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  • in reply to: Why couldn’t they have just told me? #58863

    Dear DDDaysh,
    (1) You have 65 years “absolutely amazing years” ahead of you!
    (2) Your son will be cared for by the best “mother” God could ever have created.
    (3) If you are still in a relationship with the father of your son that is the second miracle in your life!
    The first was the birth of your son.
    (4) The best way to deal with your mother is to follow, “her example” noted in the following story,
    The Wooden Bowl, !
    (5) My parents were like yours, “reputation” in front of peers was more important than addressing the
    needs of their eldest son. My losses because of their indifference mirrored your own.
    (6) I suggest finding a replacement “maternal” grandmother and saying “goodbye” because if she didn’t care
    about you then, she most certainly won’t care about “two” persons with the same disability today.
    (7) Please help your son learn to become an entrepreneur and especially to stand on his own because I
    have learned that persons with a disability do not identify themselves with having a disability as
    a positive thing and because of that all of them try to take on the world on their own with very
    few succeeding!

    Disability in Canada: Facts and Figures

    (8) If you thought your mother was bad you have seen nothing until you meet up with the majority of the charities for
    the disabled who pretend to care to make another buck.

    (9) Your therapist can help you grieve the loss of a parent, which occurred at your birth,
    which we know because she told other parents what to do for their ADHD kids while ignoring
    her own child.
    (10) I also recommend you look into self-employment because there isn’t a single country in the
    world that cares the slightest about the less fortunate, but the same politicians are only to
    happy to send millions to the less fortunate in “other” countries.
    (11) The sooner you can say goodbye the easier it will be for you to begin your grieving process.
    (12) I wish I could suggest some magic words to say to make your mother love you, but that is
    just not possible in “real” life!
    (13) Please take care of yourself and your son and I wish both of you the very best in the years to come.
    (14) If you wish to learn more about my research just reply to this post because I have clicked
    the box to be notified of follow-up replies via email.
    (15) In sum, there isn’t anything you can say to your mother to make her understand the unending
    suffering you have endured your entire life! Please accept that, say goodbye and find a loving
    replacement maternal grandmother for both of you as soon as possible because both of you are long overdue
    for real love from a loving parent! Maybe that new loving maternal grandmother might even adopt you!
    *I am too old for that now and I only learned about my ADHD in my late 40’s which was a few years ago.
    Again, God bless both your son and yourself.

    in reply to: difficult making study with ADHD Kid #51776

    Dear rammaghenthar,

    1. Perhaps you could teach your son how to use the Cornell Note Taking method and
    have him walk around the house with his study notes in hand. I used that approach
    to get 90+% in university.

    2. Perhaps you could use the premac principle to complete his homework.

    “Grandma’s Law” – The Premack Principle

    Complete one question followed by 5 minutes of something fun.
    Repeat this process until all the homework is done.

    3. I continue to use that principle today especially when I have reports to complete for my work.
    Example: Complete a paragraph for the report then read a page from an action novel. Maybe in your
    son’s case complete a question and then play five minutes of his favourite computer game.
    You will need to be patient with him until he develops the self-discipline to handle this
    approach, but from personal experience I can tell you it works even without medication.
    I used this principle before I was diagnosed two decades later in life.

    4. You could also consider getting Dragon Systems to type while he talks and walks.
    My family doctor uses the “medical” version of this system and he is likely one of the
    most amazing doctors I have ever met because he has his regular practice, is an associate
    professor, makes house calls, he has a paperless filing system, and on his website his patients
    can book their own appointments online with him.

    in reply to: Spouse denies I have ADD #51775

    June 25, 2017

    Dear Anomalocaris,
    1. Please talk to your pharmacist because some drug companies will provide free medication to those in need.
    2. Maybe one of these clinics could help, .
    3. Maybe your doctor could donate samples of the medicine you need which would allow you to work more hours
    and thus be able to afford the medicine with the extra income the following month? Your doctor could
    ask the drug company sales rep for an amount equal to your regular monthly prescription and then pass it on to you.
    4. Maybe a charity for ADHD could advise another source for free medication to help you to be able to work
    that extra ten hours a week.
    5. Maybe your church could pay for your prescription as part of their efforts to help those in need in
    their community? With your new found focus you could then be able to work the extra 10 hours and
    repay that donation ten times over?
    5. Please show my post to your family because it seems to me that they really want you to be lazy by
    refusing to cover the first three months of your medicine. Your family could be very jealous of your
    success even at 30 hours per week, suffer from ADHD themselves and be in denial, or perhaps be too old
    to adapt to changes in their life.

    in reply to: Financial mess and shame #51342

    June 14, 2017

    Dear Sir,

    1. Q. “why have I done this, fear, shame, madness, I honestly don’t get it? And I don’t know how to tell her, cant do anymore broken hearts.”
    A. “I’m a 50 year old male that discovered I had ADD at 46 when my son was diagnosed.”

    In sum, you were just diagnosed 4 years ago. This diagnosis is a very tough pill to swallow! You did not choose to have ADHD. You did not choose to lose your job. You did your very best under extreme conditions, but you still have time if you act today! If medication is recommended the sooner you start your drug trial the better because in my case it took me 3 years to find the correct dosage level while going through a very trying divorce. Because you are still married you will likely learn what works ten times as fast!

    2. Q. “I will try and sit with your advise and take it in.”
    A. Actually, I strongly recommend that you immediately react to my advice to save what you have. So if your family doctor recommends medication then ask him/her for an “immediate” referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and get into his/her office by the end of this week on an “emergency” basis. Bring a printout of your article and the comment section with you, plus the financial documents, and ask the psychiatrist to start with the best version of the medication” you will need. Take only the “name brand” because the way the pill is glued together will disperse better than the cheaper generic version. (Source was a psychologist with an expert knowledge in kids with ADHD and she herself had ADHD as well.) Your goal right now is to be able to fight a forest fire with the absolute best equipment until the forest fire is out.

    3. Q. “I’m really struggling with the fact I am in this situation again in life, waiting for impending doom.”
    A. “I’m a 50 year old male that discovered I had ADD at 46 when my son was diagnosed.”

    – Please do not wait, but react and immediately see the recommended professionals.
    – What I am trying to tell you is simply this:
    – Before you were diagnosed at age 46 you adapted as best you could.
    – Today your doctor has just given you a “second chance” at a better life.
    – But, unless you do something “today” you will not have the opportunity to find out:
    (a) that your wife really loves you;
    (b) that your wife will honor her marriage vows, in “sickness” and in “health”;
    (c) that every caring ADHD adult wants both of you to succeed in your hour of need to create a much better future for yourselves and your son;
    (d) this is most important that “you were not to blame” for the financial mess you are in at this moment,
    but if you “stall” on this especially after I have shared significant life experience with you I will have failed to save a caring husband and father!
    – Acting on my recommendations will take a ton of courage under very trying circumstances.
    – I am going to make an assumption here and give you an idea of where you can get a job today. I am going to assume that your health is still good. So find out immediately what you need to do from your doctor or psychiatrist, then take the minimum courses to become an entry level laborer job and get even a day laborer job to get cash coming into your bank account. Second, immediately speak to a counselor about your financial situation and get an immediate referral from him/her to the appropriate professional to deal with your credit card debt and mortgage debt.
    – Your ADHD combined with the immediate treatment will give you the absolute best tools to deal with this crisis, but if you stall you will prevent your wife from helping
    the man she loves in “your” hour of need.

    4. Q.”And I don’t know how to tell her, can’t do anymore broken hearts. … it feels like their is someone else that takes over and screws my life. Im not avoiding responsibility, Im just saying its not me. The real me is horrified and cant bear it. I don’t know what takes over me and then I have to lie and avoid and deny to survive what I have done. How do I phrase this to my wife?”

    A. No problem, just bring her with you to the family doctor and other professionals and “they” will explain to her that you are not faking your difficulties, that she needs to immediately understand your situation and provide the maximum support to you in “your hour of need”, that if she chooses to act that the whole family wins. She can also ask me questions through this forum or off-forum by asking the moderator to send your email address to me which I give consent to do by this post.

    Example: If your wife was just diagnosed with diabetes would you tell her to eat all the desserts she wants or would you work with her doctor to “immediately” modify her diet, get the insulin she needs, and provide moral support until her blood sugar level is stabilized. If she does not get the appropriate medical care she will become blind and ….

    Your situation is no different! You need to immediately find the appropriate treatment and she needs to provide as much support as possible. The reason I recommended a labor job is because many people don’t like to be outside in tough weather situations, but if you do not have the education to get a professional job then it is the easiest way to get back to work. If you tell me what city you live in and the education you have I can probably recommend jobs you could look at. If you have any friends now is the time to call on every favor to get immediately back to work. Call in every favor you can from your immediate family, siblings, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, even the mailman. When the crisis is over take them out for an amazing meal. Tomorrow they could need your help and they will know that they can count on you because they were there to help in your hour of need.

    NB: In my hour of need my immediate family and parents “refused” to accept the diagnosis and because of that in my hour of need they abandoned me. Perhaps you are part of a loving family and will not have to suffer on your own. Despite the hell I went through on my own the medication I was given “saved” me and today I am remarried in my own home, my kids have their own families, own homes, good careers, because I got the “help I needed”. To clarify this matter even more, my former wife learned the hard way that the ADHD I suffer from “combined” with the medication resulted in me obtaining sole custody of my kids! It was the same ADHD that she refused to accept that gave me the ability to keep at it under very trying circumstances that those who do not suffer from ADHD would have given up years before. Had she loved me the same ADHD combined with the medication would have allowed her to not need to be in the major financial mess she is in today! My only debt today is my mortgage. In her case today a large mortgage, a vehicle lease, massive house rent, two young high needs children from a failed second relationship, failing health, a job she “must work at” that she hates, a weight gain in excess of 80 lbs, and a “stress level” ten times worse than before my diagnosis!

    5. Please act and get the medical care you need by the end of this week. In my case, the effect of the medication I was given was so dramatic that it was as if I had been blind my entire life and then I could see for the first time. The treatment you will receive will help you get a job, will help you deal with your credit card debts and mortgage debt, and will help you with your social skills. This last part is really important because my former associates took advantage of my situation and I had no clue at all that they were doing that. Today the medication protects me and does not allow others who wish to be mean to me in a subtle way to get away with it!

    6. Please take the next step even thou you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will need an element of faith to do this. You have more going for you than you realize and I pray that this post gives you the hope you need to take the next step with your wife at your side.

    7. What you do today will not only help you, but it will also give major relief for your wife, because remember your son was “also” diagnosed with ADHD. A lot of her energy will be focused on helping him succeed. Now is your opportunity to teach your son what he needs to do to never be in the situation you are today. You have just saved him probably 30 years of suffering and your efforts today will ensure that he can follow all his dreams because he was given the “medical” help he was needed.

    8. I hope you take that medical help today and by the end of this year have got a good handle on all of your financial problems! Remember you still have 15 years of work available to you today!

    in reply to: Financial mess and shame #51305

    JuUne 13, 2017
    Dear Sir,
    1. Please immediately speak to the doctor who diagnosed you and if he/she recommends some form of medication, please buy it and take it as prescribed even if you do not have the money, because for some the medication will help you to think better. If you live in a community with free counseling please immediately speak to that counselor if
    he/she has experience dealing with adults with ADHD if for nothing else to vent about the lost years, job loss, money problems today. Please note if medication is recommended be “ready” for a major change in the way you think, much like the movie “Limitless” . For me I had no warning like I have just given to you and because of that I made a big mistake by pointing out to my now former wife things that she wasn’t doing right. As you can guess, she didn’t like that one bit. Personally, I think she took advantage of my ADHD to be cruel to me and years later I am much happier since we divorced.

    2. Perhaps this one “free” easy to read and very interesting book will help you? Richest Man in Babylon,
    My prayers are with you and your family. If your wife has decided to stay with you “even after” your thinking has improved then work with the counselor and her to get a new job and arrange your financial affairs. Quoting D. Michael Abrashoff, former commander, USS Benfold, “problems” do not get better with time! Work hand in hand with your family doctor, psychiatrist, counselor, and your wife as fast as you can and you may still save everything.

    3. Please show this email to your wife so that she will know that other ADHD husbands are rooting for you, your wife, and your family.

    4. NB: my username is what my classmates used to call me in elementary/middle school. I wish I knew then what I know now.

    5. I pray you still have time to save your family which you must dearly love to have had the courage to ask for help in a public forum.

    6. One final thought, you may meet family members and friends who will “deny that you suffer from ADHD” likely out of fear or “guilt”. Forget wasting even a second on trying to change their thinking. I know this from the reaction of my parents and siblings to my wasted hours trying to do this to no avail. Put all of your energy into finding your new job and by your success, your wife and you will become a model for your son of what can happen when two people who love each other work together to solve a life problem that every couple experiences.

    7. God bless you and your family.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by stunned.
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