Q: “How Do I Support My Child with ADHD During Our Divorce?”
Children with ADHD may be particularly unsettled as they adjust to a divorce in the family. Here’s how to calm their worries.
Parenting Through Divorce
Q: “I’m going through a divorce. My child, who has ADHD, seems to be acting out more, and even lying. How should I handle this?”
Divorce is difficult for kids of all ages, and their stress and frustration may manifest in behavioral changes. Lying is a common behavior in kids with ADHD, especially younger children. Most of the time, parents are very concerned because they think, “I’m raising a sociopath. Why is my child lying? This goes against our family’s values.”
Why Children with ADHD Lie
In a divorce, lying can often take on another dynamic. A child may lie about what happens in the other parent’s home because they think it’s what you want to hear. Many feel that the divorce is their fault, and they see that you are sad when they leave you. Maybe they’re having a great time in the other house, and they feel bad that you’re alone. So, they might say negative things about what happens in the other home to make you feel better.
If this is the case, take a deep breath before you act. Some parents might think, “My ex can’t take care of our child. They’re eating candy for dinner and going to bed after midnight.” This might not be happening, or at least not to the degree that your child is saying.
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If you’re concerned about something you hear, don’t interrogate your child for details. Check in with the other parent, without making accusations. The more you and the other parent exchange information directly, the better the outcome for your child.
Become Your Teen’s “Board of Directors”
If your child is a teen, they may feel rushed toward independence by the divorce. They may also feel that they have to take care of the parent who’s struggling emotionally. On top of that, if their ADHD is not sufficiently managed, sometimes this can lead to acting out.
Divorce or no divorce, this is the time in a teen’s life when parents should be stepping back, letting go of the scaffolding, and letting their child fail a little bit. Start transitioning from being what I call the CEO of a child’s company to the board of directors. If this sounds like your issue, make sure that you are listening to your teen and asking questions. Try not to control a situation or offer advice; just listen.
Divorce, like any major change in the family, will bring up some really big feelings. The best way to start to manage your child’s emotions is by owning your own. It’s good modeling. We can’t hide what we’re feeling from our kids. You can say something like, “You know what? I’m feeling sad right now. I’m not going to feel like this forever. It’s going to pass. But today I feel sad, and that’s okay.”
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Reassure your child even when you think they don’t need it. Remind them over and over that the divorce was not their fault, and that while their parents’ love for each other might change and look different, each parent’s love for their child never fades.
Parenting through Divorce: Next Steps
- Read: The ADHD Co-Parenting Guide to Consistent Treatment
- Watch: Coparenting After Divorce — How to Manage ADHD Consistently Across Households
- Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home
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