Crying, Screaming, and Hiding: All the Ways I Deal with ADHD Shame

17 Comments: Crying, Screaming, and Hiding: All the Ways I Deal with ADHD Shame

1. Oh the brighter day comments. I loathe them with all my heart, and I always want to punch someone in the face when they do a Dorothy. It sucks, everything you described sucks. You just go to pieces like a jigsaw puzzle and the only one left behind is a whimpering mess supposed to be in control. I won’t say I’m sorry for your predicament. You didn’t create it. You didn’t pick this brain out of a catalogue. Why should you be Sorry, or anyone sorry for you? Here’s a hug though for that brain.

   I’ve been trying mindfulness lately to help with the shame, guilt, and panic attacks (also for the fraud part, oh the fraud part!). It seems to be helping me gather myself before I’m out there facing the demons. It takes time to set in though. Even a 5 minute practice is enough is what i hear. I do 15 minutes a day. On most days it’s annoying brain chatter but I’ve lately been able to find a few moments of peace here and there. Give it a shot maybe.

2. I have such extreme social anxiety that I don’t even process comments people say to me (at social events, the playground etc) because I am so self conscious the entire time they are talking – my inner dialogue just drowns them out )until later – on the way home, when I am in the bathroom at said event – when I am alone. It has gotten so bad and I’m so used to doing this that I don’t even realize now if they have actually asked me a question! When I was younger this confused me so (didn’t get diagnosed until early 30’s) but knowing now that it’s because of my ADHD and even being finally properly medicated – doesn’t help with the lifetime of this habit of “comment gathering”. For instance my meds allow me to follow conversations now/be present and hear the whole thing but only around those I know and deal with every day and feel comfortable with. With strangers or acquaintances the lifetime pile up of inappropriate comments and reactions kicks in and puts me on auto. I guess it’s self-preservation but it’s disheartening because like you said; I know intellectually what’s going on but it’s like there’s the “smart” me and the “real” me which is the adhd/hyper emotional/fraud/fake that’s gonna get found out.

3. This hit so close to home – getting up, brushing myself off, and moving forward is all that seems left- wishing it could be different but finally figured out its going to last lifetime

   1. Thank you for sharing. I have been there from time to time. The solution would be to do nothing adventurous, but what kind of life would that be. I consider hitting the bottom as part of the ADD lifestyle.

4. Dear God I have been there. At least once a week I have the same thought, “Why can’t I just be ME?” instead of some socially acceptable facsimile of a person.

   My heart goes out to you. I certainly can’t think of a different way to deal with it. Most of the time I’m lucky if I manage to hide first before melting down. I’m not prone to acting out, but like you said… sometimes you just get so blindsided by intense agony, fear, and anxiety that you simply lose it and then have to struggle to get back from the edge of the abyss.

5. I only loved this post because it hit me so close to home. It hit me in the heart its candor, its honesty and because of the many times, over and over, I felt this way. Every little book report throughout school resulted in almost panic attack overwhelm. The fear of being laughed at and therefore rejected was almost too much to bear. I never passed out or anything, but the heart pounding, face reddening, ear ringing desperation for it to be over every single time was exhausting. Thank you for sharing your yourself so personally.

6. I only loved this post because it hit me so close to home. It hit me in the heart its candor, its honesty and because of the many times, over and over, I felt this way. Every little book report throughout school resulted in almost panic attack overwhelm. The fear of being laughed at and therefore rejected was almost too much to bear. I never passed out or anything, but the heart pounding, face reddening, ear ringing despe ration for it to be over every single time was exhausting. Thank you for sharing your yourself so personally.

7. Yes, I quite understand the shame. No matter how accomplished, well educated, even brilliant some with ADHD may be, shame can bring us to our knees. In my case, perfectionism is one of my coping mechanisms. A mask to hide my ADHD from a critical world. Unfortunately perfectionism makes us susceptible to agonizing bouts of shame for our perceived failure to meet our own high standards or those of others. When we are outted as imperfect it strikes to the core. Shame is the immediate and uncontrollable emotion experienced. We go straight to the the fight or flight mode, bypassing our executive functioning part of the brain. It is instantaneous. No time for our prefrontal cortex to analyse and mediate an appropriate response. No time for impulse control and organization of emotional reactions. Double whammy. We are ashamed of being outted, then ashamed of our reactions to the shame. Not enough emphasis is put on understanding the extreme emotional sensitivity of ADHDers. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I am hopeful though. Recent studies involving the epigenetics of ADHD point to the impact of our environment on gene expression. Perhaps even at the age of 62 I can change, suppress or eliminate those genetic markers that have wreaked havoc in my life to date.

8. All the advice is always about fixing yourself – and like you said, if you could do that, you wouldn’t need advice in the first place.

   You’re not broken so you don’t need fixing. What you do need is better preparation for events so that you’re more prepared for challenging and even negative remarks. Before you even accept an offer to speak, just ask yourself three questions.

   So that you don’t forget to do it, or even what they are, make a .pptx or .docx and name the file 3 Questions and put it on your computer desktop. If you think I’m kidding, you don’t have ADD 🙂 That’s why there’s only 3 questions.

   Three Questions:

   1. Why are you doing this? If you’re doing it to challenge yourself, be ready to have a horrible experience – that’s what challenging yourself means, risking the possibility that things won’t be what you expect. Think about why you would do it, what you would learn, how you would feel if it doesn’t go as expected. Look at all the feelings you could have and what you would gain from feeling that.

   2. What’s the worst that could happen? What if you fart while someone else is speaking? Really loudly. That is total embarrassment, and it’s not impossible. Think about all of the awful things that COULD happen, like someone asking a question you’re not ready to answer. Make a response, and practice it. Over and over and over until it’s second nature. Take a deep breath. Appear to ponder the magnitude of the query, all the while gathering your wits. “Huh. Beats me!”

   3. What will I feel if I blow it? Even if you think you’re prepared, you could still blow it. Anyone could, not just you. We can all get caught by surprise. But thinking about how you would feel helps to prepare you for how you DO feel if it happens. It also helps to scale the feeling so you don’t over-react.

   It’s going to make me feel lousy, take away my authenticity, make me ashamed if people laugh at me. And then think, how can I help myself feel better more quickly? Remind yourself of a time you didn’t make a mistake or lose your place, think about family, pets, stories, famous people you admire – all these things bring good feelings back to you and help you get over bad ones.

   You’ll notice these 3 questions are all about being prepared. Because sometimes we process things a little more slowly and deeply than other people, we can be blind-sided by the unexpected and be slow to react appropriately. That makes us embarrassed and ashamed.

   Nothing works all the time for everyone, but by knowing why you want to do things and then thinking – when you have the time – about what might happen and how you would feel, you can help prevent those feelings of shame from taking root in your mind.

   Just in case you think I’m just saying this – here’s my story. A couple of weeks ago I went to a cousin’s memorial. Our family was very divided and did not communicate or see each other much over the last decade.

   1) So why was I going? Because she was important to me when I was growing up and I owed it to her to pay my respects.

   2) What’s the worst that could happen? Polarized family and friends could snub me or even question my right to be there. My response: This isn’t about me, it’s about respect for someone’s memory. And in fact, several old friends did snub me, very unexpectedly, and I was caught off guard.

   3) What will I feel? Because I did expect people to be rude or rejecting, I didn’t go off the rails. I made some small talk, and then excused myself by saying I didn’t want to take up anymore of their time. Other family and friends were surprisingly glad to see me, so I spent extra time with them – asking about their lives and families to give myself positive things to consider outside myself.

   Try it, it might help! And, it can’t hurt, right? Because even if you try it and it doesn’t work, you’ll be prepared for that, too.

   1. Thanks for all your comments. But there was no way to prepare for this assault on my dignity, thus I responded from a child like place. My adult certainly was not on board and my reaction was less than attractive. I had MANY misgivings about publishing this tale — my perfectionism is yelling at me to retract it!! LOL. But I shared it only because as an ADHD professional, even I can be sidelined by my own history, my own soft spots that haven’t yet quite healed.

      Every time I out myself like this, I feel that I have opened myself up for advice. And that’s not what is going on here. It is simply an acknowledgment that no matter how educated , how informed, how “therapized” you are (and I am all those things), shame can cut you down in an unexpected instant.

      So, am I a sniveling softie all the time. Nope. Not even some of the time. Just once in a blue moon, but I wanted you to know that my soft underbelly is still soft. And that I survived…again.

      1. I know this is almost a year after you wrote this, but it was featured in one of the emails I recently received from ADDitude, so to me it’s fresh. The thing is, by writing a piece like this, and putting it out there, as you say, you have done your part. The part where you have control over what we do with it, is now past. Because once it’s out there, then it’s our turn to read it, reflect on it or ignore it, and to respond if we wish, and how we wish. Many respondents shared they have experienced the same or similar situation — so the (unsolicited? I don’t really think so…) anyway – the advice offered by other respondents may serve to help other people who have experienced public shame, even if it doesn’t help you. And that’s a good and helpful outcome.

         Sharing in a forum such as this one, with people who are as reflective as we are, it’s a risk. But know that when people respond to us as writers, they respond with love and a sincere desire to HELP. Rick Green said something last summer that resonated with me, such that I was in tears about it. I was truly overwhelmed and exhausted by the ADHD Telesummit — I mean, really?, 5 webinars every day for a week? For someone with ADD? Who can take all that in??? Rick said that (paraphrase alert) having all this information is not helpful if we are unable or unwilling to use the information to actually take action with it. He was absolutely correct. So being extremely knowledgeable isn’t necessarily helpful either, if we can’t listen to and “hear” others when the tables are turned on us. And I say this with love, because I’ve been there, too.

         Best of luck with the 2018 ADHD Telesummit — ( and this year, I will pick and choose what I listen to….)

      2. Thank you for this comment. I was disheartened by the authors unwillingness to take in the advice written by others as well.

9. So brave delivering a public presentation …clearly a capable person….taking on such big challenges yet someone else chooses to publicly humiliate her ..
   Surely an expert could offer some help specific to this kind of ‘breakdown….the author explains the meltdown process with such clarity…hope some experts reading this would come forward to offer their help /advice

   1. Don’t need help or advice. I KNOW all the right things to do, say, be. But when shame creeps in (or better, slams me like a two by four) I am at its mercy. And hate it. Wanted you all to know that it happens even to those of us experts who are highly successful in so many areas of our lives. And yet, it hurts just as much. When have YOU been shamed unexpectedly?

      1. So,no advice, just thanks,your story resonated with me.

10. Yes, I understand the article because I’ve been there. When I read an article like this, it all sounds so easy. But, it is not. It is one thing to live it.

    1. Thanks for the validation – it hurts like hell and yet we go on. We are stronger than we realize!