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How to Strip the ‘Shoulds’ from Your Holidays

A guide for neurodivergent families to ward off holiday stress and shame.

Kate Lynch (she/her) is a mindful parenting coach and yoga teacher
By Kate Lynch, Updated on December 10, 2024
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I don’t need to tell you that the holidays are tricky. The pressure to create picture-perfect moments, the sensory minefield of gatherings, and the worry about being judged by those we love often turns the season of joy into a source of anxiety for neurodivergent families.

We try so hard to fit in at family gatherings. We do our best, yet we end up feeling disconnected, misunderstood, and left out when what we most want is belonging and connection.

My neurodivergent kid is now a teen. Over the years, I’ve figured out a few things that have saved me during the holidays. I share them with you so that they might save you some agony as you navigate and potentially redefine your family’s holiday traditions.

How to Survive the Holidays: A Guide for Neurodivergent Families

1. Ditch the guilt.

I used to feel guilty about not being able to do the holidays “right.” But guilt didn’t help me at all, and it won’t help you. You’re doing the absolute best you can, and that’s more than enough!

I had to stop agonizing over homemade gifts and mailing out custom photo cards with personalized letters that detailed the year’s achievements. We now skip the family photos in front of our tree, and we happily share some hilarious snapshots of our kid (and us) having a good time instead.

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I used to beat myself up for not baking cookies, not having a perfectly decorated home, and not organizing every holiday activity. But I didn’t even enjoy doing many of these activities! I’ve learned that it’s OK to let go of the expectations I thought I had to meet. My kid is happy with a few select traditions, and he’s happiest when I’m not freaking out about making things perfect. Perfectionism is the thief of joy.

2. Redefine normal.

What does a “normal” holiday gathering look like, anyway? Is it perfectly cooked meals? A perfectly behaved family? Or is it a cozy night in, playing board games and watching a favorite movie?

Our holiday activities have evolved over time, and today we enjoy a low-key celebration with just our immediate family. We’ve also been known to skip traditional Christmas dinner and opt for Chinese food and a favorite movie (Elf). We may find a nearby hotel with a heated pool. Why not? We’ve created our own rituals that work for our family.

3. Communicate openly with family and friends.

While it’s never easy, things are a lot smoother when everyone is on the same page in advance. We’ve learned to be upfront about our family’s needs and limitations. We set boundaries and request relaxed expectations for manners and mealtimes. One year at a holiday gathering, I explained my goals to our host (enjoy my meal and have a pleasant conversation). I also decided to take my son’s chair away entirely. At that age he rarely sat to eat, anyway. I asked the other adults to ignore what (and how) he was eating. We had a backup plan (kiddie movie) but we didn’t need it. That was the first year he actually ate some of his dinner and participated in the conversation!

[Related Reading: Bring This Article to Your Next Family Gathering]

Long goodbyes are a thing in my extended family, but sometimes we make a run for it (and explain later) because my child desperately needs a break.

When I start to feel ‘othered’ during the holidays, I try to remember that everyone does well when they can. This also applies to my extended family members, who aren’t always as aware of neurodiversity and inclusion as I am – but they can learn!

4. Minimize sensory overload as much as possible.

While we can’t take our hammock swing or trampoline with us when we visit family, we can take noise-canceling headphones, weighted blankets, and fidgets. Being neurodivergent myself, I need to minimize noise, bright lights, and strong smells – or I feel stress on top of my stress! I also can only handle so much small talk, so I’m the first to volunteer to walk a dog or take the kids to the playground. That way, we all get fresh air, and we get to swing, jump, and climb!

5. Plan ahead but embrace flexibility.

We try to think ahead of possible tricky scenarios and have an exit plan. We check in with each other during the event and we make sure to schedule plenty of downtime later. We’ve also learned to adjust our plans based on how intense the gathering feels.

6. Practice radical self-care.

This holiday season, I urge you to prioritize self-care so you can be the best parent you can be.

For me, self-care looks like…

  • …a spontaneous kitchen dance party with our whole extended family
  • …a quick walk around the block
  • …a podcast while cleaning up
  • …or a few minutes of journaling.

If a certain activity or event is going to be too stressful, I’ve learned it is better to just say no. Self-care might also mean setting boundaries with family and friends (and not skipping my therapy appointment if I can help it).

I’ve also learned the power of taking turns with my partner. When each of us has some time to recharge, holiday trips and events go more smoothly.

7. Focus on what matters most.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my core values and priorities. It’s important for me to spend time with loved ones, create joyful memories, and practice gratitude. What’s not as important for me during the holidays is to check off a list of tasks. I don’t want to race around and pack my family’s days. I want to allow space for wonder. How about you – what do you value? What ‘shoulds’ will you say no to?

No matter your answers, may this holiday season go smoothly for your neurodiverse family.

Getting Through the Holidays: Next Steps

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