My Forum Comments
“He wants to focus on his work and hang out with friends, forget to feed the dogs, forget to put money into our bank account, forget to talk to me, forget to check the car’s fluid levels, etc.,”
Trust me, as someone who struggles with the the impairments in cognitive function that ADHD brings, including executive function deficits, no one with ADHD “wants” to do all those things. I don’t deny that I do forget a lot, making it seem like I don’t care; but I do. I care a lot. But, as frustrating as that can be for my long-suffering wife, I am doubly frustrated by the fact that I have to continually apologize for letting her down in some way.
WarmMuddle I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband. I would just like you to understand that he may forget all the things you mention, but I doubt it’s because he wants to.
I can definitely identify with what Chris says about the shame and self-deprecation that comes from disappointing and letting down my wife because I either forgot something or I made a decision impulsively that had a negative outcome. When that happens I have to struggle to not let my emotions get the best of me.
I know, for myself, the best way for my wife to approach me about something I’ve done/not done is to tell me how it makes her feel. Finger pointing and angry words are a sure way to make me respond with my own anger or to shut down altogether (my most common response). What I’m saying is that when speaking to someone with ADHD you need to bear in mind that they may not have a good grip on their emotions. Conversations need to be approached in a way that tells the person how you feel about something. “When you do _______, I feel _____.”
For anyone who wants to understand the range of impairments, their possible causes and coping strategies, I recommend checking out a YouTube channel called HowToADHD. There are about 100 videos about a whole range of ADHD topics. I’ve learned a lot that way.
I’m sorry if this post seems to ramble or be a little aggressive, but, hey, <points to self> ADHD.
- This reply was modified 3 years ago by socknoggle.
I understand exactly how you feel. The loneliness and feeling that no one understands (or wants to) can be overpowering. One thing that helped me was the virtual support groups you can find on the Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA) site. They are groups that call in to a phone line once every 2 weeks to talk about their struggles. I found it very helpful. Go to ADDA.org and you can find all sorts of good information. Of course, I’ve found so many great articles on this site as well.
Another great resource is the How to ADHD YouTube channel. There are almost 100 videos with a whole range of ADHD related topics.
You are not broken, my friend. Just different, and that’s okay.
According to the ADA, ADHD can be considered a disability if you meet certain criterion. For people in the creative arts it might not be a problem. For people like me who work in areas which require organization and long range planning, it can be a big issue.
Thanks for the information. I struggle at work, big time. When I was first hired I thrived. The projects were very short, just hours or a few days, and I could knock them out quickly. My reviews were very positive. But, the nature of my job changed, very much against my will. Now, the projects can extend over several months. My lack of long term planning ability, organizational skills and time management is killing me. My last review resulted in no yearly raise and left me feeling a little defeated. Review time is here again and I know it’s going to be bad. My company has classified me as a “low performer.”
I would love to find something to do that I love. Due to my status at I am ineligible to move to a different position. My boss understands that I’m not suited and has tried to get them to let me move, but it’s an HR policy.
I make a nice living at my job so I would have a hard time finding other work that is more interesting and fulfilling. I really don’t know what to do.
I’m happy for you. I stutter, too, sometimes and it can be very frustrating. I’m just glad you found something that helps.
I would say it’s a good idea for 1 reason: Many people exhibit some of the same behaviors as people with ADHD, but don’t actually have it. I’m not minimizing what you’re saying and you may very well be right. Aaaand if you do have ADHD you might feel motivated to use the resources, such as this forum, that are available so you can get the help and support that only our tribe can provide. (Okay, so, technically, that’s 2 reasons.)
Just my 4 cents (adjusted for inflation 🙂
I do something similar. I try to put things like my keys, wallet, etc. in the same place every time. Things can go sideways quickly if I put things like my glasses down someplace that’s not normal for me. Or if my wife moves or covers something I’m expecting to be where they’re supposed to be. <heavy sigh> But, yeah, I’m always checking my pockets for my wallet, phone, keys, etc.
I take vitamin D suppliments every day. I think my iron is okay. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea many years ago. I had surgery for it that did not work long-term. I can’t tolerate a C-PAP. My wife sells essential oils and has one she has me apply to my nose before going to bed. It keeps me from snoring. However, I have been having a lot of problems staying asleep. Today I woke up at 2 AM and couldn’t fall back to sleep. Yesterday it was 1 AM. This has been happening sporadically for months. I have no idea why I’m waking. Very annoying.
Thanks, Nik. I did make an appointment with the neuropsychiatrist who diagonsed me. I’m hoping he can make some recommendations for meds and maybe therapy. Meanwhile, I’ll keep working on educating myself in a effort to understand myself better and find tools/methods for coping.
Thanks, Penny. Interesting articles. I took Concerta for a long time years ago with great success, but now it seems to be making things worse. I don’t think my family doctor knows much about it. I guess I’ll have to look for someone who does.
I scored 93% on the EFD test. Not really surprised. 70% on the ADHD self test, which is a surprise. Maybe because I’ve been dealing with it for so long (I’m 56) that I’ve developed some coping strategies.
I can see anxiety being a root cause. It certainly is in my case. Unfortunately, those of us with ADHD are prone to anxiety.
Yeah, I see a lot of the stuff froom my research in me, too. The more I find out the more I recognize symptoms and how they’ve affected me and my life.January 11, 2018 at 9:25 am in reply to: ADD and redundant/lengthy explanations drive me crazy! Anyone else? #73204
My wife likes to explain her entire day to me. In detail. I know she must see me wanting to explode. It can be a constant stream of words. If I want to jump in, but can’t, the stress level just skyrockets until I feel like I’ll go insane. Sometimes, when she’s this happening, she’ll grin and say, “Go ahead.” Relieved, I’ll interject my 2 cents. She is big on repeating information over and over. She says it’s to help me get what she’s saying, even if I get it the first time. She gets upset if I tell her. I can be incredibly frustrating. It puts a real strain on my impulse control, what little I have.
It also happens if I try to talk too fast. I have to purposely slow myself down. Harumph!
I have the same problem. Especially if I get over-excited or angry or stressed. Some times the words come out jumbled because my focus will change mid-word. More often my mouth just won’t form the words and I have to calm myself before I can speak. I also have a problem with stuttering. The funny thing is that I really enjoy and am good at public speaking! Go figure! Even so, speech can be a real source of frustration for me.