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“Reverting to My 13-Year-Old Self”

Instead of fixating on finding a new job, I’ve impulsively and obsessively thought about ‘the ex.’

OK, so I am weak and only human. I have not been able to achieve the DNC rule (do not call) that friends have been beating over me. “Why did you call him? Do not call him!”

I am fixated and obsessed with the ex. I am back to my 13-year-old self. In the same way I obsessed over Kirk Cameron on Growing Pains, I’m now fixated on a man who doesn’t love me or even like me in the same way.

I am nuts. I wish that I hadn’t pushed so much, that I hadn’t demanded all of these things of him. I wish I had been more coy, less impulsive. I wonder if this is my adult ADD self, acting like a dog on a steak. I can’t let go, but I’m not sure why.

Rather, what I should fixate on is finding a new job. Last night I surfed on the CHADD website, wondering whether, if worst comes to worst, I should admit to the ex-lover and to the boss at work that I have attention deficit disorder. However, I’m convinced I’d be marked like Hester Prynne in The Scarlet Letter, “A for ADHD.” So instead, I’d rather be remembered for being lazy, a ditz and ultimately annoying. Isn’t that sad?

Fortunately, the she-boss is gone this week, but I live work (and life) as if I am always on a tightrope. I wonder if I should just cut the pseudo-boyfriend, who told me he wants to be a friend, out of my life, out of the in-box. I feel like the storm inside has yet to die down, and, supposedly, it is spring.

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