robynr

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  • in reply to: Lying…when it's obvious #119297
    robynr
    Participant

    Followup: I really like what the other members had to say as well! I lied like crazy as well. It was truly impulsive. Damnmouse has some very good thoughts on that. Just be careful not to get super angry and also, remember she needs your love SO VERY MUCH MORE than your correction. That is the one thing I still struggle with as an adult. Shame stays with me for anything I mess up, even unknowingly. I had to change religion to find one that preaches love and grace on a weekly basis. The culture of my family church growing up was very focused on what others thought of you. Kids with ADHD do not thrive in that kind of environment. My mother did not understand me and gave up trying to which meant she gave up loving me. Never give up on her! Never give up loving her! The fact that you are writing in says you do still love her very much, enough to share your story to get help! This is a very good thing! Kudos!

    in reply to: Lying…when it's obvious #119295
    robynr
    Participant

    I seriously get why you are so frustrated and angry! I have ADHD as an adult and my children have it. It’s just that intense fear of rejection we have that makes it too hard to admit we screwed up. (Side note: In the bathtub incident, isi t possible she didn’t realize she peed in the warm water?)
    What to do about it: If she knew she peed, the best thing to do is say, ‘why did you pee in the water?, then immediately follow that up with ‘let’s drain the water and try again’, even before she has a chance to respond. If you treat it like a huge deal, it will be far harder for her to admit guilt. You are far more likely to get an ‘I’m sorry , Mom’ acting quickly to correct it than to question her. Emphatically questioning her is literally the worst thing you can do (She probably has no answer for that). However, if you you redirect and finish the bath and then, very non-emotionally (no anger, disbelief, frustration) ask her, what happened, she may have an answer. She’s had some time to think about it and you’ve had some time to calm down.
    So what do you do when what they do IS a big deal? Kids with ADHD are incredibly intelligent and self condemning! She will punish herself much more than you can. Do you best to stay calm and trust in the moral values you have already taught her in church or through whatever your belief system is. Just remind her of those values when something happens with a single sentence, not a lecture, and let her stew on it. She will put it all together. She’s old enough to do that now.
    Hope this helps!

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