My Forum Comments
I truly understand your frustration. I was diagnosed at age 40 (age 48 now). Mom of 2 boys. House, car and mind always a mess my whole life – always late too! Please know that you are NOT ALONE! Many girls and women have ADHD and CAN cope. Please contact me directly. I belong to a wonderful International Women’s Support group – we chat via What’s App. It’s a small friendly group. Woman of all ages from twenties to retired – with and without children. Email me and I’ll get you in touch with the coordinator. You don’t have to do this alone. Paris in New England, USA. firstname.lastname@example.org
This is a great site to get opinions and lots of information! But definitely go to your doctor for a professional opinion. I was officially diagnosed at age 39 after suffering my entire life – since at least age 5 with procrastination, tardiness, disorganization, “day dreaming”, talking over people, clutter, forgetfulness, etc. My husband put up with it but didn’t understand it. I learned about AdHD all by myself after I left him at age 41. It was devastating and a relief all at once. My kids have it and it’s no big deal to them because it’s normal and talked about in our family and with their doctors and teachers. Don’t be afraid! No matter what your issues are you will feel better once you start to learn more about yourself. You will begin to heal and your family can be there for you. Get help NOW. You can feel pride and joy again. Be the person, husband and father you deserve to be. Good luck to you!
I disagree with J-mf. Staying “for the children” is one of the worst reasons to remain married-ask anyone who has done it. Start taking care of yourself and your 3 innocent children immediately. Christine has major issues that you cannot fix by cleaning up after her or telling her she is beautiful. Getting a housekeeper and laundry service are temporary fixes. They will never help the deep issues. Get into therapy (yourself) immediately. Find a professional who actively talks to you and helps you to resolve issues – not just a listener – you don’t need to vent – you need professional guidance. Christine will always be the mother of your children. They will always love her. I don’t doubt she loves them. But you have to make the decision for them now so she can get help and they can be clean and healthy everyday. Don’t let guilt or social traditions make decisions for you – talk to a professional and look within yourself – ask yourself: Do I want to live exactly like THIS in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? Do I want my children to live like this? Good luck to you and your family. Ask for help and don’t go this alone. People love you – but no one knows you are suffering unless you tell them. Divorced, mom of 2 boys, Lifetime AdD and Severe Anxiety (both diagnosed after age 35)April 21, 2018 at 4:58 pm in reply to: Any hyper girls out here? (Women with ADHD-combined) #82507
I understand every word you say. 47 years old. Mom of 2 (all 3 of us have AdD). I was diagnosed at 39 years old (I urged my doctor to listen to ME). email me…I wish I could take away your pain. I struggle daily (on meds, too). email@example.com
I can at least listen – inside of my head feels like a TV with a broken remote control…stations flipping constantly because I have so many thoughts – even at night when I try to sleep. No one in my life understands. But all of YOU do. Thank goodness.
As far as focusing on the right things (work at work, chores at home, conversations with my children, etc) I have a hard time. My brain is in control. It has the remote and keeps changing the channel of my focus. I know what I HAVE to do SHOULD do MUST do. But my brain doesn’t care. It is like having a devil on each shoulder. No angel at all. They both say: wash the dishes? Nah, that can be done later! Pay a bill? nope! fold laundry? why bother? no one is coming over anyway! This is me on medication – still not focused enough to keep my sh*t together. Especially at home where no one is there to get mad at me or shame me into work. I had two days off from work…spent both in bed – mostly asleep – some Netflix binging. avoiding the world. Where I live it’s still bitter cold and snow is still falling. Summer helps so much but only 3-4 months of that blissful warmth per year just isn’t enough. Sometimes even my hobbies doesn’t give me enough happiness. Just thoughts thoughts thoughts.
OH MY GOSH! I DO THE SAME THING! I totally obsess about people’s personalities or dysfunctions! I want to HUG YOU! I’m not the only one!!! My son has Selective Mutism and when he was diagnosed at age 5 I was devastated and spent nearly a year researching anything I could get my hands on. At the time the internet had little information. He is a chatterbox now (age 13!). Once I figure our “her husband has narcissist personality disorder” or “his son is suffering from social anxiety” I want to tell them!!! Help your family! But I can’t. It’s painful to see children suffer. I wish someone had helped us. But we all have to get through this life on our own. Good think I’m not a Therapist! I’d be obsessed with my patients. The good thing is that I research how to help myself and my son’s (anxiety and AdD) and I’ve learned so much about my childhood – why school was SO difficult. And my boys’ dad is so supportive of all of us. Thank goodness. My boys’ lives are so much better thanks to supportive and kind teachers, family and friends. They will always have to work harder but now we know why and how.
I do like your idea of sharing/sending each other hobby/tools but I must be honest. I won’t do it. I am the worst about follow through with mail. Be it sympathy or birthday cards or paying bills. Auto pay is the best thing! I can’t believe I lived through the PRE-Internet days and survived (1970s child)! ha ha When someone takes the EFFORT to send me a card through land mail I am so touched it brings tears to my eyes. In MY mind and heart it is as kind and thoughtful as any gift. I don’t use Facebook so I don’t send birthday greetings to every person I’ve known for the past 30 years! Also, I don’t know where all of you live. USA? Canada? Elsewhere? But I enjoy reading your comments and ideas. It is such a relief to know I’m not the only one like THIS! I feel less alone. Thank you!!
I am a “half bucket of water” 🙁
I truly understand your feelings.
Dear Alishad002 and Everyone,
47 year old woman, mom of 2 boys – all 3 of us with AdD…ultra focused on a hobby or task for a week or months then crash! DONE with it. All the time. I don’t spend much money on my hobbies though. I’m very cautious because I know this is how I am. Many years ago a 70 year old woman had taken a class to make snow shoes. I said to her “wow, that is a neat class to take!” She told me “most people have one hobby. a long time ago I decided my hobby was trying all different hobbies!” I was 22 years old when she told me that. I thought that was such a great way to live! Always try new things! Why not? Don’t punish yourself. Accept it. Borrow tools or take a class to save money. Be careful about “going all in” so you don’t have a garage full of “regret” – keep your hobbies as positive experiences! Love each new adventure. Rent a kayak, take a cake decorating class, a painting class, learn a language online, watch YouTube videos for awhile…maybe it’s not for you…maybe the IDEA is more exciting?! Have fun. Your mind is full of ideas…set them free!March 20, 2018 at 2:23 pm in reply to: Any hyper girls out here? (Women with ADHD-combined) #79420
I’m so hyper and get bored so easily that I stopped reading your comments (sorry)…I scan things when I’m reading because I want to get to the end. I was diagnosed at age 39 because I begged my doctor to diagnose my insane lifetime of procrastination, tardiness, clutter, non-stop thoughts, talking, etc. When someone is talking to me I’m thinking about what I’m going to say – it’s as if there’s someone inside me raising their hand for the teacher really excited to share. I absolutely hated when my husband used to say “your stories”. They aren’t stories. They are my feelings, thoughts, experiences. I notice everything around me and have to tell someone. I talk to people in line at the store. My parents do it, my brother does it, my grandparents did it and now my older son does it – even though he used to make fun of me! I always thought I just had an outgoing personality. I was confident and thought I was fun. Now I feel like a burden to people and try to keep my thoughts to myself. It is like trying to keep a tea kettle from whistling when the water is hot! Since I was at least 3 years old my mind races at night and I can’t sleep. When I close my eyes with the lights out I still see colors and lights and movement and I can’t stop thinking about my day. I feel like the only person in the world who is like this. My friends and family put up with me because it’s just who I am. There are two kinds of people. Those who like me. Those who don’t. None in between. I accepted that a long time ago. I keep my circle of friends small-keeps the stress down. I also have severe (but treated) anxiety. My ADHD/AdD is treated. I don’t use social media. I think it would make me crazy! ha ha – I love know you are all out there – especially you girls “my age” born in the 70s when boys were called “hyper” and we girls were called “daydreamers” – those were the days, am I right?! I knew I wasn’t daydreaming but no one believed me. I couldn’t explain why I didn’t “hear” they teacher’s instructions. I was polite and quiet back then and like school. Well, now I know – and I’m helping my two boys (ages 13 and 18) to understand who they are with anxiety and AdD and Selective Mutism AND fun personalities!!! I wish we all lived close so we could gab in person – but I supposed we’d talk over one another! I live in New England, USA!
I’m a single mom of 2 boys. All of us have AdD – diagnosed and medicated. I strongly urge you to get officially diagnosed and on a medication your doctor recommends. The diagnosis is as simple as a conversation with your general doctor. When you take a flight the airline attendants say “put your oxygen mask on First, then help others” – This is the same situation. If you don’t take of yourself first and foremost, then you will not be able to be there for your child. Love is a wonderful thing but you must also be healthy and emotionally happy to care for any child but an AdD child needs even more attention. The other great thing about having AdD “together” is that you will be more patient and kind to each other. Your son will understand this isn’t just “a kid thing” or “a boy thing” like people used to believe. It’s okay that we have AdD or AdHD – it is part of who we are but we can still be successful and happy. Trust me, my house is cluttered, my mail is in piles, I’m late for everything and I get frustrated with myself often BUT I know why and ways to help myself and my boys (breaking down tasks into small parts, writing lists, getting school bags/clothes ready the night before, etc.). Life CAN be good – not perfect – but so what!? Your son is lucky that you care enough to ask for help. Don’t try to do this alone. Ask your doctor. If he/she can’t help, move on. Don’t be afraid of a 2nd opinion. Your life and happiness and family are more important than anything else. I wish I could say “let’s have coffee” because I don’t know anyone who struggles like I do – except on sites like this. But I am happy you reached out – this is a great site! Take care and hug your son everyday! You both deserve it! New England Mom
I searched for support groups in my area and had no luck. I tried through a few AdD professionals and MeetUp.com but no luck. I live in Massachusetts but not IN Boston where their might be more support. I heard from one life coach who works on a sliding scale but unfortunately I am like you and live paycheck to paycheck (single mom/no college degree) so I can’t afford anyone who doesn’t take insurance. As it is, my son sees an amazing counselor but he doesn’t take insurance so we pay cash. It’s a lot but worth it for my son to learn coping skills for school and his self esteem (Selective Mutism, AdD). I have a few suggestions just from my own experience…If you haven’t done these things already: Get diagnosed and get on medication. If the first one doesn’t seem to help trust your body/mind and talk to the doctor. Don’t wait 3 or 6 or 12 months (my dr made me wait 3 years before changing and I knew the first month it wasn’t working!). Also, talk to your dr about your anxiety attacks. you can get treatment for those too! Trust me I suffered for 30 years with debilitating anxiety because I didn’t know I could get help. If the meds make you feel “out of touch” or “numb” talk to your dr right away…there are so many options…don’t suffer! You should feel GOOD and be HAPPY. Life can be a wonderful thing if you take care of yourself – it’s not too late! As far as filling out forms or doing taxes…ask for help. Put your pride/ego away and ASK FOR HELP. There are many people (like me, volunteer tax people at your local library, local university, etc.) who WANT to help you – it doesn’t matter if you have 10 university degrees or you are 30, 40, 50 years old or a MAN! If you need help – someone can help you. We aren’t all perfect and we can’t all do everything…that is why the world has: doctors, cashiers, accountants, car mechanics, electricians, teachers, secretaries, FRIENDS – because we, as humans, need each other. Paul, find people who care kind and caring and your life will improve. I promise.
I happen to be from Massachusetts also. I totally concur with Patrishhardy. I was diagnosed at age 39 (now 47) by my general practitioner. If your gp refuses to help you, just ask for another dr in that office. $1200 or any “extra” cost is outrageous and uncalled for. A Nurse Practitioner (who works in a Counseling office as their “med” person) confirmed my diagnosis with just a conversation. I have all the red flags! I know them so well that I can now pick out other adults who have AdD or AdHD too. We are so much alike but many people have no idea because they think it’s a “kid thing” that you outgrow. You don’t outgrow the way your brain works. Get diagnosed by a kind doctor who isn’t trying to rip you off or gouge your insurance. You will be relieved when/if your child starts to show symptoms (my two boys have it too and they struggled in the beginning but are doing much better…all on meds and under the same great doctors!). The sooner you know – the better your life will be (for yourself and your child!). This website is a gold mine of information and wonderful people! I highly recommend this book: Delivered from distraction : getting the most out of life with attention deficit disorder by Dr Edward Hallowell. Good luck to you! Your life is worth asking for a 2nd opinion!
Dear Themodemo, I highly recommend that you and your son take medication for AdD/AdHD if recommended by a doctor. It doesn’t hurt you and doesn’t dull your activity or personality! Insist on meds that work – don’t settle because ONE doctor said so. Trust yourself. You are a mother and you know yourself and your son best! Get a 2nd opinion without apologizing! Avoid people who aren’t supportive! This is your life and your deserve happiness! Mom in Mass.
Dear Themodemo, my two sons (ages 13 & 18) have AdD and I was diagnosed at age 39. I have struggled since I was 5 years old and finally broke down and cried in my doctor’s office at 39 years old begging him to tell me if I had AdD or something else was wrong with me. Growing up as a polite but chatty girl in the 1970s I wasn’t pegged as “hyperactive” like a few boys in my class. I now know that girls often go undiagnosed even today. I urge you to get officially diagnosed in order to know who you are and why your life is the way it is. Remember that if you had a thyroid disease or diabetes (or your son did), you wouldn’t want to ignore it. Any issue that you have that can be improved by counseling, medication and or JUST Knowledge should be taken seriously. This is especially important since your son has it, too. Know that AdD/AdHD is a different way of living and learning but NOT something to hide or be ashamed of. The more you know, the better you and your son will thrive at home, school and work. I believe that you will come to realize that you can improve your life (relationships, career, taking care of your home and especially yourself) even though you feel it is satisfactory. I always believed I was just “broken” – messy, late, forgetful, too talkative – but I have learned that all of these things are part of me for a reason. My father (a school teacher) always said “you are capable but you just don’t try!” But, in fact, I have tried so hard all my life to be a good student, an attentive mother, a valued employee – to no avail in many ways until only recently. I was never taught about ways to study, organize or break tasks down into small steps. With my children I never say “clean your room” “do your homework” or “practice piano for 30 minutes”. I teach them to “put all the legos in this bin” THEN “hang your coat” THEN “put your shirts in the 2nd drawer” OR I body double AT the piano and do a song then my son teaches ME to play – keep your child interested, focused and engaged by helping him feel empowered and to have pride in his accomplishments no matter how small (feed the cat every morning, put his shoes in the same place by the door, read a book for 10 minutes). Set timers for tasks, chores or homework. “I’ll cook dinner while you sit at the table and do your math but when the timer dings, please help me set the table” – this way he (and you) won’t dread the entire math worksheet or ALL the homework. Again, the MORE you learn about yourself (as a child and as an adult) the more you will understand yourself and your son. It will be a great relief to you and please your son to know that you are very much alike and struggle with the same things but ALSO have similar creative minds, fun outgoing chatty personalities and you both will conquer the world! Good luck to you! You are not alone…moms like me understand! Mom in Mass.