“Some Days, I Wish We’d Never Left the House”
If your child stages public meltdowns — not just once in a blue moon, but what feels like nearly twice a week — we feel your pain. A child’s explosive tantrums aren’t just frustrating — they can be downright humiliating for parents who feel the sting of public scrutiny. Stop the madness with these five strategies for parents to prevent, react to, and stop ADHD-fueled temper tantrums.
Do too many of your family meals out resemble wrestling matches worthy of WWE? What about that episode at the mall? Or that meltdown in church?
Some parents of children with ADHD are held hostage by their child’s bad behaviors, unable to go out to dinner, the movies, or anywhere, for fear of their child throwing a tantrum in public.
Say you’re in your favorite fast food place. Everyone is hungry, there’s a wait to order your food, and your child begins whining and having a meltdown. What do you do?
1. Say no, in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.
When Mom harrumphs, “Why do you always have to whine, Jordan?” she tells her child that she is weak and vulnerable. It seems that there is a chance of getting what he wants if he pushes. Kids hear “No” and “Maybe” at the same time.
Instead, parents of children with ADHD should say no in an unemotional, flat tone. Say, “It’s not happening.” No lecture, no explanation. This is just the way it is.
Over time, kids respect this tone because it becomes consistent — and consistency is so important for children with ADHD. It tells your child, “You can count on me, because I don’t change my mind. You can ask 7,000 times and the answer will still be no.”
2. Set clear expectations with specific statements.
Many parents of children with ADHD try bribery or make vague promises and threats: “We’ll see. It depends on how you behave at dinner.”
This is the last resort of tired, frustrated parents. You are saying, “I don’t want to put up with your tantrum now, so I’m going to string you along and bludgeon you with threats throughout dinner.”
When does “bad behavior” start? When the child misbehaves three times, seven times? Does the child really have a chance?
Be confident and specific, so that your kids know what to expect. Say yes or no. Don’t feel guilty about disappointing them.
3. Put out the emotional fire.
What happens if your calm “no” sets off a meltdown? Whining didn’t work, so now it’s time to embarrass you at the burger place with a full-blown temper tantrum.
Good! Take this opportunity to remind your child that he doesn’t get to choose your reactions. You do. Even though you feel embarrassed, frustrated, and resentful, you are not going to match the child’s screaming with your own. Yelling will escalate the confrontation.
Instead, assume a calm posture. Sit down, cross your legs. Color with crayons and ask your child to help. Pull your child into an activity with you. Being calm says that you are in control of the situation — not him.
4. Give your child concrete jobs to do.
Don’t yell, “Stop it now, Jordan! Cut it out!”
Instead of telling your child to stop, tell him what to do. Giving him a specific job, and an opportunity to be helpful, alleviates his anxiety.
“Jordan, do me a favor and save us a table by a window.” “Jordan and Sarah, could you get seven packets of ketchup, eight napkins, and four straws?”
Then give praise for a job well done. Kids with ADHD like to help. Enlist them.
5. Put energy into solving problems.
Have you noticed how intense we get when we’re focused on the negative? Instead, shift the energy of the conversation toward solving a problem.
“Cookies here? Not going to happen. But,” you say emphatically, your eyes wide, “do you think you guys could get your homework done tomorrow in time to bake chocolate chip cookies? Who wants to stir the mix and lick the spoon?”
By following these five steps, you will give your kids the consistency they need. They will learn that negotiating, whining, and melting down don’t work with you. You’re also teaching them constructive ways to deal with anger and frustration, skills they will find valuable as they grow up.
New Routines for Kids with ADHD
All behavior is learned through practice. So create a new tradition in your home. Say, “Jacob, you’re going to get frustrated, angry, and anxious throughout your life. I know that throwing a tantrum doesn’t feel good. What are you going to do the next time you get overwhelmed?” Develop a calming routine that you and your child can practice until it becomes the default response to frustration. The goal is to replace a negative response with a positive one. Here are some sample routines you can use:
- jumping on a trampoline
- listening to music
- playing catch
- eating a snack together
Updated on May 12, 2021