How to Tell Highly Emotional Kids About Your Divorce
Sharing the news of your plans to divorce with emotional kids can be uniquely challenging. Here, an expert shares strategies for parents of children with ADHD.
Q: My spouse and I have agreed to divorce. How should I talk to my kids, who have ADHD, about this in a way that will keep their emotions from spinning out of control?
Talking to your kids about your decision to divorce is difficult, especially when symptoms of ADHD and emotional dysregulation are at play. Here are some tips to help this conversation go smoothly.
Keep the Conversation Short
First, be brief and straightforward. Kids with ADHD struggle to pay attention during long drawn-out discussions. Plan for your conversation to take five to 10 minutes (not including any questions they may ask you afterward). You might begin by saying: “You have probably noticed a lot of fighting between Dad and me. We have decided to divorce. We don’t get along in the way that we need to anymore. This was a hard decision, but we’re hoping it works out better for everyone.”
[Read: The ADHD Co-Parenting Guide to Consistent Treatment]
Decide Details In Advance
The details of your separation should be decided before involving your kids, if possible. All children want predictability and routine, and these are especially important for kids with ADHD. Give your kids structure for their upcoming weeks and assure them that many aspects of their routines will remain the same. Maintain as much consistency as you can for their sake. You might say to them: “You guys will be living with Dad on Mondays and Tuesdays, and with me here on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Then we will switch off weekends. This will start after Dad gets settled in his new place.”
“Nobody’s Fault”
Some therapists encourage parents to explicitly say to kids that the divorce isn’t their fault, but in my practice, I have not seen children who felt that they were to blame. Therefore, I don’t recommend saying, “This isn’t your fault,” because it plants a seed. However, children with behavior issues who see parents arguing frequently about them might wonder if this fighting led to the divorce. Parents of kids with behavior issues might want to say, “This is not about any one issue, and the divorce is nobody’s fault.”
Never blame one parent (or their actions) for the divorce. Children deserve the chance to love both parents, and this will be hard if they are being implicitly asked to align with one parent over the other.
[Read: It’s Not You. It’s Not Me. It’s ADHD.]
Give Them Time
Conclude your conversation with something like this: “We both love you very much and we always will. We are here for any questions you have now or whenever.” Don’t schedule any activities to happen immediately after this discussion. The kids may need to decompress and process, ask you questions, or distract themselves, which are all adaptive responses. Allow them to hang out with you, with each other, or alone, as they wish.
If your kids show increased ADHD symptoms, anxiety, or depression following the discussion, they may benefit from talking with a therapist.
How to Tell Kids About Divorce: Next Steps
- Read: “How Should I Parent When ADHD Emotional Dysregulation Takes Over?”
- Watch: How ADHD Amplifies Emotions
- Free Resource: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
- Read: Can This Marriage Be Saved?
Samantha Rodman Whiten, Ph.D., is the author of the books How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce and 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage.
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