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It's OK to Cry — and Other Lessons from a Sensitive Mom with ADHD

The diagnostic criteria for ADHD includes nothing whatsoever about the crushing rejection we feel from a single comment or missed invitation, the overwhelming emotions that send our hearts racing and then sinking, or the shame all of this causes. Here is how I experience these little-known ADHD symptoms, and how I manage it all.

6 Comments: It's OK to Cry — and Other Lessons from a Sensitive Mom with ADHD

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  1. I enjoyed this article, but I feel there’s a real danger in lumping in every symptom we have with the ADHD diagnosis. I have ADHD myself in addition to bipolar 2 disorder and I have worked in mental health for 20+ years.

    My own personal opinion is that ADHD is a disorder of cognitive processing, which yes can and will always impact emotions, relationships and our ability to manage them. But as pointed out so often here, there are so so many co-morbid disorders re: emotion regulation, and it can greatly muddy the waters to say these are part of ADHD. There’s good reason why many emotional and relationship challenges are not part of ADHD diagnosis, it’s because they are usually side effects/ impacts of the disorder and not inherently part of its pathology. The same can be said of many other cognitive processing disorders, and it’s often the support we receive early in our development years and our early understanding of our challenges that defines the extent of the impact on our emotional development… So nurture much more so than nature.

    All of that said, it could equally be the other way around… Where emotional development and challenges can impact our processing… The difference is that the processing issues resolve themselves when the emotions are managed, but the same can’t be said of the other way around… I.e. treating ADHD does not necessarily resolve the emotional challenges… Especially when the chemicals in the brain which control mood are out of sync, and so should therefore be assessed both separately and combined with ADHD overlap.

  2. I see a lot about people having to explain their crying. Growing up I was taught it’s not okay to cry. But what I also learned is when you’re upset, yell. My emotional hyperarousal is all about anger. It’s how I express my upsetness.

    Now, I’m 55 and I’ve learned a lot. I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 47. I don’t medicate or therapize. I know why I get mad, and I try to explain it. But you can’t undo it. You can undo crying. It’s not necessarily hurting anyone else (as long as you can explain why it happens.) But anger can’t be explained away. And even if I know why it happens (now. because even after being diagnosed I didn’t know about RSD until last year), it’s taken its toll on my now-broken family already. 🙁

  3. A good post. It is also important to seek help, as this can lead to very significant relationship problems. A spouse can feel as though they can’t bring anything up because then they don’t get to actually deal with an issue, without having to first deal with the RSD. I have seen this destroy a lot of good things. It can also lead to extremes that involve kids or spouses being scared of you. While important to understand the emotional perspective of the one with ADHD/RSD, it is also very important to understand that it needs to be managed in a way that supports all members of the household in a positive way.

  4. Thank you so much for this post. I had no idea “hyper arousal” was a term/diagnosis. I just sort of thought I was crazy all these years. This will help me so much to explain my emotional reactions to my husband.

  5. Thanks for these personal descriptions of behaviors so many of us have experienced. It helps a lot to be able to recognize our unsettling behaviors and know others have the same experiences.

    When I badly needed some help with my rejection overreaction problems 20 years ago there were no books out there for the general public. I decided to write ‘Don’t Take it Personally! the Art of Dealing with Rejection.’ I did figure out that rejection is connected to taking things personally and focused on this aspect.

    Because in my private practice I work with many couples and realized a how helpful a book with couples stories about overreacting to perceived rejection and how taking things personally was contaminating their relationships would be helpful.

    And each time I write, I find I’m helping myself continue to grow past my own rejection and self-rejection struggles.

    I’ve worked with ADHD clients for 35 years and have always intuited there was an especially hyper-sensitive perception of and reaction to rejection.

    Then I started wondering about me. Recently I asked to be tested for ADHD and just as I guessed, I sure am!

    I find the most helpful way to make changes in our behavior is to make a choice to make a change. However we really can’t change behavior unless we are aware of it. After all if we have blind spots, we really cannot decide to change our behavior if we don’t see it. It’s pretty hard to think things through when we are feeling the overwhelm of rejection.

    It’s exciting when I’m coaching clients and workshop participants and they are able to step back from their feelings of shame and humiliation and begin to make choices about the messages they are telling themselves!

    I call it “walking alongside yourself, mindfully noticing what just transpired, choosing to go back to the fork in the road and start down a new path.” And mindful means ‘without judgement.”

    I adopted a motto for my self as a reminder: “Self-respect instead of Self-reject!”

    Elayne Savage, PhD
    http://queenofrejection.com/

    1. I have the very same problems and bad! I was diagnosed with adhd 22 years ago at the age of 34. I still haven’t found an answer to these problems. I’ve cried because I don’t have anymore ideas of what might help.
      I’m crying with you!

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