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"I Married Him to Be His Partner, Not His Boss."

I'm not perfect. I blow up sometimes. I get frustrated easily and hold too many grudges. My husband works with me on these things, roots for me, and forgives me. So why is my therapist telling me to do anything different with him and his imperfect symptoms of ADHD?

3 Comments: "I Married Him to Be His Partner, Not His Boss."

  1. As far as I know, my husband’s obliviousness to the mental load is caused by anxiety, not ADHD, although we both grew up before that diagnosis was common. Unfortunately, with my own executive functioning issues, having to carry so much of the mental load (and we should just get it out there that what is called the “mental load” is not just mental) is just exhausting. If it weren’t for my husband’s many skills and willingness to perform all the yardwork and even major repairs, I couldn’t handle it. At one point when we were on the point of breaking up, he said, “I’m just along for the ride. Think of me as your third kid.” I replied that the children were my kids; I needed him to be an adult. He’s also a very inquisitive person who listens to a lot of podcasts on neuropsychology and similar topics, and that does give him some insight, just not enough to penetrate the concrete sarcophagus around his self-awareness.

  2. Oh, the irony…

    My mega-organised wife said, “…it’s like having four children instead of three…”. When she got cancer, I looked after her after the operation. When other issues arose, I sorted them out.

    I lost my job, my business failed and the end, she didn’t want to live like ‘this’. We agreed to separate a year ago.

    We agreed that day not to argue about anything and haven’t. I visit the kids every weekend and I still deal with the issues (this weekend the cooker and washing machine both need repaired which I’ll do).

    It’s sad. I miss my kids terribly. I am unemployed and live frugally but am reinventing myself and learning how to live life better.

    A partner with ADHD is not a child. They have a different behaviour pattern and need to live and work in a manner that works for them. It is far, far better to look at those strengths and find manageable solutions that the Adder can work with and be self-reliant with.

    I don’t blame my wife or myself. I am immensely grateful for our time together, the great adventures and three beautiful children.

    It’s just time for the next big adventure…

    1. Wow…sounds very familiar to me. I am glad that things have worked out for all concerned. Hard for me to see that happening in my case. The only thing keeping my wife and I together at this point is our young daughter with big ADHD challenges. Thanks for your post as it provides some optimism when considering options.

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