"All the Love I Felt I Didn’t Deserve"
I was an impulsive, temperamental, aggressive child. I got in trouble a lot. And over time, I convinced myself that no one — not even my own brother — could possibly love me. I was wrong, and I almost found that out too late.
2 Comments: "All the Love I Felt I Didn’t Deserve"
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There are tears in my eyes as I read this. Raising an 11 yo grandson who has acute ADHD and ODD. He got in trouble at school already -1st week of school- I want to tell him how much I love ❤️ him in spit of his challenges. Thank you
That was a tear jerker! And I can certainly understand your feelings; I would be thinking the same things. Still, you need to realize that most families (if not all) have issues. Being a child is complicated no matter what, and as humans, we are good at assuming we know what the other person thinks, especially when it comes to what they think about us!. ADHD and ADD run in my family. We were horrible communicators, so when we were upset, we didn’t know how to deal with it. Childhood was kind of typical in that there was a lot of yelling and chasing. But as we got older, it turned into the “silent treatment.”
I’m the oldest of three, and I have two brothers. There have been times when we barely communicated, and it was painful. After going through not talking to both of my brothers over separate issues, for an extended period of time, I finally decided that was not ever happening again. I made an effort to reach out to both of my brothers, and I started inviting them and their families to our home. My parents are gone now, and I felt as though someone needed to step up and make sure we remained a “family.”
We’re very fortunate that we’ve all become much closer. For my part, I’m aware of what I say and how easily things can be misinterpreted. I try to find things we can all enjoy and focus on when we get together. We are respectful towards one another, and we express our love. My parents (mom in particular) were not very demonstrative, although we knew they loved us, so we now hug and say “I love you.” It was a bit awkward at first, but now it’s what we do and it feels good!
However, you have to remember that you and your brother ended up having a good relationship. If I were to put myself in his place, I think I’d be happy to have you back in my life, even if it was for a relatively short time. He obviously loved you and that means he would want you to be at peace. It’s okay to feel your emotions and miss the things that could have been. But, also realize that someone you loved also loved you, so that makes you very worthwhile and lovable. I think he gave you a wonderful gift, and I hope that eventually you’ll be able to see that above all else.