My Forum Comments
September 11, 2020 at 6:29 pm in reply to: Marriage Heading into Separation before Diagnosed with ADHD #183485
Thank you! You nailed it.September 11, 2020 at 2:43 pm in reply to: Marriage Heading into Separation before Diagnosed with ADHD #183468
I hope it helps to know, you are not alone. I am 58 and have been married 32yrs, barely. I knew it marriage was in trouble, but I never expected her to personally hand me divorce papers. I once again begged and pleaded with her for ANOTHER chance. After countless tears, we decided to remain married for financial and insurance reasons as long as I moved out. I began to seek out a therapist for me, as I had always promised to but never did. Just as I was about to put a binder on a house, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I think you know the feeling. I couldn’t wait to share this with my wife. After years of pain I put her through, she was not as excited. Fast forward, I never moved out, I have a wonderful therapist who is not afraid to tell it to me straight, and I work at being a better husband and person. It’s not always easy. I do not take medication due to work regulations, but take my therapy very seriously. I feel truly blessed that my wife has given me ANOTHER chance.
As far as advice, own it,100 percent, and seek a therapist. I spent many years hurting my wife and marriage. I wish I had discovered it at year 3 instead of 30. I wish you both the best of luck. Make sure you read posts from spouses. It is an eye opener. Also share all of this with your wife. Keep posting.September 7, 2020 at 11:49 am in reply to: Would it be helpful for a successful 40YO to be diagnosed with ADHD?! #183215
I was diagnosed last year at 57. I will tell you from experience, that it made life both easier, and harder. Easier in that I finally had an explanation for all those times throughout my life that I felt different others. Why it was harder for me to learn, remember, act appropriately. It truly eased my mind. The biggest, “Ah Ha” moment in my life.
Harder, in that, now I must try to rediscover and redifine myself. Being careful not to change who I am. I am not on medication for my ADHD, but take my therapy very seriously. I still struggle with the”changes” I need to make, but it has made a tremendous difference in my life. Not everyone is willing to accept that they have ADHD. I’m glad I did.
Might I suggest next time, simply ask her,”How should I dress?”. Let yourself be surprised. It’s so much better than arguing and ruining the day. Been there.
I want to thank you for sharing the helpguide article(link). Recently diagnosed at 57, I have been been looking for the perfect, all inclusive article just like this to share with my wife of 32 years. It helps to explain the struggles and pain we have been experiencing for many years now. I am seeing a therapist for my ADHD which is helping me to understand who I am and provide me with the tools to manage my newly discovered self. One of which has been ADDitudemag.com. It has explained so much for me.
Before I start to ramble on, I want to thank you again for the information
I always try to focus on the end result of any task or project. I do a lot of home improvements and even the smallest project can seem overwhelming. So I concentrate on the end result then breakdown the task into smaller “tasks”. All the while remembering the feeling of accomplishment when it’s done. It’s not always that easy but it helps to get me into the hyperfocus. Hope that helps. It’s always more enjoyable to drive/ride in a clean well running vehicle. Good luck!
Thank you both for your responses. They help tremendously. Hope, you asked if I talk about my feelings. Not very much. I have always been afraid of being misunderstood. I also have a tendency to ramble which can cloud what I am trying to convey. This usually ends in an argument. Until last night. I figured, what do I have to lose?. I basically repeated what I had posted yesterday, and for the first time in a long time, I could tell she knew what I was saying was from the heart. She was extremely understanding and encouraged me to keep moving forward at a realistic pace. Great advice. We had a very nice evening together after that.
Like you said Mr Obvious, start changing the habits and the achievement of goals will follow. Thank you both.
I will definitely approach the subject when the time is right. It may be too soon right now.
I went to therapy last night and always feel great afterwards. So I’m not sure why I’m feeling a little apprehensive today. Maybe I’m afraid the “joy of discovery” feeling is fading and I have to come back down to earth at some point. They say people don’t change. How do I change who I have been for now than 50yrs? How long will it take? Will it take? Patience is not one of my strong points, lol. Sorry, with all the questions running through my head, I’m just feeling a little down today. I tell myself I can do this. I want to do this. Can I? I know it won’t be as easy as I’m telling myself it will. I know it will take time. I know I have to keep moving forward.I keep wishing I had “woken up” years earlier.
We had a little argument last night. Nothing major. No screaming and yelling. Just your basic disagreement, and I was left wondering if all the arguments will be my fault. Am I saying or doing the right thing, the wrong thing? I do ask, but I wonder if I still come across as condescending. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I really try to express that. Maybe she’s still weary about all this. I can’t blame her. I think I may be pushing too hard. Forcing her to accept the new me. I should probably take it down a notch. Give her time to adjust. I would appreciate your thoughts? I have re-read my posts and am left questioning.I seen to be going a mile a minute. Thanks in advance.
Hope, I love your idea! Ok, maybe a”few weeks” is a bit extreme, but why not a long weekend. I think I will suggest that to my wife. Lord knows she deserves it. I could keep a daily log of my activities. Hourly, if need be. Upon her return, if she decides to, lol, we could openly review the log. It may help both of us. Thank you for the idea!
Adele, You are correct, acceptance and ownership is key for the ADHD/ADD sufferer and their spouse or significant other. I have discovered this recently and now truly believe there is hope. I hope I can find my”system” as well.
What an amazing step forward you have taken. How I hope your husband realizes this and follows your lead, before you can’t take it anymore. You haven’t done anything wrong. You didn’t sign up for this, and neither did he. Please don’t beat yourself up. After years of placing blame on my wife,I now try to reassure her it wasn’t her fault. It was mine, unknowingly
Unfortunately, there are many Drs who are not educated enough on the subject of ADHD, to properly administer therapy, for those with ADHD or the spouse of an ADHD person. Getting help is paramount. Finding the right therapist is the hard part. Don’t give up. The tears become therapeutic and cleansing instead of embarrassing when you are comfortable with your therapist.
You asked,”Why do I feel like I have to handle everything on my own?”. It’s because we force you to. I say I can do the day to day tasks required to run a household. “Stop treating me like a baby.”,”Just let me do it”,”You don’t like the way I do it”,etc,etc. In reality, we both know the laundry would pile up, the bills would be late, or forgotten all together, and dinner would be a question of “what are we ordering tonight?”, at least in my case. I can’t put together a complete meal and now I know why. You are our safety net. We have come to rely exclusively on you. We think you will always be there for us. You took a vow. That’s not fair. You don’t deserve that. Then the day you tell us your are leaving (divorce). As I’ve stated, that’s when I woke up and sight help for me, for us. Now I am more honest letting my wife know what I’m feeling and thinking. I used to fear her “criticism” and “not understanding”. It has helped to avoid the explosive arguments.
I am trying like hell to rebuild my marriage from the ground up, with honesty, therapy and communication. And if I fail,I will hold no resentment towards my wife as I can now honestly look back and realize I have put her through more pain than anyone should ever have to.
Keep moving forward!
First of all you never bore me, instead, you inspire me to keep moving forward. My heart goes out to you. The rages can be very cruel. I believe we have them to keep the focus off of ourselves. We feel justified that it is not us. However, I know I never felt in my heart, what was coming out of my mouth. Hell, most of the time, I never even remembered what I had said by the next day. We really believe you will always be there and never leave us. Then the remorse, the apologies, you know the rest. Then there are the two or three, maybe more, wonderful weeks that follow. We get comfortable and confident all is well. And it begins all over again. How I wish I could help you and Sun20. I have never been this passionate about anything. I wish I could get thru to others in denial. They have no idea how much better it is to deal with it. They have no idea that you WILL leave at some point. And the apologies, tears and promises won’t work anymore. And remember, YOU are not to blame.
Be well and take care of yourself. Please keep posting. It helps!
I would have to say that being served with divorce papers was my first wake up call. For about a week after, I was very quiet. We didn’t talk much. I couldn’t, or, wouldn’t. I was playing the roll of the victim, again. The weapy eyes, the apologies, the promises, again. At some point,we began to talk about finances and insurance. If we divorced, she would lose her health insurance. It’s through my job. I didn’t want that to happen, truly. I agreed to move out regardless. She dropped the divorce, and I never moved out. She felt duped, again. I promised to see a therapist,again. That finally happened. However, the first one just kept saying, “uh huh, uh huh”. The second, took my side and made me feel vindicated. Not what I needed. The third was too young and single and could not relate to my issues at all. At that point, almost a year had past, and we were no better off. We were very close to purchasing a second home for me. This was now becoming too real. Knowing I finally had to do something, I did extensive research for a therapist. One who specialized in the areas my wife had always insisted I explore. My first visit I was given three pages of questions to answer. Second visit, I have a diagnosis of ADHD. I was devistated,scared, and amazingly overwhelmed with relief. Almost to the point of joy. Finally answers! My therapist suggested ADDitudemag.com. It was this website that “woke me up”! Reading posts from you,Hope,and so many others. You were all talking about ME. Now knowing all the pain and damage I have inflicted over 32 years of marriage, was more than I could handle. It was not about me anymore. No more blaming. No more being defensive all the time. No more hurtful words. No more yelling and screaming. I HAD to change. I so look forward to my therapy sessions. Finding the right therapist is key. Don’t give up until you find, the one. It really helps me to talk about it. Can’t you tell? Lol
My wife has been cautiously understanding at this point, of my new found self discovery and awareness. I can’t say I blame her. All I can do is ask for her patience, again. There are no guarantees I won’t slip up from time to time. I try to be aware of signs of trouble ahead and then remind myself I have ADHD. This helps me to stop and think first. I do not want to be the man using it as an excuse, but the one who owns it, understands it, and can learn from it. I want to be able to show my wife I really do love her and care about her. Not just words. I don’t know why this does not come easy for me. Hopefully therapy will help with that.
I cannot thank you enough for your posts. They have opened my eyes and heart.
When talking to your husband about all this, make sure it is when you are both calm and communicating well. I was always most receptive in my apologetic, remorseful, promising the world stage. Softness and kindness helped me. It’s so easy for “US” to feel attacked. I know it’s not easy and can turn on a dime.
Now what? How do I begin to rebuild the relationship I have destoyed? I cannot expect her to be there with open arms saying “it’s okay, I still love you”,….again.
Sun20 & Hope,
I am brought to tears reading both of your posts knowing that your pain is the torture I have put my wife through for YEARS. How I wish I could get through to your husbands. I am in my 50s, and cannot express the regret I have for not recognizing my ADHD sooner. I commend you both for your courage and strength. What your husbands don’t realize, is that you have a breaking point. And once there, it may be too late. I played the “appease the wife” game and even went to a neurologist. He sided with me and said i had marital issues. He was wrong! I have ADHD! They are doing everything I did, and it almost cost me my wife and family. You do not deserve this. I did not know what I was doing either until I was honest with myself and sought help. Once hit in the face with this,there should be no more denying! Life is too short. I feel truly blessed that I am finally seeing myself for who I am and what I have. I am also saddened to see men denying it. I was that guy too. Please, if there is ANYthing I can do or say to them, do not hesitate to ask. Or perhaps, maybe help explain why they do or say what they do. Stay strong and take care of yourselves.
P.S. I forgot to mentioned, she had rescinded the divorce papers.