How Does RSD Really, Actually Feel?
“The initial feeling of RSD is as if you've been punched in the head and are struggling to regain consciousness. You then deny that it is affecting you, but your brain goes blank, your body paralyzes and, as if by the force of a volcanic eruption, you plunge into an abyss of infernal pain and fear. That is only the beginning. Nothing derails the power of RSD.”
5 Comments: How Does RSD Really, Actually Feel?
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I must say Thanks so much for explaining my reaction to life since I was a child and before I was even diagnosed with ADHD. I was always told Oh what are you getting so defensive about everything and I think I finally have my explanation and I’m not crazy. This reaction has gotten me in trouble so much in my life but I’ve been working in therapy to diffuse the initial reaction and maybe write it down so that it diffuses that I can give an appropriate reaction in the situation. Thanks for giving it a name and definition.
Constantly apologizing for my perceived mistakes or irritations to loved ones. My closest friend counted one day how many times I said I was sorry (when I hadn’t done anything wrong in his opinion. Not including like bumping into someone and apologizing or something like that.) and from like 8 am to 2 pm it was over 20 times.
Ill apologize for stuff like someone telling me “oh man I’m tired today” and I respond “I’m sorry” so they’re like Why are you sorry did you keep me up last night? No? So y be sorry?
Also, if anyone around me, especially people I’m close to/loved ones (it’s not as severe around like acquaintances/coworkers) seem to be upset/annoyed/angry or any sort of negative emotion I immediately assume I have caused it and apologize. Then i try to make up for “what I did wrong”. Even if they explain qnd reassure me its nothing to do with me and go so far as telling me why they’re in the bad mood (like something happened at work or whatever) I still apologize and/or try to “fix” the issue. It’s frustrating for both sides cuz I feel bad n try to fix something I’m unable to fix and they feel like they can’t just come to me to talk or vent cuz I’ll always assume blame and attempt to make it better.
This is legitimately the most severe issue or symptom of my adhd that is the most debilitating thing in my life. It really ends up causing negative consequences probably 1000 times more than any of the other symptoms I deal with and causes the most strain on my personal relationships or has ruined personal relationships so I can’t understand how it isn’t an actual symptom or diagnostic thing for adhd.
Before knowing there was a term for it, I called it “debilitating rage.” It is as much physical as emotional, the first thing is that my heart begins to pound so hard it feels like being hit in the chest and I feel the pulse throughout my body. Everything tunnels in slightly, losing peripheral vision. My muscles tense so much that afterwards I often have knots in my shoulders and back, even soreness in my hands or thighs from clenching up. There is an overwhelming urge to hit something, to release the adrenaline and to take action to release the pent-up internal violence into something external. I have broken knuckles hitting a tree, a solid oak door, a metal street sign. I broke a toe once kicking something.
But the real problem is what comes out of my mouth, I will say things I do not actually believe in an attack on whoever is there. Afterwards I am always left wondering why I said the things I did. There are even times when other people tell me something I said that I do not remember saying at all, and usually something particularly hurtful to others.
It is triggered by any number of things. One thing I notice is that if I am caught in a little fib it means nothing, but if accused of lying when I am telling the truth that will cause it to explode. I have social anxiety and so when I am in situations where I am uncomfortable, the longer I am there the more likely it is to strike. And because of that I will often have the feeling built up and things that were not done or said with any ill intent or criticism will be misinterpreted and I will erupt anyway. Although, those are the ones I can kinda/sorta feel coming–however it can come on suddenly and unexpectedly even when I am in a great mood, if my brain interprets the thing as an insult or criticism. It is like anything that might make me uncomfortable instead turns into instant hot shame which only lasts for the barest fraction of a second before burning into white hot rage.
But of all of this, the worst part is who it is that triggers it, and who receives the brunt of it. A stranger can say mean things to me and it will be as nothing, because I have no emotional investment in their opinions. No, it is the people I DO care about the most that are the ones who can trigger it so easily. It is like my fear of disappointing them or losing them causes me to worry too much, overreact in ways that triggers this and then I lose them anyway. I have lost numerous relationships because of this. Hard to blame them, really.
And after everything has exploded out of me I am left imploded, feeling crushing shame and depression lasting for up to several days. Or longer. Maybe always.
What would be really helpful is to provide some resources for overcoming RSD.
When this happens to me I feel like someone gripped my heart and stopped it. I get a tightness in my chest and sometimes numbness in my face. I get very protective as if I’m being attacked and so my responses can range from fight (lashing out), flight (I just want to get away) or freeze (I go blank and don’t know what to do). I feel like RSD has motivated a lot of actions in my life and I wish I had realized this sooner as I could have saved myself a lot of hurt.