Living with ADHD: Beyond Tips and Tricks
How do I move from ‘dealing with’ ADHD to ‘living with’ ADHD and thriving as a result of ADHD?
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Does ADHD define me?
Of course not!
That’s a silly question!
Everyone knows that ADHD is only one small part of me.
I am MORE than my ADHD.
Then why are there websites and podcasts and books and organizers and therapists and, yes, ADHD coaches, who are eager to help me “deal with” my ADHD? They have tips and tricks and advice oozing from every pore and every page.
“Break the big job into smaller ones.”
“Begin with the end in mind.”
“Stop working on the computer two hours before bedtime.”
I’ve spent a lifetime memorizing these and hundreds of other helpful tips and tricks. I have schedulers and timers and colored folders and project management software. I’ve even recommended them to my clients. I know HOW to get organized, be on time, deliver on my promises. Yet I’ve mastered none of them. And frankly, I’m tired of trying.
I can’t shake the feeling that the world ‘out there’ believes that the operative word in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is “deficit.” That’s awfully close to “deficient.” And a long way from “fulfilled,” which is the adjective I’ve chosen to describe the rest of my life.
I unconsciously fall into it, this sense of being “less than” those perplexing folks whose neurotransmitters play together nicely. And I am usually unaware that I have clicked into my compensatory mode, either tap dancing to cover my deficits or applying a thick layer of my most effective tips and tricks. I can fake being “normal” for a while, but I have no endurance. The facade melts and I am exposed.
Now that I’m older, I don’t cringe nearly as often as I once did when I was “outed” as an ADDiva. But I do take a look at my patterns. With as much “work” as I’ve done with therapists, coaches, books and all the rest, I am dismayed to find that sometimes my gut response is still shame, followed by an urgent need to “try harder.” Even deeper though, is my realization that I am simply exhausted by the effort. It’s not worth it any more. To my body, my psyche, my energy.
Surely, surely, I can release the growling undercurrent that monitors my ADHD-ish behaviors. Or at least notice it before it controls my thoughts and actions. When I’m on my deathbed, I don’t want my last words to be: “Well, I was almost linear!”
Of COURSE there is more to life than dealing with ADHD. Everyone knows that. It’s the popular answer, ADHD wisdom du jour. But honestly, how much of our lives ARE spent with ADHD at the helm? If I am truthful, 100 percent. ADHD isn’t a mask I can take off at night. I am not “more” than my ADHD. I am ADHD and ADHD is I. Or perhaps ADHD R Me.
So the harder question is: how do I move from “dealing with” ADHD to “living with” ADHD and thriving as a result of ADHD ? How do I look ADHD in the eye, acknowledge its breadth and depth and treat it as a respected ally instead of a pesky nuisance to be shooed away and thwarted at every turn?
I don’t have the answer. This inquiry deserves more than a flippant remark or a cliched retort. My suspicion is that each of us will make peace (and friends) with our ADHD with as much variety and creativity as our wild-child brains allow.
So I invite you into the question. How do YOU go deeper, beyond the “let’s fix it” stage. How do you put your arm around ADHD and walk down the road with it, knowing that there is one absolute certainty: that ADHD will never desert you. It is yours (and you) for as long as you live. How do you move from “endurance” to “fulfillment” starting right now?
Updated on June 3, 2021