My Forum Comments
Thanks Penny and Loli
He has had 5 days of medication and we can both already see a difference! So excited that this may help. He says he’s not getting nearly as stressed out driving and he’s a lot more settled and patient in my eyes. Looks like a good decision so far 🤞
I’m sorry you’re having a downer. It’s only natural that recovery of your marriage will take an undulating course. The fact you are reflecting on arguments shows progress I’m sure. Does your wife know the heroic effort you are putting in? It’s easy to fall back into old styles of arguing. You ask if all arguments are your fault. The answer would have to be of course not! Both parties should be working on this. I know my husband and I are trying to develop a new way of relating. We too are having little slips but so far so good with quick recovery. This morning He was in a doom and gloom mood. Coronavirus is end of world, stock market falling, his stomach doesn’t feel good after last nights meal, his shirt has shrunk, son not getting enough shifts at work blah blah blah. I was probably my usual see the positive side, easygoing, we can only control so much self.Well that’s how I felt, not how he interprets. In any case he all of a sudden gave me his angry face and aggressively and threateningly said I’m negating him again and he’s told me before not to do it. I immediately get a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling myself watch what you say, not quite knowing how to react to defuse. Questioning I must be so annoying with my perspective and how can he think I’m having a go, quite the opposite! I remind myself to keep my guard up. Thankfully he left and sent me an I love you text shortly after. We discussed a bit and he agreed we need to meet in middle He is not anywhere near your level of introspection but somewhat improved
You seem unsure of how you should react etc. funny this is the life of your wife. The walking on egg shells thing. I think it can only mean you have more awareness and are thinking of things from her perspective. Do you guys talk about it and your feelings? I know even when happy my husband can be a bit too much for me. Boisterous is the word I think. I am cslmer, quieter (probably why we match tbh)
I think yes tone it down a bit but stay living and present. Relationships are hard!! Keep debriefing 😊
I mean RT ..not JT (sorry usually I have better attention to detail 😄)
You should definitely do it JT! And if she’s agreeable to getaway apart from the usual stiff you could do some unexpected jobs (finishing them to completion of course 😆)
Cleaning out and organising cupboards, changing the sheets or weeding a garden bed for example. Her mind will be blown by your ability to look and see what needs to be done! Neat and tidy on return essential, preferably with a cup of tea ready ☕️
You are totally on the right track mate. Keep up the good work 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
I have often fantasised about leaving the house and all it’s demands to my husbands management while I go away somewhere quiet clean and organised for a few weeks haha!! I would think maybe he’ll appreciate me now!!The only thing stopping me has been the thought of the horrific chaos I would come back to and be expected to deal with!!!
Something I’ve noticed on these forum discussions is that many with ADHD seem to have been married a long time. This is likely testament to the true, loyal and loving person they are between emotional storms. This means a huge amount. Your wife has stayed with you this long. I bet she is feeling cautiously excited about the recognition and insight you have
You’ve made the biggest step, stay focused and aware
My husband has RSD, perhaps not as extreme as yours periblue but same pattern. Like a split personality for sure. Arguments are often based around his perception that I’m “having a go” at him. The most benign comments he will interpret that way out of the blue. Telling him to “calm down” is enough or suggesting a solution to a problem he is venting about. The rages are so unpredictable and doesn’t matter what I say or do everything escalates it. Many times I’ve left the house either walking or driving to escape. Unfortunately he is usually still raging on my return and sometimes tries to follow me but less so now. Once years ago he disengaged the battery on my car so I couldn’t drive it!
Once because I didn’t rush fast enough for a bus after a great night out at a show (I was organising our 3 dawdling kids while he rushed ahead through the crowd) he was so angry we missed the bus that angrily reprimanded me in public and then he threw a drink on me!! Many passers by said nothing btw. The irony was buses were every 15mins so who even cares!!
It’s scary and challenging but then we have weeks usually months of harmony getting on fine
I’m only just getting him to see this is a possibility in him (25 years married) We are trying to work on it…we’ll I am reminding him to work on it, read about RSD and ultimately get help
RSD is certainly real
If he could address his RSD Our marriage would be near perfect! (Apart from the mess and constant losing of things haha but I can deal with that)
Jay. Being aware of it you are more than 50% on the way to controlling it. Work hard at it so it doesn’t affect your future employment and relationships. I think it’s totally manageable esp with the right therapist. If you feel the rage building leave the situation or do some exercise or write in a diary until you calm down You can do it
I had my first appt regarding this issue. I idiotically found it hard to talk without crying. The doc I saw didn’t know much about adhd but gave me name of a psychologist that I will pursue. I find it hard to open up and although she was very nice she didn’t push me for details and when I volunteered there was no real further prompting rather just advice he needs to seek help.She didn’t seem particularly interested which I guess is understandable I know he does need to find help but I just need to talk about it a bit. Not sure why I was so teary…prob the first time I’ve talked to an a real human being about the issues. I didn’t even really get much out about it at all but I guess that’s what the psychologist is for. Not sure what’s wrong with me, I’m almost regretting telling someone, why do I feel I have to handle everything on my own!! Why couldn’t I just speak about it without the embarrassing torrent of tears. I suppose it will be better with psychologist Anyway don’t really know what I’m saying but thanks for the support. You guys can’t see my tears and have to read all the details (or not) haha. Anonymously it’s easier. On an up note we’ve had a good week. Those between times are just fine! The mess drives me a bit mad but I can cope with that. I’m going to try and get hubby to talk about it more between meltdowns. He has to stay alert to it!!
Hope you’re all going well
You sound so much further along than my husband. You give me hope!!
You have so much insight
We had a bit of a setback. I don’t want to bore you but feel a need to debrief. Sun 20 we had a bit of a flip flop!!
Tuesday night hubby was helping 13 with his maths. It was a bit heated as son was resisting but we remained united as far as I thought. The only potentially offensive thing I said was when son ran to his room angry and yelling that hubby would be better handling that behaviour because he himself has obviously feels similar at times
Although there was no sign I’d said anything wrong at the time
Anyway evening wrapped up we all went to bed
Next morning hubby up getting ready and starts yelling at me out of blue, woke me up to say “where do u get off treating me the way you did last night. I said “im sorry you feel that way” while racking my brains trying to think of what I had said that was so terrible. He says what a cop out statement. He’s been ruminating all night on how horrible I was.As usual I could not get a word in but was called despicable and he’s sick of me undermining him. I can deal with son 100% now he won’t be helping. I said the code phrase we worked out together in calmer times in an effort to tell him to stop..he mocked it. I asked him to lower his voice he said he’ll speak how he wants. He pushed and pushed me to say I was deliberately insulting him. He could not give me any examples Because it’s “not a court of law” I apologised for above statement the only thing I could think of that could be it! He yells wrong answer goodbye
He left for work. I’m left just feeling so devastated it’s happening again so soon
Soon after I got the first text ..this is it
It is a simple question did you point out flaws in my character, did you make mention that I have got some issues in the workplace and did you say over and over again have some insight? If so highly inappropriate when dealing with (son)
None of it’s true!! We had a war of words over the morning. I told him I loved him and this was RSD
Here is more of what I am faced with
If there is no recognition that what happened last night was avoidable and if you cannot see that arguing with me about who I am or what I have done in the past is terrible for helping (son) then we are going to have a major issues forever more. If you cannot accept that what you did is wrong than I really have nothing to talk to you about it work on. I am so utterly stunned that you are acting in this manner.
You are choosing our marriage over not accepting you did something you shouldn’t have. That you acted like a bully and you are not at all helping Son? Is this what you want. 30 years of relationship and 25 years of marriage because you are so arrogant you can’t accept some else’s point of view because it doesn’t match up with your infallible memory. Can I ask you to really think of the answer
Then when I got this one
You have ended out marriage out it pure arrogance
I went along with it..asked him to think about next step. I’m crying because it’s over. I’ve booked appt with counsellor (for me which I did)
A bit of silence and he tried to call but I wouldn’t answer
Then texts of apology
Ending with this
I sorry I didn’t recognise my anger
This morning. I😍
Of course I forgive immediately but do not forget! He’s been sweet and apologetic since
Do I have to actually leave to stop this!!!
JT if there’s one thing you can do it is keep reminding your wife you are aware and working on it even in good times. We need reassurance it won’t happen again because always shocked again and again
Thanks for listening &your balanced counsel. I so wish you could talk to him but he’s nowhere near ready to be on a forum let alone that I am. I’m scared he may stumble on this thread and recognise himself because I don’t think the reaction would be positive
You are doing fantastic, your wife must be so thrilled. If she’s like me all will be forgiven in a heartbeat if there is true change
Yes I have often got “you think your so perfect” when trying to discuss in the past and “you’re the one that needs counselling, so controlling”
It particularly irks me when he’s calmed down and trying to resolve things but insisting I take half the blame because it “takes two to argue”.Ahh so frustrating and off the mark. I have been close to leaving but it seems such a waste because we are so good together in many ways, same future goals and thoughts about kids politics etc, still physical attraction…his actions have been pushing me away. I’ve told him he is abusing me and the children emotionally. It’s just we have good times between and can be a year or more between the bad rages but then can have a few in a roW. Volatile and unpredictable. If he can just control the rages I could cope with the rest 🤞
Thanks, I will keep it in mind
Nah I don’t think so…he doesn’t lose touch with reality just super sensitive to perceived slights. No bizarre delusions or hallucinations There is truth in what he gets upset about but just overreacts so much. I call him paranoid when he says I’m having a go at him too and want him to just feel strong about our relationship. It all fits with RSD. He’s not paranoid in the true sense of the word
Hi again Sun20
You answered my post struggling marriage and I’ve just found yours. Wow we do have similar experiences! I read somewhere that ADHD patients find weed quite stabilising to their mood so maybe that’s why he’s attracted to it (similar situation here but not excessive, well hidden from family and no pressure on me, sometimes I think it does actually help calm him down)
The rages are out of control explosive and totally unreasonable aren’t they!really scary and feel so unfair and unjust! My kids are older we only have one left at school but they all still live at home. Does your husband have a kind side, obviously he must have for you to have married him? That’s the only thing that has kept me going all these years but recently reaching the tipping point! Mine is much worse when he has work stress. Every place he’s worked at he has someone who’s “out to get him” or “undermining him” or something!! Then when he very agitatedly debriefs with me after work (never mind about my busy day🙄) unless I fully agree with his paranoid version of events and fan the flames, I’m “not supportive” or “negating everything he says”….I’m a positive glass half full, always trying to find a solution kind of person
Anyway finally he seems to now be taking a bit of responsibility, hope he doesn’t flip flop!! It might be because his father died last year, they were close and he was loyal but my father in law was a very authoritative man. Maybe that’s freed him a bit but who knows
I don’t really have any advice other than to say you are not alone!! Hang in there and keep talking x
Thankyou everyone for your replies. It really helps to honestly talk about the situation with people. I think you have all given me the confidence to really push hubby on this and he is responding well so far. I’ve always been wary of triggering an episode but I think the whole situation has become obviously a problem to us both that we must if we are to survive. Looking back I recognise the more resentful I have become the more I have subtly pushed back (which then further triggered RSD) but thanks for the nudge to take it further. I’m am very conscious that usually he is good and reasonable and time will tell. The next time he’s truly stressed or feeling overwhelmed will be the test but so far so good. (Although no talk of professional counselling yet 😬 …at least we are having open and honest dialogue)
Thanks S5 for your perspective on the ADHD partner making their own organisation plans. I suggested this and hubby is now putting an alarm on his phone to remind him he has the oven on or has left hoses on watering. It’s a start I have considered narcissism many times before and for a while thought this was it but it doesn’t fit as not consistent really and he does usually show empathy. ADHD is a much better match and especially the RSD.
I really appreciate your words obvious. I am trying to be kind even tempered and understanding. It’s easy while he’s trying, I’m really hoping that continues
Sun20 Thankyou! You sound like you are in a very similar situation, have you separated and do u have kids? How long have you been together? I’ll be interested to hear how you go. Is your husband getting help Wow it’s amazing and freeing to connect with others who have been through similar. I have opened up to one friend but spared a few details (haven’t spared anything in my original post) She was very supportive and said she thought he could be a “hot head” …it’s true, he cannot hide his feelings from anyone. I always tell him to show people his kind side which is so lovely and not to ruin it with a sharp word in a moment of impatience or something
Anyway I think it’s easier opening up to strangers so thanks and good luck to you all keep sharing xx
Hows it going? Have you made any changes and how is your wife going?
We have had a fabulous week. My husband and I discussed ADHD and in particular rejection sensitivity dysphoria which rings true for us both
He has reacted a few times aggressively and defensively, but fairly quickly retracted and apologised. He has cried and shown real insight. I am so thrilled he is recognising the effect of his ways on our family and really hope it lasts. Our eldest son (20) is having some counselling, he has anxiety partially because of the effects his fathers outbursts has had on him over the years
Hoping you and your wife are doing well. Im here to talk if you need.. from her perspective