From Love Bombing to Boredom: Is ADHD to Blame for Mercurial Relationship Cycles?
Hyperfocus on a new relationship and partner — showering them with gifts and attention — may be mistaken for love bombing, especially when the heat begins to cool. This cycle is not present in most relationships touched by ADHD, but it does impact a population of ADDitude readers, some of whom share their stories here.
5 Comments: From Love Bombing to Boredom: Is ADHD to Blame for Mercurial Relationship Cycles?
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Oh man. This article brings back so many memories. It easily overlaps with catastrophizing as well because you start to get scared to even embark on something romantically because knowing my ADHD, I know that whatever passion I have for this person, which is usually “on the fence”, will fizzle in months, weeks, or days, and then you’re just looking for a way out. I feel really bad for people with ADHD who have to deal with this, but I feel far worse for people who are on the other side of it.
I once fell in love with an Italian. She was pretty amorous to begin with, but with my hyperfocus ADHD, I treated her so well. Within a few weeks we were inseparable. And then, suddenly, within four months, the passion I felt for her completely died as she started school and I started working. Our lives went separate ways and I just could not feel anything for her anymore. She spent the next two years trying to get me back but it was to no avail. She even sent flowers to my apartment and I didn’t want them.
To this day, I don’t get involved with anyone romantically unless it’s clear that GOD is working something out. Because it’s too heartbreaking for me to consider the other person dropping their guard, starting to plan a future with me, and then suddenly I have to sit down with her and tell her that the relationship is over. I’ve blind sided someone like that before and it really sucks for them. But, as long as I am content to be single and to just pursue things slowly and only if there is a real possibility of long term compatibility, it’s not that bad. But, if someone with this sort of problem is looking for love, they can hurt a lot of people.
So, I’ve learned that ADHDers are often drawn into addiction (for the dopamine hits?). Sex & Love addiction is a thing, just like alcohol, gambling, and drugs. There is therapy for it. There are 12-step groups for it…for both the addict and the partner.
I wonder if medication helps? Would love to hear from others with ADHD.
Unfortunately, a lot of folks are not taught how to self-regulate, just punished for not doing so. I work on self-regulation a LOT with my ADHDer and we discuss healthy relationship skills and tendencies, because she is wired to be super self-centered and that’s not going to fly with me, her mother, let alone a future partner. She’s good with friends and little kids, but she has a hard time keeping up with expectations. She’s very fun motivated, so I try to allow that to be part of as many things as I can. I also teach her how to be serious-minded. It’s not her favorite, but I think her future husband will thank me! She loves the idea of love and has been into romance and marriage since she was 3 years old. I can’t just ignore that and hope she succeeds. I think that training is what a lot of ADHDers missed growing up.
I have been doing a lot of reading/YouTubing about narcissism. The behaviors described in this article sound a lot like narcissism.
Interesting! I was intrigued by the “intense infatuation – relationship ends before infatuation – obsess for years” comment. But it’s different for me; I have become infatuated, had that affection returned, and maintained a relationship for years (longest was 11 years). But when it’s an unrequited love, the obsession kicks in until they do something I really don’t like, and then – bam, it’s gone, never to return. In fact, I feel extremely embarrassed and even ashamed, because it often goes from intense infatuation to disgust.
It bothers me a lot overall. It feels silly and shallow. I’m a horrified by the sharp extremes. As many with ADHD do, I am usually VERY “suspicious” of my thoughts & emotions, in particular infatuation, and work hard to not follow or engage it. Let’s put it this way: I move very slowly. I rarely initiate any action that will take it from friendship to intimacy. That’s actually saved me from some terrible mistakes. Nevertheless, it’s confusing as hell and I grapple with how intense it starts, and the speed at which it vanishes. Oh, and I’m also disturbed by how these unrequited “crushes” go on for years – in one case, over 30 years (I’m in my 50’s). After re-establishing a friendship with this person, he did something that really offended me, and a 3-decade-long obsession completely vanished.
Or is this normal? I mean, I feel pretty comfortable with the fact that I didn’t act on a large number of infatuations – I’ve dodged many bullets.
It’s just that sometimes my emotional self seems to be like a wild dog, and I’m always straining to keep it under control.