When We Hyperfixate on Crushes: Stories of ADHD Limerence
“Falling in love is immediately all consuming. My hyperfocus and fixation are insane. I lose hours, days, weeks, and months to my obsession.”
When cupid’s arrow strikes ADHD hearts, it embeds deep — at least for a time.
For many ADDitude readers, falling in love is an intense, all-consuming experience. The dopamine rush of having a new crush or of being in love is “addicting,” as one reader describes, creating the perfect setting for dopamine-charged hyperfixation and big emotions to take over (especially when it’s unrequited love).
What Is Limerence?
When pining for someone’s love and attention becomes obsessive and disruptive, as has happened to some of our readers, that’s a state known as limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. (#CommissionsEarned)
“Limerence is, above all else, mental activity,” Tennov writes.1 “It is an interpretation of events, rather than the events themselves. You admire, you are physically attracted, you see, or think you see (or deem it possible to see under ‘suitable’ conditions), the hint of possible reciprocity, and the process is set in motion.”
Tennov adds that hope and uncertainty of the other person’s feelings keeps individuals stuck in limerence, which can last for years. “Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs,” she writes.
[Read: From Love Bombing to Boredom — Is ADHD to Blame for Mercurial Relationship Cycles?]
Limerence: Signs of Obsessive Infatuation1
- intrusive thinking about your “limerent object” (LO) often in the form of compulsive daydreaming and replaying memories with the LO
- acute longing for reciprocation
- experiencing emotional ups and downs depending on the LO’s actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
- reading too much into the LOs actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
- fear of rejection by the LO
- avoiding or downplaying the LO’s negative attributes
Limerence and ADHD: Your Stories of Desperate Longing
What happens when romantic longing clashes with ADHD emotional dysregulation, hyperfocus, rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), and a dopamine-starved brain? You get the stories below, from our readers.
“Falling in love is immediately all consuming. My hyperfocus and fixation are insane. I lose hours, days, weeks, and months to my obsession. And then, at some point, the dopamine runs out and my fixation-fug lifts. I realize the person I’ve been obsessed with is just that — a person — and I withdraw. When the magic of dopamine is lost, seeing the other person ‘clearly’ is often crushingly disappointing — disappointing because there’s no way they (or anyone) could ever be the permanent dopamine-high I’m constantly seeking, and disappointing because, once again, I’ve completely lost myself to madness and obsession. I actually stopped dating 10 years ago because I couldn’t handle the cycles of huge obsession followed by crushing disappointment.” — Vanessa, United Kingdom
“I have often experienced limerence with people I have dated. They consume my thoughts. I would always think about them and imagine a future with them. Therapy has helped me take dating one step at a time and only focus on the information that has been presented to me, not what I make up.” — Logan, West Virginia
[Read: “My Darling, My Dopamine.”]
“That ol’ hyperfocus, combined with the rush of feelings and sensations, paired with a vintage rejection dysphoria? It makes for a heady, terrifying time. Those of us with strong emotions and a tendency to fixate have it worse than neurotypical folks. But it can be a beautiful roller coaster of high highs and awful lows.” — Suzi, Texas
“My crushes occupy a large portion of my thoughts and make it hard to concentrate. I’ve even experienced falling in love with someone I didn’t like! It was like getting on a bus from which I couldn’t disembark. All of my feelings seem bigger than neurotypical feelings, but, honestly, I associate these feelings with being alive and truly experiencing life.” — Jennifer, California
“I pick someone who doesn’t return the feeling (in some cases, someone I’ve never spoken to) and obsess over them for a long time. It can be years. I don’t want to be this way. I’m recently diagnosed and have realized that this is emotional dysregulation, RSD, and limerence. I have no idea how to stop it.” — Kat, United Kingdom
“I am ALL IN when I fall in love. I definitely hyperfixate on my romantic interests. When I find a crush or get in a relationship, it always completely takes over my life. If they do not reciprocate, I obsess over it. — Casey, North Carolina
“I fall in love hard and fast, but it’s all in my head. My imagination works overtime, building a perfect relationship and planning our futures together, but I fail to communicate it to the object of my fantasy relationship. Then, when I try to make a move, I do it too fast. I come across as overly needy, clingy, controlling. I scare them off, and I’m all alone once again.” — Jeff, Canada
“I once was so in love with a crush who was already someone else’s long-term boyfriend that I spent years with intense hurtful emotions over someone with whom I’d never be. Breakups and unrequited love are still the most vivid memories of emotional pain I experienced, even though I’ve been happily married for years.” — An ADDitude Reader
“I used to fall all in. It actually felt like that: Falling. I had no control over it, couldn’t hold myself back, and had no limits. There was no stopping it. I hated it, because I was aware of what was happening, but I still couldn’t get out of the hyperfixation that often resulted in unhealthy and limitless behavior.” — An ADDitude Reader
“After years of searching, I finally found a healthcare provider and psychological therapist, both of whom I love because they genuinely care about me on my path to restored physical and mental health. What’s not to love? They affirm and validate me, none of which I get from my spouse. My healthcare provider is married with kids. I fantasize about becoming involved in his personal life, getting to know his wife and kids, babysitting if he and the wife want to take a weekend away, house-sitting if they take family vacations, all that. My therapist is a few years older than me. He’s not married. I fantasize about my husband dying before me, and me falling in love and marrying my therapist. Both of these fantastic scenarios bring me albeit false happiness and peace! Crazy? But that’s where I am. I cling (from afar) to those who care about me.” — An ADDitude Reader
“I become all immersed in romance and find it very hard to focus on any other areas of my life. I get addicted to the feeling of being in love. When I see signs that the other person is losing interest, I double down on my efforts to please them. All the while, I’m very aware that my behavior is not doing me any favors.” — Marta, United Kingdom
“Pre-medication, crushes would take over my life, and so would break-ups, even though I was always the one initiating the breakup. I have to have a lot of help from talk therapy to work on how to be in a romantic partnership long-term.” — Brianna, Washington
“If a woman is nice to me, I immediately start sounding out how my last name would sound as her new last name. I fall head over heels in love. It is awful. I have asked out so many women at work that I am afraid of being fired for it.” — Eric, Texas
“I’ve been happily married for many years now, but, when I was single, I would completely focus and fixate on someone, even when I knew they weren’t right for me. When it didn’t work out, I was devastated, but I somehow convinced myself — perhaps because of RSD — that we were meant to be, and they just couldn’t see it. It took me many years after my diagnosis at 38 to connect that behavior to ADHD.” — Robyn, Canada
Limerence and ADHD: Next Steps
- Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
- Read: The ADHD Guide to Deciphering a Date
- Read: Healing from Heartbreak, the ADHD Way
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