My Forum Comments
Be careful what you wish for. LOL. My husband over texts me to the point that it is constantly interrupting me at work. And if he can’t get me to respond right away(because I’m WORKING), then he calls or emails. But I have also noticed that it comes in phases. He will do this for months at a time and then it will stop. What I have noticed, is that when it stops, it is because he is then going through a month’s stretch of texting his brother non-stop, or a new friend from work. It’s almost as if he realizes that his constant hyper texting is too much, so it’s as if he is trying to spread it around as to not wear out his welcome. But I think it’s more along the lines of novelty. I think the novelty wears off in the ADHD brain, so they then stop texting you and move onto anyone else they can text until the novelty wears off again.Then they rotate to a different friend, etc.
I have no idea if I am correct on my interpretation of the texting behaviors of ADHD. But I just noticed that if he finally listens to me(after much begging on my part) and quits texting me at work, that it’s almost seems like it’s a compulsion to him and he then has to text somebody else non stop. But he also is not on any medication yet. I wonder if your girlfriend’s texting habits change if she forgets to take medication, perhaps? Coincidentally, like you, I also am an extreme introvert and suffer from anxiety. And trying to interpret and make sense of the behaviors of someone with ADHD will practically put you into a panic attack. You find yourself sitting there, going over and over in your head, trying to figure out what you did to contribute to their change in behavior towards you. Don’t go there, it will just make you feel nuts. LOL. At one point, I actually found myself reading books on Navy Seals mind control so that I could learn meditation and mind calming techniques because my husband’s behavior was constantly not making sense to me. Other people’s posts in this forum have shown me that all that anxiety over it, was for nothing, since 99% of these types of behaviors have nothing to do with us, or anything we did wrong.November 27, 2018 at 10:33 am in reply to: Is this ADHD or did I marry a manipulative con artist? #104471
You all took so much time and thought to provide such helpful, insightful and heartfelt responses that I am overwhelmed with gratitude. This was a very long 4 day holiday weekend to spend with an angry spouse but as each of your posts came into my email, it provided me with strength, hope and many thoughts to consider. After reading each of your posts, my thinking felt clearer and I didn’t feel so confused. Things are making more sense when I consider all of your comments. I see now what you mean when I ask myself “ADHD or no ADHD, regardless of my spouses personal issues, why am I allowing myself to be treated poorly and used. And why do I think his needs are so much more important than my own, to the extent that I am being depleted”? Good questions that I have been thinking about now.
I have been helping him so much, and walking on eggshells so much, that you are all so right… this IS abuse. How did I not see it? He keeps portraying himself as helpless and stating that he needs me to help him with all this, while he sits in front of the tv and I am running ragged. I realized that I had even changed my career path in order to be constantly available for him. So, with this realization, I started looking at new jobs this weekend, that would pay more and get me out of this financial hole, and I got excited when I found one tailored to my resume. I told him about it and he told me 50 reasons why it was a dumb idea that wouldn’t work. All I heard when he did that, was the post comments that you all had typed. I SAW the abuse right then and there. All of his reasons, were things that pertained to how a new job would affect him. Not a word about how it would be better for me, or our finances. I don’t think I would have seen this as abusive last week, prior to all of your input.
You all also helped me to lessen the immense daily guilt that I felt. You are right, I am not the person responsible or qualified to fix him. I can help, but only to the extent that it doesn’t take over my own life and my own needs. Thank you, I feel like I got permission to take care of myself. And the fact that I needed to hear that, and get permission in order to not feel guilty,is something else I need to look further into. But in the short term, hearing all of you saying it, has given me immense peace and has alleviated so much pain that I felt daily. I feel excited to think about how I can protect myself from his issues and begin to set up my own life. He will either improve by getting his own help or not. But I realize that I have been practically a prisoner, and I need to stop that right now. I can’t thank you enough for all of your points of view, I don’t feel so constantly confused anymore. Thank you.November 27, 2018 at 9:55 am in reply to: After being perscribed adderall for 10 years. Today my doctor drug tested me. #104460
My first guess would be that this new testing is part of the entire health care system being in the midst of major changes. So that might help to alleviate your anxiety and fears. I suspect that it had nothing to do with you individually. My guess would be that next time you go in, you will need to do the same thing. Or maybe they are now required to do testing once a year or biannually or something. Our country is seeing a major crisis with prescription opiates being abused which then leads some to begin heroin when they can no longer get the prescription. On the other end, our country also has a meth issue and unfortunately, some of those people will try to get prescribed stimulants. And because of that, laws are being changed daily that are beginning to strictly regulate new protocols on how doctors have to follow half a dozen requirements now before they can even write a prescription. It leaves every patient feeling like a drug seeker. I even felt like one the last time I needed a prescription for an antibiotic! Antibiotics are now all over the news the last decade as the cause of super bugs so now you have to pull teeth and do testing just to get an antibiotic that you need. When before, you just simply called up your doctors nurse and she phoned in the prescription. So, I suspect that everyone that goes to your same doctor/clinic is now facing the same thing that you just had to go through.
You wrote ” I just think the parenting in the relationship will make me unwell. I fell into a major depression going back and forth last winter – it literally consumed me to the point I sought out a therapist – and it’s sad because it’s not like it’s his fault he is forgetful or clumsy or his family has been rude. I’m the type of person though that doesn’t want to give-in when I have such a great connection with someone.”
Listen to your gut instinct. It will never steer you wrong. Where we go wrong, is when we start to second guess ourselves and feel guilty about putting what WE need above what those around us need. Some people call that being an “empath”. It comes from a traumatic childhood. I know, I’ve been there myself and it feels like you want to help everyone around you. Make the world a better place. But in reality, the depression sets in the moment that you start putting other people’s needs ahead of your own, too often.
Our society still sees depression as a taboo topic, as if it’s a weakness. When in reality, depression is very similar to a headache. A headache is due to either dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, pain due to a physical blow, etc. Well, depression is actually a symptom due to things going on in your life that you are not happy with. We all have to deal with daily things we don’t like, but when the scale starts to tip too far, and you are spending a majority of your day focusing on other’s needs, or being around negative people, etc. Then the depression seeps in. A pill will help it. But it won’t make it go away until you realign how you spend your time.
You said you are in your 20’s. I envy you. I am in my 40’s and fell for a man that loved to go kayaking, camping, hiking, anything that I was interested in. Then I married him and once his hyperfocus ADHD subsided, he confided in me that he really didn’t like those things, but he did them because he wanted to make me happy. Nine years of marriage later and I can’t beg him to do anything I like. I feel duped and tricked into a marriage. If I had only listened to my gut. It was all right there in front of my face while I was dating him. But I made rational excuses for him in my head. I came from an abusive childhood so I was taught to not listen to my gut. Because as a child, your gut tells you to run from your abusive parents, but society tells you and the law says you can’t.
As a similar woman, 20+ years your senior, I can tell you this. The ONLY time I have ever needed to take an antidepressant or see a therapist was when I was in relationships with dysfunctional or abusive men(very typical when coming from an abusive childhood. I urge you to read up on it so you can avoid it. Here is one of the better books on it: The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap ). Any time I was alone or in a relationship with healthy minded people, I thrived and needed no antidepressants or therapy. But I thought I had met a nice, kind man who just had a few quirks. What I know now, is that I personally have a predisposition to depression due to my childhood. And that weakness of mine means that I cannot handle giving too much of myself to help someone else with more issues than my own. I look at it as my own shortcoming, I don’t blame them.
I hope this helps.November 23, 2018 at 4:19 pm in reply to: I feel so left out – it’s like I’m invisible. Any advice please? #104233
I have felt just like you, many times. Until I read a life changing book last year about introverts. After that, I never felt bad again about being more reserved. You sound like a genuine person. A kind person who values quality friendships over quantities of friends. Who values a true connection with people, rather than small talk about the weather. I think the book might make you feel better. It’s probably available at your local library and I think there is also a Ted Talk by the author.It’s titled Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. I hope it will cheer up. Sending hugs to you.