My Forum Comments
First, please know you’re not alone. I completely identify with being a parent with a child who has a hard time with social cues.
Have you spoken to your son to find out what gave him that indication? I find that with my son I cannot assume that he should have known the cues. You may have to help him to break down each part of the actions to see if you can help guide him.
It’s very easy in kids with ADHD to have challenges with Executive Functioning which is part of what manages these social skills in neurotypical children. Here’s a link that you can start with that may lead to other ideas for you: Executive Functioning.
If you can afford it, I would suggest getting your own evaluation done. Though some schools are great, they are also dealing with a large number of students with needs and sometimes cannot be as thorough as a private evaluation can be.
Hope this helps!
I agree with velcro. Also, since many fidget products are most helpful in school or even work, ones that allow for interaction without any noise are great. Think about items that a child/adult can push, pull, click (without the click) and use without others noticing. Think small too! Something that can fit in a pocket without huge bulges, something that can fit in a small hand to a larger hand without it being noticed…
Hope this helps!
ADD or not, the young man was very clear in his intentions. When you told him you wanted more, he said that he couldn’t give it. It sounds like you’re on two different pages. The problem is that you continue pursuing him, your feelings will only grow deeper and you’ll wind up hurt because you are more invested in this than him.
His behaviors are aligned with a person who is not looking for a full relationship.
I would listen to what he said to you when he told you he wasn’t looking for the same thing. If you do want a relationship, I would move on from this guy. Let him know you made a mistake, you do want more, cut the friendship you have with him and look for someone who is looking for the same things as you are.
What a great idea to keep a list! How funny and cute. It’s helpful to hear others stories about their positives too, will help me to open my eyes. 🙂
I’ve read through all the responses and can identify with so much. I can’t help but to wonder though–is the judgement that many of you have shared around ADHD or is it just what people do?
Before we knew my son had ADHD, I felt the judgement too. Whether it was comments about how strict I was, or if my son would act out and I would get the stares… it was judgement. Hell, I’ll be honest enough to say that even before I became a parent I was a judgmental a** of parents. I distinctly remember seeing a young child or maybe 1 or 2 smack their mother and I turned to my then-fiance and told him I’d never allow that to happen. Well fast forward years later when something similar happened and though I did provide an immediate boundary, it’s not like it didn’t happen.
My point here is that people are going to judge you no matter what “it” is that they’re judging over. They will judge you on the cars you drive, the houses you own, the things you have or don’t have. They’ll judge you on your looks, your color, your religion or your lack thereof. But who is it that gives them the power? We do. If we allow anyone like that to creep into our head space and take up our valuable time, then it may be helpful for us to recognize that and to not give them that power over us.
I’ve also learned during this journey that everyone has their own burden to bear. It’s easy for me to “judge back” because the person I’m looking at must not understand what I’m going through with me and my child. And they may not. But they may have their own burden of unhappiness, medical issues, divorces, etc. I’ve also learned from a very early age (raised in a house with a bi-polar depressive) that people have an extremely hard time grasping anything they cannot see. Mental illness, ADHD, even the hidden aspects of non neurotypical conditions like Tourette Syndrome, OCD, anxiety, even drug or alcohol addiction etc. — most people cannot fathom what living with these things mean. Heck, I had 40+ years of hands on training and sometimes I scratch my head and wonder why someone can’t just “change.” Then I catch myself and remind myself of what I know. But the point is, it’s not an easy concept to grasp unless you’ve had experience with it.
When it comes to living with and learning how to help my child who is managing a few conditions, I keep reminding myself (and my husband which I’m sure he loves lol) that we can’t control others reactions, only our own. To that end, we do not share our struggles with everyone. We keep those conversations to people like yourselves or to very close, trusted friends who even though they may not understand it all, they listen with loving ears and don’t judge. I also try to take anything anyone says as a grain of salt. I give them a “thanks for your opinion” and I keep moving. I treat it like they just told me they don’t like my shoes… oh well! It’s their issue, not mine.
I only share this because I can feel the struggle some of you are going through. And trust me, we are going through many too so I don’t want this to sound preachy or anything along those lines. But WE are in control of the power we give anyone. I’ve stopped trying to make any non-essential people understand the issues we’re living with and instead try to focus on advocating to the essential people such as teachers, administration, caregivers so they understand. Everyone else can go take a long walk off a short pier.
The challenges we face are prominent in our mind and we are very in-tune to them. Have compassion for those who don’t understand because I can guarantee you–at some point in their life, they are going to be smacked with that lesson on some level. I’ve seen it too many times to not believe it.
I hope this comes across the way I’m intending it too. On no level is it meant to be a negative to anyone or any thoughts. Just sharing my thoughts based on what I’ve learned so far. Next year, hell next month my thoughts might be very different!
I think your idea is a great one. Have you reached out directly to the editors of Attitude to request it or has the posts just been on here? I wonder if there’s not a lot for the younger crowd because of legal issues. As an over-18er I take the interactions here into my own hands and if something were to occur, I couldn’t hold the site legally responsible. With younger people, the liability might be there. Just shooting in the dark. You have me thinking! 🙂
It’s fabulous to see a young person such as yourself wants to connect and grow a community. I would definitely reach out via phone or email to anyone you can find listed on this site and see if that can get you some answers.December 9, 2017 at 7:40 am in reply to: Challenges at school with a parent.. Can someone do this? #70123
Let me start with this disclaimer: I am not a lawyer nor do I know the law on the level a lawyer would. With that being said…
I do have experience with restraining orders and from what I’ve always understood, there’s a burden of proof that must be met by the filer. There has to be evidence to show that the aggressor is putting the filer in harm’s way and that there’s a level of abuse occurring. My other understanding is that police reports must first be filed. A lot of the criteria to be met may depend on the state you live in.
Again, not a lawyer but I cannot see any reputable judge entertaining a one-time situation for an order of restraint.
Has your son ever had any interaction with this girl? I find it odd that after a one-time incident they would have this reaction, unless there’s a history there that you don’t know about. Maybe their daughter was a victim of bullying at some point and it has made them super sensitive to any and all incidents.
I hesitate at this next portion because this advice could either go great or really turn south quickly: Have you tried talking with the parents, even with the administration there? Have you apologized to them for what happened? You don’t have to divulge your son’s history or medical records, but sometimes an acknowledgment of wrong doing helps. Though we know our children and we understand many of the reasons “why” they do what they do, their behavior sometimes negatively impacts others and that needs to be held accountable. (I’ve been in so many embarrassing situations saying “sorry” I’ve lost count.)
The positive here is that it sounds like this administration is on the ball and is in support of your son. That’s a great change from the previous one! I bet the principal will be able to help calm the waters again, but if you suspect things are starting to escalate, I would get a lawyer so your interests are protected as well. Right now though, I suspect (though can’t guarantee) that the parents are talking out of frustration and a desire to protect their child which is understandable.
Hope this helps!
I concur on getting evaluated, so won’t speak to that portion of your post but one thing you said calls out to me. I can understand drinking as an escape, especially after what you describe. Of you feel your drinking is out of hand, definitely seek help for it. A lot of times drinking makes up for coping mechanisms we don’t have, but at the end of the day it only winds up hurting you.
Aside from looking into getting a proper diagnosis, I would definitely look into help with finding new coping skills that will not cause you harm.
I hope this helps… please keep us posted on your progress.
Thank you for your insight. Hearing from people with personal experiences is such a help. I suspect there is something with high pain tolerance and ADHD, however interesting this morning I found an article about pain sensitivity with ADHD. Maybe there’s a few variations with this.
Since you seem to experience similar to what my son is, but can articulate much better–may I ask: Is there anything that would help “remind” you when you shouldn’t be walking on an injury? I am trying to find the secret key into my son’s mind so that we can help him keep this info at the front and not file it away too deeply!
Cara: I’m in the process of trying to find the “right” person to do so. Since it looks like you’re in the field based on your signature line, do you have any advice as to what type of doctor we should be looking for? Should it be a clinical psychologist or just a psychologist or a psychiatrist? I’m hesitant with certain titles because we don’t want to go down the path of medication unless absolutely necessary.
Thank you to everyone who has responded thus far. Hearing perspectives from the parents of children with ADHD as well as those who live with ADHD themselves is SO helpful. It really is helping to shape my understanding and give me some tools and techniques to use.
I can’t begin to articulate how wonderful it is to know that all of you understand.
As a parent, I worry so much as to how to help him through life and help him gain coping mechanisms that will help him now and beyond. As an adult, a lot of what he shares with me brings up a lot of my own frustrations when I was a child and was given only a minimal amount of support in these areas. Almost like the blind leading the blind…
Hearing from all of you is a huge help. I can’t thank everyone enough! Thank you!!!
I understand the ticking time clock, I do. Here’s hope though: I was 35 when I got married. 36 when I had my first child, 39 (one month shy of 40) with my second child. Marriage doesn’t fix issues, it just exacerbate any pre-existing issues. Having ADHD is one thing and there’s nothing wrong it. If you were marrying a person who accepted his issues whether they be ADHD or something else and was willing to work on those issues would be one thing. But you’re not. You’re looking at marrying a person who is in denial about his ADHD or any other issues he may be facing. You didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, you can’t control it.
Getting married to a person because he may be the only option based on where you’re at in age is not an option. Marriage takes a lot of work and compromise. It takes the ability for a person to honestly assess themselves, look at the needs of their spouse and recognize if their behavior is helping or hurting. It takes two whole people, not one person working for two.
Looking at an impending marriage should not give you feelings of exhaustion. This should be the period where you’re excited and looking forward to the future. Take his ADHD out of this and take the possible guilt out of leaving a person because their ADHD has been allowed to take it over. If you’re truly honest with yourself, is this something you’re ready to take on? Is this a person you could truly build a life with?
Keep in mind that life can be hard. In the years I’ve been married to my husband, we’ve faced children that were sick beyond your normal colds and such, hospitalizations, job loss, finding out we have a child who has ADHD along with Tourette Syndrome, lifelong illnesses that I have to manage and many other things. We are not perfect, far from it but the two of us are whole individuals who are willing to work on things together and for the common goal of our marriage and our children. Is this gentleman you are engaged to someone that you can truly take on all of lifes ups and downs with? Anyone who is yelling at you and not treating you as you deserve is not someone who will be able to give you the support you need for a combined life.
Personally, if we were friends I would strongly advise you to not go through with the wedding. You already have a feeling this is not going to work. Trust your instincts. The BIGGEST mistake we make in life is not listening to our gut feelings. Your gut is talking. Trust it.
Trust your instincts. If something is telling you that he’s not like “typical” 4.5 year olds, follow that voice. Have you talked to his pediatrician about your concerns? If the pediatrician isn’t giving you what you need, then go to the next step and talk to a psychologist who’s well-versed in ADHD and associated conditions. Have you checked out the links on this site? Look under “Symptom Tests & Info” there are self checkers such as https://www.additudemag.com/category/understand-conditions/symptom-tests/ and others… use the resources here.
The best piece of advice I could give you is to not lose any more time. I suspected something was up with my son when he was little and was always told that I was looking for issues that weren’t there. Fast forward a few years later and my son has been diagnosed with a few co-existing conditions. You know your child the best, so listen to that voice that’s telling you something’s up.
The good news is that if there is something going on, you’re finding out early and early intervention is great.
Keep us posted!November 7, 2017 at 9:15 pm in reply to: Artficial Insemination to avoid ADHD in children from ADHD husband. #67635
Here’s something else to consider: The sperm donor may wind up having many conditions that he is unaware of, one of which could be ADHD. You may wind up getting exactly what you’re trying to avoid. There is no one better to work with a child with ADHD than a parent who has it. Don’t sell yourself short and don’t give an option to a future wife who’s not asking.
Pump2Duncan: I don’t have much to add past what others here have shared, but I wanted to take a moment to give you support. While I can’t speak to meds, I can completely identify with the ups and downs of what you’re describing. Sometimes it feels like an emotional roller coaster that I never bought a ticket for!
You are doing a great job at being flexible to allow for the advice and input from trusted resources. You’re watching your child and adjusting accordingly. You’re actively engaged in his life and looking for the positive. I know it’s challenging, but I see so many positives from what you’re sharing here. Please remind yourself of that when you’re at your wits end.
I also wanted to add one other thing–you mentioned early on that maybe you shouldn’t have gotten your migraine prevention medications because of the impact they may have to your budget. Please keep in mind that old adage of taking care of yourself and making sure you’re ok otherwise you cannot take care of others. You need to be whole. As a fellow migraine sufferer, there is no way you’ll be able to manage your child if your head is crushing in on itself. As they say in the plane, first put your oxygen mask on and then assist others. ;o)
I applaud you. It’s not an easy road but you are truly navigating it well!