“Inside My Perfect World”
I sometimes imagine that I am walking on a thin beam suspended high above the sky, that’s what ADHD feels like.
One cannot cure themselves of ADHD, it is chronic but at times humorous. Today, for example, I forgot to take my medication. I say the oddest things also. Tonight the chat with the sister sounded like a skit out of Saturday Night Live. I invited the sister to the next ADHD meeting but said it would be really short. Why? Because no one shows up, it’s an ADHD meeting.
Jane made a funny, she cracked. There are a lot of funnies, I think, they come out of my mind like treasures amongst the many weeds that I also need to live with. On any given day I will go on an adventure in my mind, I think okay maybe I should take piano, or travel to Australian to search for Tasmanian devils, maybe I should take up choral singing or become a Catholic, I wonder if I will ever find my prince charming or the love of my life, I wonder if perhaps I should go out more, maybe I’m too much of homebody. A million thoughts cross my mind and in the end it’s a delicious journey.
Reality is paying bills, it is forgetting the online banking password for the umpteenth time, it is speed walking into the humid stinking subways and feeling like a thousand eyes are on me and feeling subconscious about it, it is sitting in the silence of my own world at work and not talking to a soul, it is fearing to walk to the water cooler because I fear people, might they be able to see what is wrong with me?
Without the meds today I crashed, around four this afternoon, I came close to nodding off and falling asleep at my desk. Without the meds I am all over the board, constantly folding and unfolding my legs, buying things that I throw in the boxes under my desk, I am jittery, but with the meds I am sedated but sad.
There is my perfect world. There is a bright light in the darkness or at least I need to remind myself of them, as of late I made peace with mom, she’s spacey and selfish but not malicious, made acquaintances with the little half sister, I fought my demons and took a leap into the East River and made it from Manhattan to Brooklyn, I had come so close to withdrawing from that race but I didn’t.
There are many wonderful things about life even getting gray hairs because it reminds me that I am mortal, but what I starve for most is happiness, and peace, peace of mind, peace with self. I sometimes imagine that I am walking on a thin beam suspended high above the sky, that’s what ADHD feels like. There are moments when you are confident it’s fine and others when you lose focus, and you feel like you are going to fall and die.
To find peace today I forced myself to go to the pool and swim, it felt so good to see Patrick, so nice to see him, so nice to see good old Charles in my lane. I was a little offended he told me to stick in the slow lane, but I think he could tell that I just needed a nice light workout today, I just needed to enjoy the water. I so love it. When I can slip into the coolness and quietness of water I feel at peace with myself.