My Forum Comments
I hear your pain, both of your pain, all of your pain. I know this well both with my son and with me historically. Now it rarely happens for either of us and i can honestly put this down to both of us learning mindfulness – in my case practising for over 25 yrs so quite advanced now but even in early stages it allowed me to process my emotions far more effectively and calmly. My son and I used to flare off each other so badly – we both have quite a lot of ADHD while my younger son has less – but all three of us have had anger issues historically and none of us do now. It takes time to develop these skills but there are some excellent books around that will really help you – the miracle of mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh worked for me the best initially and then Wherever you go there you are by jon kabat zinn helped a little bit too. i have written a lot of articles about my own journey with ADHD and mindfulness.
HAng on in there please – it can be resolved if you have the right tools and medication is not enough – but we held it together enough to get through it all and are happy and much less stressed than before – i am also high functioning ADHD – xxxxx
the two things i find still (at 64 yrs old) make my ADHD symptoms worse are anxiety and self criticism and punishment.I learned and now teach mindfulness – not the sitting for hours kid of meditation but the self compassion and gratitude positive thinking being in the moment kind of mindfulness. Mindfulness helps me notice when I have drifted, when i am stressed and allow me to use breathing to relax and forgive myself for not being perfect but do you know what – no one else is either- and whatever our ADHD struggles are often there are equivalents going on in other people which are invisible to you. Once i recognised that and also that the most judgmental and critical people are the most unhappy ones inside then i stopped worrying about them a lot more than i did before when i always thought it was my fault. YOU can make progress in your career by recognising that you have unique talents just like everybody else and focus on them instead. i have done lot of workshop and lectures and written lots of books and articles on this kind fo approach to life for those with or without ADHD and they do really work.
Mindfulness helps me to reduce anxiety , stay unstressed, return to focus as often as i recognise i have lost it without h punishing myself, feel comfortable being me, accept i cannot get everything right all the time because no one can and just keep starting at the beginning in each moment – or from wherever i left off. Did you know that even people with no ADHD still lose focus and make mistakes – it is true lol. xxxx
has their child been talked to about triggering your son at all – they sound defensive and thus probably not very sympathetic so probably best to let the school deal with it and keep out of it, unless the school runs out of options – have you talked to them about where you son stands i.e. would he be expelled or excluded if it happens again or not – can they provide additional counselling and NLP support for reducing the reactions to triggers – that worked very well for many of the kids i counselled when a school counsellor dealing with children with all sorts of problems- and i understood their ADHD as i had it too but was able to talk to them about it in helpful waysMarch 18, 2019 at 7:20 am in reply to: Was on the verge of panic today, from people talking. #111984
yes and often though nowadays i am able to monitor my environment well enough to make sure this pretty much doesn’t happen. My problem is that being the wife of a musician means that if i go to gigs i am often expected to be all super friendly with followers and i find this enormously difficult. \it took me about 2-3 years to get completely comfortable with the other wives and i can cope with the crowds by not being in them but sitting apart – there are venues to avoid completely though. Also people think because i am a friendly chatty person generally when 1-1 or 2-2 that i would be great to invite to parties or social occasions but i find them all deeply uncomfortable and am lucky that my DH feels the same way so we just make our excuses and leave people shocked when we explain why – they just cannot understand us and think we are weird.
But at work it is harder – can you wear ear plugs and explain to people how much it all overloads your nervous system – i used to do that when i worked in a busy office – only way i could get any work done at allMay 16, 2017 at 4:39 am in reply to: Everyone has an opinion – how do you deal with critics? #48990
I had terrible time with my birth family who all wanted to blame me for my ADHD son’s behaviour, and it made our life much harder than it needed to be until I learned to walk away from their judgements.
Neurotypicals generally have very little real imagination that people are not all the same and certainly not the same as them. The ‘ i can do this so you should too’ approach to being unkind and judgemental.
You don’t need to cut them off completely although we ended up doing just that as a family because we all got so fed up with their attitudes. But you can cut them off emotionally in terms of not listening to their attitudes and just understanding it is their attitude and nothing to do with you.
I found mindfulness really helped with all this stuff, managing the ADHD my own and my sons, managing other people and coping generally.
first of all don’t try and control Add pr ADHD, you cant and you will end up making things worse by trying to do this. I tried for years and ended up making myself so stressed by trying to be like neurotypicals that i had a breakdown or two along the way. It is all the self judgement snds trying to fit into moulds that you were never intended to fit into anyway. ANd i was a single mum with two sons and a full time job so not an easy life.
Prioritise – what matters most of all.
Challenge the social values that say you must be like this to be a good mum / person etc. rubbish be how you are
stop – just stop rushing and trying to be something you can never be even with Meds. then look and see what you are good at. there will be lots of things that you perhaps don’t even recognise
let go of the demands you place on yourself and pick something that really matters and see if you can do that one thing, just that and nothing else for now. You might feel that this is impossible but i promise you it isn’t. If you feel like you cant do this because there is just too much to cope with just stop and watch a film with your children and share some real quality time with them. THen see if the sky has fallen in yet. or go for a picnic etc. anything that enables you to completely stop for a while and let go of your anxieties for today. Then pick one thing the comes next and do it like that.
Sure you will get distracted, tell yourself that is ok too, if you notice you are distracted then just notice it without judgement or despair and come back to the ask in hand. Keep doing that until you get it done and then you will notice that lots of other things happened when you got distracted each time but that is ok too, some might have been useful and some just interesting
here is an article i wrote about ADH and mindfulness that might help too https://medium.com/@sylviaclare/adhd-and-mindfulness-a-users-guide-54d9cf3c47f1
no guilt no – that is unkind of them to make you feel like that and more or less ignorant too – don’t mean to be hard on them but people without ADHD just don’t understand how hard it is to live with it and be like this although i have also learned to love and laugh with it.
do what you need or want to do
i had to stop using meds as they made me more anxious if calmer mentally – not a good tradeoff- i wasn’t offered other options is was ritalin or nothing – concerta.
Anyway lucky for me i found mindfulness a few decades ago and have really developed it not that i understand my brain more with the ADHD diagnosis – that really helped me, so i think i was self medicating anyway but through meditations lol
I think there are always life skills for everyone to learn social skills especially.
my husband says the great thing about being married to me is that life will never be dull or predictable, i am predictably unpredictable and he likes that in me, i think we both do actually.
I always warn people i am very direct and literal cos of my ADHD and not to be too surprised by some of what i might say or do. I laugh about having ADHD nowadays too, that reduces the need for meds considerably. I think i have enough life skills combined with the right kind of support to get by for my remaining decades but i know i will acquire even more as i get even older lol.
anger came in me from a lack of acceptance of myself as i was, based on all the mis-understanding and eventually what amounted to abuse to get me to behave – plus my mother had narcissistic personality disorder so it was pretty hellish all round for me. I worked on compassion and acceptance as the key things for myself and let go of most of it, I still have problems with ADHD based frustration but rarely get angry nowadays, Mindfulness was the best skill i learned and has been a lifesaver on so many levels , no so easy when you ahve ADHD but so worth the effort to find ways ot make it work for me.