Rejection Sensitivity Is Worse for Girls and Women with ADHD

1 Comment: Rejection Sensitivity Is Worse for Girls and Women with ADHD

1. My whole adult life, work situations have been… dismal. I believe I have severe RSD in regards to work environments.
   I recently had to take a contract, part-time job. I was out-of-work for 2 1/2 years prior. I have no savings left. I am a woman in my 50s in a part of North America where men – of any age – routinely get jobs “because a buddy gave me a good word”. Women are lucky to get a job at front-line reception/sales/P.R. roles, and they need multiple years of education and experience just for an entry-level pay scale. We also need to be immersed in all the latest computer administrative programs (Word, Excel, Google Drive, Slack, etc) and social media platforms (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Reddit, SnapChat, YouTube etc.). I’m constantly competing with people 30 years my junior. I’ve diligently learned how to work the above platforms professionally, but… I hate them. I have few followers personally, because I always thought the practice of soliciting followers was… crass. But nowadays, employers scan your social media pages to see if you’ve been “successful” in building up an audience; Uck, so much for modesty.
   And yup. whenever times are tough (as they have been here since 2015), front-line, female oriented jobs are the first to be cut.
   I’m in a world of pain. I come home retching every night. To sum it up, my supervisor just seems to be very unhappy with… well, not with my work, because every time I’ve showed her my finished product, she’s loved it. But… man, she’s unhappy with… something. I think the latest complaint was that things were waaay behind schedule, when I know they aren’t. She has also showed up looking at my computer screen over-my-shoulder, demanding to know what I’m working on. She once saw me looking at a template, (I was just trying to get ideas about how to present a video title page), and she freaked out, thinking I had “wasted” all day creating that template (she specifically hired me because I was an expert at this program, but because she didn’t know what I was doing… ugh, it was like trying to teach a dog astronomy. Also, due to RSD triggers, I just got quickly overwhelmed. I wonder if that makes me look… guilty? Like I’m hiding something?).
   I REALLY was looking at the template to make the project better. I was completely flustered by the doubt/accusations… and distrust. Why? Now I feel depressed.
   I’m screaming into pillows every night when I get home (I live in an apartment complex, so I’m trying to be quiet in my terror) and always think about suicide.
   It was SO important to come out of this job with a great referral. I’m not making money here (but yes, anything to help pay rent beyond… nothing… is a plus), it’s a huge step down in seniority, it’s a gut-wrenching daily commute (3 hours), and I’m working with equipment that is bottom-level and years-old (meaning I have to work extra hard to just get the formats recognized by the editing programs… ugh, and to get 5-uear old codecs to work with others… it’s just a nightmare). But I have dealt with all of the above in other (ugh, contract, part-time jobs) many times; my breaking point is a supervisor who is distrustful, micro-managing and ultimately determined to make me look incompetent (so she… seems to be the savior by intervening and saving the project? Or… because she has to make sure I didn’t warrant a work extension that would be out-of-budget?). I honestly don’t know WHY any supervisor would work to make a contractor produce inferior work.
   At least it’s only until March of 2021. I’m hoping I can keep my RSD in check until then. But I have so, so much anger, resentment and sadness to see this all happening again… a poorly-paid, contract job that requires a whole lot of extra work… resulting in a mediocre reference. I’m SO SO ANGRY.
   And I know from experience that a mediocre reference is almost worse than a bad reference (phrases like “works well with supervision” will just… kill you).
   Honestly, I have been so nice and gracious at work, but… I’m not that way at all. My RSD is RAGING every day.
   I’m drinking a lot of alcohol, which OF COURSE isn’t recommended. But… no, I don’t have any other areas of relief/relaxation. I have no family; I’m single, and have no children. My very elderly mother is the only relative I have left in the country (and I worry about her constantly). My boss refused to let me work from home (saving me the brutal 3-hour commute because… well, I’m not sure why. She just REALLTY doesn’t trust me). So I’m also terrified of contracting COVID from a group work environment, and paralyzed with fear about passing COVIUD to my mother.
   I come home and… panic. Alcohol is the only thing that gives me relief from my anxious, terrified brain. I need it to just get my brain out of screaming terror.
   Anyway, I’m only sharing this to give readers an example of how RSD can potentially explode, and can be so tough to control. It will be a miracle if I don’t rage-out before the end of March.
   Yet, I don’t think I will. I’ll just have another mediocre reference, still be destitute, and just somehow… be worse-off than I was before I took the job. And that’s all I’ll have to show for my control of my RSD.
   I just… I hate my life so, so much.