My Forum Comments
Yes, the meds can be triggering this problem. The meds alter your brain function. If you are noticing that you are not doing these things anymore, you are more aware than most, so good for you. If you don’t like the way Wellbutrin is affecting you, then try a different med. IT can take quite some time to find the right med. If you feel as though this one is stripping you of what makes you, you, then it might be time to speak to your Dr again. Also, if you are that aware that you are not doing these things, then why aren’t you doing them? Play your music, dance with your kids, even when you don’t feel like it. It’s the best mood booster around. Make time to do the things you love.
Just curious, how is your anxiety? Could that be a problem? Perhaps more so than the depression?
If you’re quitting things just as you are starting to get good at them, why? Boredom? Fear?
You are obviously very intelligent and have many skills. Play to your strengths. What’s the common thread?
LP, forgive yourself. We can forgive others far more easily than we can forgive ourselves. I beat myself up over accepting this behavior as well. We get so lost in these relationships and wonder where the hell the “real” us disappeared to. We get lost in life, everyday responsibilities as a wife, a mother, a sister, a professional, whatever! We get so wrapped up in doing, and forget that “being” is crucial to our existence. Forgive yourself, and know that you only had the best intentions for yourself and your family. You can’t change what happened, but you can learn from it and move forward with greater strength, knowledge and understanding. Celebrate your strength and fortitude. You have endured what so many could not. Fill your heart and soul with that inner strength and understanding. Own your power and use it, to heal yourself and be all that you were meant to be in this world. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and understanding!August 25, 2017 at 9:14 am in reply to: Im ADHD and in need of romance and affection from my wife #58891
Have you ever asked her what love means to her? How she needs to feel loved? What she needs from you, to feel loved? If you have never felt that from her, there is probably a deep-rooted reason why. She may love you deeply, but she may not know how to show you. This may be her blueprint for what love looks like, due to her upbringing or past experiences. Love might even equal pain to her in her mind, that physically giving/showing love scares her to death. We all want to feel connection and love with our partners, but we want it on our terms. When somebody doesn’t give it to us on our terms, it becomes a problem and we put up walls to keep from being hurt. Communication is crucial, and that can be so difficult for an ADHDer. It can be difficult for their partner as well who feels neglected and as though their attempts at communication were never validated. Maybe your wife has communication problems as well. IF discussing this openly is too difficult, write it down. For years, the only way that I could get my husband to hear me, was to write him letters telling him how I felt, and then it opened the door for discussion.
Can you focus on helping your wife heal, rather than thinking about sex? Maybe the intimacy can return even faster, if you make her the priority and not your sex drive.
You may feel as though you may not have a wife until years from now, but that’s not a fact, it’s an assumption. What is a fact, is that she has been through some very difficult times with you, and she’s still there doing her best. You want her to step up and be there for you! Have you been there for her all these years? It is a two way street. She is broken in ways you cannot understand and all you can think about is sex? I get it, that’s how you need to feel love, and of course the dopamine rush that ADDers crave. How does she need to feel loved by you? Ask her. For women, it’s more about other small acts of kindness that show us that we are loved. Ask her what she needs. IF you continue to mention sex right now, she will feel like nothing more than a piece of meat, that sex is all you want. Value and appreciate her for the wonderful woman that she is. It takes a strong and devoted woman to survive this kind of relationship. You have been her focus until now. It’s your turn to step up, make her YOUR focus and give her what she needs. She can’t pour from an empty cup, and right now, she’s empty.
Keep focusing on your own healing and managing your ADD correctly. It took years to get where you are, and it can’t be rebuilt in a week. Exercising is one of the best ways to manage your ADD. At least 30 minutes 5 days a week. The more you do, the better! Meditation is another good thing. Even 10 minutes is beneficial. Try the Calm app. Build on your own strengths right now. Show her that you are committed and that you can be trusted to take responsibility for your ADD and your responsibilities as a partner and all that it entails. Sorry, but you need to prove it to her and to yourself.
Remember, we all have control of our thoughts. If you need to create new thoughts and patterns, then now is a good time to start. I also hope that you are seeing a therapist with ADHD relationship experience. IT is crucial that they understand this dynamic.
Best of luck.
I became a Life Coach after going through this myself years ago. I healed, and now I help others do the same. Stay positive and strong. You got this!
First, may I say that I’m impressed by your level of commitment to helping your wife and saving your marriage. Owning one’s diagnosis and managing it to the best of your ability is a huge first step. I admire your courage for taking responsibility for your ADHD. Keep up the good work and stay committed to it. You owe that to yourself and those you love. Taking a pill is only part of the picture. It’s not a one stop solution.
I am the wife of an ADHDer, so I understand how your wife feels. It can be a very dark place. You cannot change the past, so holding on to old guilt solves nothing and keeps you stuck. Let it go. Focusing on it will only send you further into a tailspin. Right now in your relationship, it’s about her, not you. Put your fears aside and be there for her in whatever way she needs you to be. She needs to know that you are capable of being the man that she married, and I’m sure you can do it. She needs to feel your strength, see it, and start to trust you and herself again. We get lost in a world of anger and resentment and it is difficult to let go of, because it has become a way of life, of survival. I pulled myself out, and she can too. We all need to know that our feelings are valid, that we are loved and appreciated. Self care is huge for her right now. Just keep loving her, the way that SHE needs to be loved. Listen, and ask for nothing in return as she heals. She will open up when she’s ready.
Instead of focusing on all of the things that you “think” are going wrong, focus on all of the things that are going right. Focus on the solutions and not the problem. IT might just open your eyes to some creative alternatives for building that bond again. Build on the positives and keep moving forward.
If you find yourself trapped in negative thoughts, come up with a tool to change them. Get up and walk around your desk. Stand up straight and tall and breathe deeply for 10 seconds. You have the power to change your thoughts in a split second, it just takes committed and sustained effort. Don’t give up. You can do it!
Best of luck!