Friends at School

Help Your Child Forge Lasting Friendships

Making friends requires skills that don’t come naturally to children with ADHD. Learn how teaching conversation courtesy at home and working with teachers to develop small group experiences can help.

Friends wear lasting friendship bracelets
Friends wear lasting friendship bracelets

Children acquire social skills by being part of a classroom community. They learn to share, listen, empathize, and consider the impact of their words and deeds.

But kids with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) have trouble attracting and keeping friends. They blurt out answers and get too close to classmates; they misinterpret remarks and miss references or jokes. And when adolescence arrives and social interactions become even more complex, kids with ADHD fall farther behind.

To help your child forge lasting friendships, it’s essential to provide explicit guidance and to offer frequent reminders of appropriate social behavior.

Solutions in the Classroom

  • Keep in mind that a child with ADHD may lag in social maturity. Even if he’s on target academically, think of him as being two years younger than his classmates – and work with him accordingly.
  • Hold class meetings that focus on social skills. Have students practice giving compliments, disagreeing politely, and solving problems as a group. Demonstrate socially appropriate behavior: Encouragement, for example, looks like a thumbs-up and sounds like “Nice try” or “Way to go.”
  • Arrange positive small-group experiences. Assign each student a task: In a reading group, there may be a simile spotter, a reader, and an illustrator to draw a picture of the action. Given an assignment that plays to her strengths, a child with ADHD will be an asset to the group.
  • Develop a secret sign, like pulling your earlobe, that tells a child to stop calling out, humming, or otherwise disrupting the class.

Solutions at Home

  • Prepare your child for social situations. Tell him what to say when meeting someone for the first time, and teach him the importance of transitional phrases like “Hello” and “Goodbye.” Children with ADHD have trouble generalizing; help him practice these skills in a variety of settings.
    [“Mom, I Made a New Friend!”]
  • Express behavioral goals in positive terms. Reminding your child to take turns is more effective than a statement like “Don’t be mean.” If you observe positive behavior, praise it – and be specific. “I liked the way you shared that toy with Tina” says more than “You were good at Tina’s house.”
  • Teach conversation courtesy. Kids with ADHD often interrupt conversations to launch topics of their own. Use dinner time to practice how to maintain eye contact, listen to others, and politely join a group. Urge your child to count to five silently before making comments – it may stop him from blurting something hurtful.
  • Invent games that foster empathy. Role-play difficult social interactions, such as disagreeing with a friend. Swap roles in each encounter, so your child can experience the other point of view. If your child has a hard time reading social cues, use photos from magazines or characters from TV as tools for explaining body language and different facial expressions.
  • Create the conditions for successful play dates. Lots of kids and little structure is a recipe for trouble. With a new friend, keep the visit to one hour, and provide structured activities, like board games. Stay nearby, and intervene if the fun sours. If all goes well, gradually extend the visits and the amount of free play.
  • Let your child play with younger kids, if that’s what she prefers. Such interactions will give her a chance to take a leadership role – something that might be difficult when she plays with children of her own age.

[Someone to Play With: Finding Friends for My Child]

Updated on September 17, 2019

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  1. So I have some concerns about my son. He takes medication and sees a therapist about 4 times a year. he is not a shy person and loves doing things. However around kids he tends to fall back in the shadows. he says he doesn’t want to say anything that might upset others or have them think his idea is bad. He feels like a third wheel a lot of times even when a friend specifically invites him {and other friends} to do something social. How can I help my child feel more valuable and confident?

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