2015 was the year my marriage ended. After dealing with that disappointment, in 2016, I’m determined to start over with hope – even with adult ADHD.
I returned home to the father, stepmother and the sister for Christmas. After the roller coaster ride of the past season, I needed the time away. I left behind the left coast, dark memories of my marriage that never took off, and the soon-to-be-ex-husband.
For the last month, I’ve looked at others my age with envy – their happy families, their professional achievements – but at 40, I’m wise enough to know that things that happen on social media and what goes on behind closed doors are often different.
After all, I am married. But it is a terribly unhappy situation, and we live almost separate lives. I will never understand why the husband never gave us a chance as a married couple. There are many moments when I’m bitter and angry, and I can’t stop feeling woe is me. I’m a good person. I deserve better. I deserve a life of love and intimacy.
If I could wave my magic wand, I would have a lasting long-term relationship, a solid job, and profession. I would have my own home and a place to settle down – a façade of stability.
Loved ones, my entourage of mentors, godparents, aunts and uncles, tell me that I can have those things. All I need is a bit of direction, patience, and belief in myself.
So on this Christmas, and at the turn of the New Year, there is hope. Time is precious and goes by in the blink of an eye. We are all a year older, with a few more wrinkles, gray hairs, and pounds to show for it.
It’s a reminder that I must pick up and move forward. So, instead of looking back at all I left behind in 2015, I look ahead to the possibility of a new job, a new friend, a new location – the opportunity to start over again at 40.
It’s time to end the pity party, and to throw off the second guesses. What if I didn’t have ADHD? What if I’d made different choices? What if I had taken another path?
Instead, I will move forward. The opportunities are there if I just step through the door and grab them. This year I’m going to accept the glass half full.
Updated on May 10, 2021