive, basically buy yourself a “babysitter” to get your needs met. If someone hangs out with you while you do errands that person is usually a paid personal care aide, not a friend.
Maybe some of my tips can help someone else. Finding and maintaining friends is an ongoing activity, not a one time event. Be open to people different from yourself – a person who is a different race, generation, sex, etc. might be a really good friend. Volunteering is an aeesome way to meet people and get a self esteem boost. Walking a friendly dog (your own or someone else’s) is also a good way to meet people.
If I were to make a list of people I’ve known and wanted to be friends with, it becomes really painful and upsetting very quickly. It would be a list of people who have already rejected me and worse, people who I thought could be friends because they were kind and tolerated my company for a time, until their real friends turned up.
I find people and the struggle to fit in exhausting. This article was exhausting. I’ve been a lot happier and more settled since I let go of the notion that we need close friendships to be happy. It’s not true. These days I spend most of my time alone. I interact reasonably well with workmates as long as I don’t try to make it something more. I have a very very few, maybe 3 people who I like and who like me. I spend a little time with them when the mood (rarely) takes me and we don’t expect more than that from each other. If we are really in trouble and need emergency help, we are there for each other.
This seems to be all I need and as much as I can cope with. I’ve come to believe that for some people, the idea that we need more is a myth which causes more harm in terms of feeling wierd, alien and rejected.
Maybe friends are over rated?
I’ll add my favorite quote from Thoreau, and I tell it to my child all the time
“The one who goes alone can start today, but he who travels with another must wait until the other is ready.”
In other words, be OK with being alone, there’s a freedom in that. If you need people in your life to fill the emptiness, then address that first.
I would like to have some friends, even just something really light and casual, people I can text a funny vine too. I don’t really want people to hang out with. Unless I can be 100% myself, which most people run screaming from. I would love to make friends with some transgender guy who wants to go check out thrift stores for hidden gems.
I guess that’s my fantasy friend scenario.
Being friends with women is tricky, especially other moms. Inevitably there’s comparison, jealously, or the dreaded Pampered Chef invite.
Sometimes just being on my own is what’s best.
You make the choice 🙂
To the ADDitude Editors who wrote this article, are all or most of you coaches and/or living with (not family and friends, but you, yourself as women) with ADHD? As always, a lot of practical advice, some seemingly obvious,some very neurotypical, and others well…to keep it positive-I’m so appreciative of the helpful inspirational tips, but the list, in its order… was there like a committee to decide how to present this editorial piece! Lol. I get it, list are truly helpful for those that are managed and prioritized enough to keep them…but seriously, that’s number one? What about the ADHD women who aren’t just Inattentive or are of the combined type? So, make a list that will be lost, then make a list to remind you to make a list, but oh wait-what about the list again? I’m being facetious-one of my most treasured qualities I’m sure…but seriously, if we were properly managing our ADHD on the many levels we are supposed to-then the suggestions in this article seem not as helpful. So here’s my question, let’s assume one is managing their symptoms through proper diet, mindfulness, coaching, proper medications too, assuming they are medicated, so under those circumstances then, would making a list for friendship be number one on our list? Inquiring not to just play the contrarian role-but to really ask because there are really a lot of women who do struggle with friendships, but what do you tell them if they aren’t managed or liar are there number 1 issue? So many of us deal with anxiety as is and this article could lead to feeling like a lost cause given number one for suggestions wants the readers to make a list. I read article in its entirety, and truly understand that the combined efforts can help-but how it’s presented comes off a bit overwhelming. Just my opinion-I am blessed and as ADHD as I truly am (1000% combined type), the friendship scenario isn’t a huge issue for me personally b/c of my support system. By the way, another GREAT WAY to attract and or gather friends (like suggested within the context of Moving beyond Social blinders in the above article, are through support groups. ADDA (nope, not being paid to promote or endorse) has a pleathera if support groups to choose from, all in some way or another thing in the common interest of most people reading this comment. That is, in one way or another, we either have ADHD and/or care for someone who does. Common interest and bonds create a common appreciation for similarities and steuvvles we each live with-and it’s almost always easier to just live when you have the support of close friends and family. Just something to think about. Be blessed.
Step 1….make a list….ugh. Next article.
Seanebravo, I like you already. Are you also a woman with ADHD? If so please send me an email…[email protected]