Phillipa60

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  • in reply to: Does your ADD spouse full acknowledge the ADD? #126898
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your lovely response, Chris, it really helps to get input from others in similar situations!
    I think the loneliness is one of the hardest things for me.
    I feel like I invest so much in energy in trying to cover for him and it leaves me so drained.
    Thanks again!
    P

    in reply to: Does your ADD spouse full acknowledge the ADD? #126845
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Sorry, typo in title line, that should be “fully” not “full” acknowledge the ADD….

    in reply to: Husband just officially diagnosed (at 67) #119423
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Hi Lindsay, thanks for your latest response, I received it via e-mail but cannot see it here….
    Anyway I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your support.

    We were at the psychiatrist this morning and have an agreed plan: increasing dosage of Wellbutrin to 300mg, adding high dose of Omega3, and he will take a mild tranquilizer whenever we are with the grandkids (I find this incredibly sad and hard to accept but it is what it is and something had to change….. yesterday he took one and was PERFECT with the kids).

    Wishing everyone calm days – Phil

    in reply to: Husband just officially diagnosed (at 67) #119201
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    As I just posted over on another thread, the calmer times came to a very abrupt ending last night when H had a massive anger outburst towards our grandchild #2 (age 7). Now my daughter doesn’t want the kids to sleep over at our place, I understand her although it’s a massive loss for me.
    H really needs serious treatment – he is such a bad place.
    I opened up to both our adult kids about it, told them everything (they witnessed the scene last night) and it feels a bit better to have unburdened myself, although I feel bad for discussing H with them.
    Holding all of this secret from families and friends is so hard and makes me feel incredibly lonely.
    This site is great – thank you for reading
    P

    in reply to: Outbursts of Anger #119192
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    It never ceases to amaze me when things like this happen… I came onto the site just now to start a post about H’s anger outburst last night and find this thread at the top of the list in the forum…. wow!
    I have just read the whole thread and find so many common areas with what I am going through.
    I am sending my love and support to all.
    Specifically what happened last night is that we had the extended family over, including our 3 grandkids (10, 7, 5) so as usual it was crazy, noisy and boisterous. I love it but H simply cannot deal with it – I guess this is part of the ADHD, right?
    So he retreats into his study to chill (which I encourage…) but without me noticing (I am constantly watching, trying to prevent the issues, but obviously this doesn’t work all the time!) GK #2 (aged 7) went into the study and started provoking H, taking his favorite pen away, teasing and mocking him, and (apparently) eventually threw the pen down. Not nice behavior, but he’s a KID. Next thing we see, child is in the lounge and H runs in after him screaming and literally JUMPS ON THE LIVING ROOM TABLE and grabs the child’s arm, screaming at him….
    The whole room went silent, everyone was shocked, I was mortified….
    Our daughter took the child outside and asked him what happened and here’s what he said “I wanted to get grandfather angry, to get all the bad parts out of him so that he will be calm and a nice person” (words to that effect).
    H quickly calmed down but the rest of the evening was a mess and I am just completely fed up with dealing with this shit all the time. The grandkids are a huge and important part of my life and I cannot see how to get through this.
    My daughter is saying she wants to stop him from spending time with all 3 of them together, and maybe even separately (he was supposed to be with the kids tomorrow while I am working and now she says she doesn’t feel comfortable leaving him alone with them).
    I am at my wit’s end.
    I think he needs medication to stay calm and we are seeing the psyc on Tuesday so will see what he says.
    Excuse the vent and post hijack but it felt relevant enough to the topic to share.
    All and any suggestions are very welcome.
    Phillipa

    in reply to: Husband just officially diagnosed (at 67) #118840
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Hi All, I wanted to get back to you with an update. We went back to the ADHD specialist psychiatrist and this time it went quite well. The doctor is suggesting increasing H’s dose of Welbutrin from 150mg daily, maybe up to 300 daily, and in addition Omega3 in a very high dose. Apparently 2,000 EPA per day shows excellent results in both depression and ADHD. H is keener on this approach than on trying stimulants.
    We are seeing his regular psychiatrist next week (the ADHD specialist has written him a letter with his findings) and we will then see what he decides. H is also taking a “TOVA” test – I think it stands for test of variable attention, to give a baseline of his focus and attention before the dosage changes.
    I’d be very interested in others’ views.
    Things are a little calmer at the moment although I am learning not to ask him to do things that I know stress him (like spending more than minimal time with our 3 grandkids).. not sure it’s the right approach but it seems to be working for us.
    Wishing everyone a lovely weekend
    Phillipa60

    in reply to: Husband just officially diagnosed (at 67) #117135
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Hi Lindsay, thanks for your support, reading your reply was very helpful.
    H is already on Wellbutrin, has been for many years. And he’s up and down with the depression and now I realize he has always had the ADHD so it hasn’t helped (although who knows how much worse it might be without….?)
    We have an appointment for the pysc in a couple of weeks, his regular one, who is not ADHD-savvy, so not sure how much that will help. He is treating him only for the depression and now he also has insomnia, says he cannot breathe at night (but he’s had all the physical tests around and all is fine so I am pretty sure it’s a pysc issue…).
    Then in a couple of weeks we are going back to the ADHD specialist psyc and we will see what he suggests.
    H is very “anti” about it all at the moment and I am reaching the end of my tether.
    Sometimes I really feel like giving up on him (but I won’t).
    Thanks for all the encouragement – reading and posting here really helps 🙂
    Phillipa

    in reply to: Husband just officially diagnosed (at 67) #117044
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Thank you SO much for your very encouraging post!
    I also think it’s a good thing but H is very down.
    He had a big breakdown earlier and then wrote me a letter which is an easier way for him to communicate than talking when he is in this kind of a slump – it was very moving so read about his feelings and how “f****ed up” (his words) he feels.
    I have already done a ton of reading – unfortunately he is not willing to.
    The problem is that I have so much on my plate with work (practically full time) and taking care of everything around here that it’s hard to find the time (and patience…. I admit it) to carry on being supportive day in day out.
    Sometimes I feel like screaming!!
    I will keep checking in – writing and reading about others’ situations is really helpful
    Thanks a lot
    P60

    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Hell no, I wouldn’t. It’s only now, at age 60, that I finally realize how I’ve short-changed my life in basically being married to an over-grown child. I long for a mature relationship, for a partner who I don’t have to constantly worry about what will he say or do next, what crisis will we end up in?
    Even when things are relatively calm, it’s a constant routine of forgetting things, me reminding him or picking up the slack.
    It has led to a marriage where there is no real respect, no physical attraction.
    All of that being said he is most definitely not a bad person, on the contrary.
    I stay because of a deep sense of commitment to him, to our marriage, to our extended family.
    I could no more leave him than I could cut off my right arm.
    But I am so unhappy, so sad, lonely and angry, way too much of the time.
    Undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, in my experience, simply takes too much out of a relationship
    Phillipa

    in reply to: My Fight: An Open Letter to an ADHD Specialist #113870
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Waiting till January really does sound impossible in your situation.
    I would strongly recommend finding a way to the doctor, maybe through the admin in his office, and plead your case.
    There are always cancellations and I would guess you could find an earlier slot.
    I feel for you, it is incredibly hard, I know.
    We have an appointment for May and I am anxiously waiting confirmation of what I am 99.9% sure is long undiagnosed ADHD in my H.
    Stay strong!
    Phillipa

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by Phillipa60.
    in reply to: Looking back on my whole marriage #113324
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Hi, I am pleased to update that H has now scheduled a full assessment to see if he has ADHD! Imagine – at age 67….
    I am very happy that he is willing to do this and at the same time I can’t help thinking about how much time we’ve wasted.
    I will continue to update – the appointment isn’t until mid-May and the final one is early June (it’s 3 appointments in all).
    Wishing you all a lovely weekend
    Phil

    in reply to: Looking back on my whole marriage #113162
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Thanks again for responding, this site is really helping with my chronic loneliness.
    This is not something I have (nor will) discuss with anyone.
    Disappointing news is that husband had psychiatrist appointment today and asked him about ADHD but the psyc said it’s not his field!???! I am so disappointed.
    He did give H a name to try but now let’s see if H does anything about it – unlikely.
    I am holding back on my instinct which would be to step in and make an appointment…

    Other than that I am feeling very very sad and dismayed at the life I’ve had with H and how perhaps an early diagnosis could have changed everything….
    Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been a bad life, but wow, how we’ve struggled 🙁
    Thank you all for your inputs and support
    Phil

    in reply to: Looking back on my whole marriage #113009
    Phillipa60
    Participant

    Hello and thank you so much for taking the time to reply and share your experiences. It does sound like we have a lot in common and I really appreciate your suggestions.
    I am the main breadwinner in our house and have been for some time, this causes many additional stresses and resentments on my part and leaves me stressed out and exhausted most of the time.
    I have zero interest in sex with him because of the anger and resentment and feeling of mothering him.
    I read Melissa Orlov’s book and highlighted practically every paragraph – it felt like the book was telling my life story.
    Do any of your kids have ADHD?
    My husband’s depression has been a big issue at times – at the moment it is under control with Welbutrin thank goodness.
    Take care and thanks again for sharing
    Phillipa

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)