My Forum Comments
February 16, 2020 at 1:07 pm in reply to: ADHD bf verbally and emotionally abuses long distance gf. Will this change? #142146
I think you already know the answer. No, he will not change. Moving in with him will not improve your relationship. I beg you, do not proceed with this course of action. It’s not just because you would be the one giving up the most, (actually, everything)… Changing every single aspect of your life in order to let him stay comfortable.
This is not just a phase he’s going through, while he adjusts to his medication, or even to his diagnosis. Receiving a diagnosis of adhd is like grieving a death, we go through similar stages of anger, denial, blaming. But we *cannot* linger there in the anger. We must move forward and take responsibility for finding ways to work around the adhd challenges. It’s not easy. But no one can do it for us. This person you’ve described has no intention to do the required work to live with adhd, instead he blames you, his family, the world at large, for his troubles. *But it’s no one’s fault! It simply is.* Until this person realizes that, becomes a grownup, and accepts it, he will continue to abuse you.
This person you’ve described has a lot more going on than just adhd. He tells you not to compare him to your father because he hasn’t struck you. Except emotional abuse also terrorizes, hurts, with scars that last a lifetime. You already know this. And it’s hard to say, but perhaps the reason he’s not struck you is because he and you live in different countries. He can’t reach you, his arms aren’t long enough… If you are walking on eggshells when you’re actually together, and he’s trying to be on his best behavior then, then, no, he wouldn’t have struck you during those brief periods.
Imagine your life, if you go forward. You move to a new country, a new culture, a new way of living, a new language, a new set of rules and laws, a new life. You give up *every* single aspect of your life, and what you know, your security. He gives up nothing. And he’s got no reason to get better, and he even may expect you to rescue him. What’s in it for you? Your children someday? Lots of heartbreak and pain. Nothing that is healthy and good.
Maybe this is more than what you wanted when you wrote. But I think that you already knew all this. Yes, I went through a similar situation 20 years ago, and I got out of it. Thank goodness.
Dr. William Dodson has a webinar that I found to be very helpful, that was the first time I had ever heard about RSD. https://www.additudemag.com/webinar/adhd-symptoms-emotions-motivation/ It’s a free webinar, on demand. While this doesn’t answer your question directly about where to find peer-review literature on RSD, he talks quite a bit about why we don’t otherwise hear or read of this. My God, this explains so much of my emotional pain over the last 25 years (actually, my whole life). There is treatment, he describes that, too. I’ve found that becoming aware of it has already helped me tremendously (though of course I backslide.)
Best of luck — ~ Rita
I have both ADD and narcolepsy as well. What a combination. Both make it very hard to get anything done. With my head nodding in the afternoon, starting around 3pm, I would lose the ability to think of anything except my pillow. My ADD often keeps my brain running in circles (and also, add an earworm, some song I know allll the words to, that goes round and round!) The best thing that has helped me, is to be sure I give myself at least 8-9 hours of sleep every night. (No, not 7-8, because that always slips down to 6-7.) Figure out what time you need to get up, then get to bed at a time that will give you at least 9 hours of sleep. I think that we wake up hard sometimes (or all the time) because we’re trying to wake at the wrong spot in the sleep cycle. So the fix is to try to reset that sleep cycle. Sleep is far too important to just put off (I’m telling this to myself, too, because I need to hear and re-hear it.) We with ADD don’t have the luxury of just getting by on, oh, 6 or 7 hours a night ought to do it. Because it never does, not for us. Our best medicine is sleep. I’m just realizing now… maybe a good gift for myself is an automatic feeder, to keep the cat from climbing all over us both at 5:30am every day! Turn off the screens by 8pm, plan your next day, count your blessings, read a book, and go to bed.
Today, I’ve just begun taking Adderall instead of Ritalin, or actually, instead of methylphenidate. I was taking two 20mg SR doses of methylphenidate a day, a.m. and p.m., to avoid the post-med come-down in the afternoon. We’re hoping the Adderall may actually work better for me, and not drop me in a sleepy puddle mid-day.
Best of luck to you!
It seems to me you’ve made a choice, but are unsure how to follow through now. You want to move forward to a new positive life for yourself and children, a life you can all enjoy, where you’re not walking on eggshells all the time, with every moment thinking about how someone will react, and perhaps how violently. Will it be ok this time? How bad will it be this time? You can wait until he stabilizes, but he hasn’t done so in 21 years. He very likely won’t. Even on meds to manage all the brain-chemical issues – his psyche is already programed to react without thinking, his way of seeing the world. You need out of this. There has to be an attorney whose handled these sorts of cases, who can give you options for seeing to his care, while you reclaim your life and your kids’ lives, away from his influence, so that you can decide your next step – and what you want your new life to look like. I’m praying to the universe for you, because the universe doesn’t want anyone to be in this state. Negative only begets negative. I wish you the best. ~ CatMa