My Forum Comments
Dear Phillipa – Don’t be upset with yourself, you absolutely did the right thing getting H to a doctor to get a formal diagnosis. He shouldn’t have to go over all his past mistakes at all. What should happen is the doctor will prescribe medication for H’s depression and ADHD. He should also recommend that H see a counselor or psychologist/psychiatrist so he has someone to talk to who can help guide him through the transition of accepting his diagnoses and learning to live with it. He will learn to live with it. He just needs to remember that people with ADD/ADHD have nothing wrong with them – their frontal lobe just processes information differently. H just needs to learn about how his brain works, as the Executive Functions are in that area of the brain, and that encompasses his organizational skills, social skills, emotions and filter (that which stops him from just saying whatever comes into his thoughts).
I would suggest that the two of you start researching ADHD and finding out all you can about it. Understanding more about ADHD and depression (which usually goes hand-in-hand). This will help both of you feel more in control of the situation. Knowledge is power, and both of you need to be his best advocate for what he needs. Research will show you ways to lessen symptoms through foods that he eats, supplements and depression and anxiety can be helped with meditation (to relax and be calm). Exercise, being outdoors in the fresh air and sunshine are amazing ways to manage his depression.
Basically, your husband has two choices; he can do nothing and nothing will change, or he can admit that he isn’t happy with the way he feels and do what is necessary to feel better and change his life!
My 15 year old son has ADHD (and is in the Autism Spectrum) and has been diagnosed since kindergarten. My husband also has ADHD and was only diagnosed in the past year. So believe me when I say that I have done a ton of research through the years and gone through seminars and webcasts and countless articles on this website and others, which have a lot of information available.
This is not a terrible thing, in fact, it’s a good thing. Now you both know what the cause is for behaviors that I’m sure have been troubling. Your husband has a chance to take back control of his life and you both will be closer working through together. You will need to learn about how his brain works and what kind of behaviors are or are not in his control. It isn’t easy for the spouse of someone with ADHD, but there are a lot of people in the same position who, through online support groups which can be found on Facebook and other social media I’m sure, and they will be helpful.
I think I’ve said enough for now. Please get him to the Psychiatrist appointment and get the help you both need.
Keep us posted and best wishes 🙂❤
I’m sorry for what you are going through. My husband and son both have ADHD and it is difficult to live with.
I have some advice for you to avoid going crazy – research ADD/ADHD and learn everything you can. Understanding that your husband’s brain works differently and processes information differently as well will be very helpful. I was miserable until I learned what is related to ADD/ADHD and what is simply behavioral that he can change. The other piece of advice is to talk to him when he is in a mood to listen, or even if he’s not. Tell him he needs to get to the doctor and go on medication immediately and that he also needs to learn all about it. Individual Counseling for both of you would help as well.
I assume you don’t have kids? If it’s just the two of you then if he isn’t willing to do what is necessary for his and your emotional and mental health, then you can decide if you wish to stay with someone who won’t do anything about himself.
Best wishes to you both.
The first two questions that immediately come to mind are 1) does your wife have a formal diagnosis from a doctor and 2) is she on any medication?
My husband has ADHD and can be very difficult to live with at times, but he has never called me names or screamed at me. He is bipolar as well. My advice to you is if your wife hasn’t seen a doctor about this, then you need to make sure she does, if not for herself and your relationship, then definitely for the sake of the children. I can’t tell you how destructive her behaviour for the children. Kids are extremely sensitive to their parents moods and behaviors. I don’t know how young your kids are, but their needs are the most important. If your wife won’t see a doctor, then I highly recommend you and your kids get some counseling.
I would also recommend you do some research on ADHD and perhaps bipolar, as she may have one or the other. She certainly needs some help and so do you. If you have a local mental health department or such thing you could speak with them.
I know you must be feeling like you have no control,but you do. You control how you react to and handle your wife’s outbursts and you can ensure you talk to your kids about their fears and concerns. Having grown up in an alcoholic home I can tell you that it’s horrible when your home is filled with stress and fear. It affects who you grow up to be. Your kids deserve better and so do you and your wife. Knowledge is power. Arm yourself and get back your sense of control. Have a talk with your wife when things are calm and she is calm. See what she has to say, but make it clear that she has to get help.
Please update and let us know how things go. You are stronger than you think. Best wishes!
May 7, 2019 at 9:42 pm in reply to: Sudden "Episodes" of not loving me triggered by stress or fear of commitment? #116163
- This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by MommyManiac1963.
Hi – I read everything you said about your fiancé, and his behavior is NOT like anyone I know with ADHD and I live with two people who have it.
What you are describing sounds like bipolar or some other mental health issue. If I may be blunt, it sounds like you have no control over the relationship because of the distance and the people in his life who have control over him.
I can’t tell you what to do, but there are so many things wrong with the relationship that I would take a good hard look at what your life will be like with this person. They obviously have mental health issues but he doesn’t take any medication for it or even have a formal diagnosis. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person then you need to tell him how you feel and that he has to see a doctor and get diagnosed and medicated, with counseling, if you are going to marry him. If you don’t do this at the beginning and see if he does it, then your life will just be more of the same. He needs help and you need to have resolution to your issues.
You may even have to be prepared for him being unwilling to change anything. Then you have to decide if you can live with him the way he is or find someone else.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by MommyManiac1963.
It sounds like your son/daughter doesn’t know how to take responsibility for their own actions and is using you as the scapegoat for everything wrong in their life. I would strongly recommend that you stop helping them because it just keeps the situation going. Why should your child grow up when they have you to turn to with their problems. It’s called “enabling” and you need to stop.
Your child knows they have ADHD – are they taking medication for it? Do they have a support group or counsellor to talk to? They are using your guilt against you. You had no idea there was something called ADHD and the school system and medical professionals didn’t know much about it 20 years ago and kids were frequently labeled “difficult, or a daydreamer, etc. You have no reason to feel guilty and it’s harming you and your relationship with your child. Stop the guilt – it’s a useless emotion.
If it were me, I would do this: stop helping them out in any way (I know it’s hard because of the grandchildren, but if you can get their parents to step up and get the help they need, then it’s worth it). Tell your child that they need to get medicated and find a counsellor and until they do, you can’t help them anymore because it’s having a negative effect on you. However, if they are actively trying to change things and get help, you will absolutely support them. If you want to keep helping your grandchildren and can do it in a way that doesn’t enable negative behaviour in your child, then do so.
There is something called “loving detachment” where you show that you love them, but aren’t going to clean up their messes. If your child never has to face the results of their negative actions, they won’t see a need to change.
I hope some of this makes sense. The other thing I would recommend doing is read up on ADHD so you are properly educated about the condition. Knowledge is power and it will help you with knowing what to expect and what to expect your child to be able to do to help themselves. Your child should educate themselves as well.
ADHD is not an excuse for bad behaviour or ditching your responsibilities. You would also benefit by having a support group to talk to.
Here is a website I use frequently and you may find it helpful. You can find answers about behaviours and lots of helpful advice. http://www.empoweringparents.com
Hope any of this is helpful!April 1, 2019 at 10:01 am in reply to: Do ADHDers lose interest in people easily? Am I just not good enough? #113047
I know how painful it can be when a relationship ends. You feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under you and you can’t imagine your life without them. I’m here to tell you that your pain will pass. Fill that feeling of emptiness inside you with positive things. The more you do of your daily routine the better. Keep busy and talk to people. Don’t shut yourself off from the world. The best advice I can give you is to remember that not every relationship is “The One”. At your age, you will have many girlfriends in your life until you find that special one. We all go through relationships to learn about what we want and don’t want. It’s a learning experience and you take what you have learned about yourself and apply that knowledge to your next relationship. It’s a journey, enjoy it and remember that it’s OK for a relationship to end. My husband is ADD and we have been together for about 25 years. People with ADD/ADHD have relationships like anyone else.March 10, 2019 at 2:18 pm in reply to: Any studies on Medicinal Cannabis treatment of children #110707
Please don’t send me product info to my email. If I’m interested, the info is in your post. My email is not for you to use.
Thank you for your understanding 🙂
Having grown up with an active alcoholic, I speak from experience when I STRONGLY recommend you find the closest Al-Anon meeting asap. There you will find others who have and are experiencing the same struggles as you are living with an alcoholic. You will find warmth, caring, support, understanding and anonymity. A safe place to speak freely about what you’re going through. Al-Anon saved me and my relationship with my Dad. Also, as you feel better and stronger, it will make a difference in your home. You son will eventually notice and want what you have, and you can show him where to get it. Children of alcoholics can end up alcoholics themselves. The only reason I didn’t is because of Al-Anon. Go to at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind about it. I know there are other issues at play, but as you become stronger and less stressed, it will help with those too. It’s time to take your focus off your husband and focus on yourself. After all, we can’t change another person, we can only change ourselves and how we deal with others. Millions of wives, children and anyone else being affected who go to Al-Anon can’t be wrong.
I wish you well and try to take things one day at a time because you can’t change the past and tomorrow isn’t here yet. ❤
One thing I had to learn, and I learned it by going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, is that my Dad was in just as much pain as I was, maybe more. No alcoholic drinks because they want to. It is a disease, never kid yourself about that. They drink to help them feel as worthwhile as they think others already are. Your husband needs Alcoholics Anonymous but he will never go until he hits rock bottom and realizes he doesn’t have everything under control. The only reason my Dad stopped drinking was because he took a friend with a drinking problem to a meeting. He heard something that resonated with him and went to 90 meetings in 90 days as they recommended. His friend never went to another meeting, but my Dad did, and was 45 years sober when Alzheimer’s took his memories.
Trust me when I say that there us hope and help and you will become better – you will get as much as you put into it.
Stay strong and find that meeting and go TODAY!
*Contrary to what you may or may not have heard about Al-Anon, it is not a religious organization.
Please post and let us know how you’re doing.
October 18, 2018 at 11:45 am in reply to: Any studies on Medicinal Cannabis treatment of children #101908
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by MommyManiac1963.
Do some research on CBD alone, without the THC which is what makes you high. It’s the CBD that has the medicinal effects.
I take it to help manage my chronic pain and anxiety and my husband uses it for his anxiety.
We want our 15 year old to try it, but he doesn’t like the taste.
I don’t know if you are in Canada or not (I am), and it can be medically prescribed. I don’t know how much research you will find in this specifically related to ADHD, etc, but I’m all for trying it with my son in CBD form only.
I hope any of this is helpful.