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I’m curious to know as well, Bc I have a script for it sitting at the pharmacy that I have yet to pick up because I’m concerned about the side effects.
I don’t know if it’s a thing or not- and maybe this isn’t quite the same but I do know that (especially in conversation), if there’s a problem to solve I’m very engaged. If there’s not it becomes hard to focus and follow the conversation- unless it’s on a topic I find stimulating. I would say that problem solving gives me gratification as well. That’s probably why I spend so much time analyzing my own problems to the death- I’m addicted to solving my ADHD problems. Also, another thing you said struck a cord with me- looking for problems where there isn’t one. I have noticed that I tend to create stimulation (read: opposition.) so I can use adrenaline/dopamine as a way to focus and be productive. Anger can be very powerful in helping me focus and be productive. I know, it sounds messed up but it’s how my brain works. I’m not currently medicated.
Nope, no criticism here! (And I hope you can see that by the responses you’ve already received.)
Also, I feel you. I relate to everything you said- the things you’ve done, the way you feel. Scary accurate, but that should also give you hope. Because after confirming your diagnoses with a professional, instead of constantly feeling like a broken failure- you can begin to realize that you’ve been fighting an invisible enemy the entire time. Then you get to focus on how to turn that enemy into your friend and work together. I’m still working on this- late diagnoses. But I’ve definitely managed to quiet those lies of being dumb, a failure, etc.
Get the appt, go to it, learn about ways to help you manage your weaknesses better and run with it. It’s gonna be ok. It might not feel like it now, but I will get better. Hang in there and know there are safe places to share- this place being one.
You can look up info on Montessori methods… which in my opinion seem to mirror Charolette Mason methods as well- in a nutshell, they’re basically child-led learning: utilizing their natural inquisitiveness and desire to learn to teach them, as well as teaching the whole child (not just academics, but teaching them mentally, emotionally, physically, etc).
Only you know your child best and can really be able to determined if a Montessori academy is a good match- sorry, this forum can’t do that for you. But, I would encourage you to do some research and learn about it for yourself, then decide.
Also, you can definitely find ways of incorporating these methods into your own daily life with him. You are, afterall, his first teacher. This is kinda my take on homeschooling also- I taught my babies how to eat, smile/socialize, crawl, walk, talk, when they were babies- most parents do. And we do this without realizing we are actually teaching them. When I invite them to cook or bake with me, they are getting introduced to lessons in language/reading, math, science, etc and flexing their executive function skills (organizing, planning, task-orientation, working memory, etc).
Basically, don’t underestimate your ability to help your child learn. A Montessori school can be incredible useful, but there are things you- as ‘momma’ can do with your boy to continue to help him learn what he is interested in.
Ugh! I literally just spent half an hour writing a response and now I don’t see my original post at all after I edited it to fix an incorrect word!!
Sorry, you get the cliff notes now. 🙁
I was suggesting to check online and Pinterest for how to teach your son about emotional regulation and recognition. And learning how to develop social skills.
Help him find a hobby he can hyperfocus on, or find a project you two can do together.
At the very least, ignite his imagination and pre-tend play.
I’m sorry this post sucks. My first one was awesome, more detailed and just flat out much more fun than this. I wish I could re-write it in its entirety, but I too have ADHD and actually have been trying to do something else for a while now haha but got swept down the ADHD rabbit hole and Lord knows how I managed to end up on this forum and proceed to spend half an hour on it when I had zero intentions.
Good luck and keep your head up! So long as his familial relationships are strong, he’ll grow to be resilient- and resilience is a crucial character trait to being well adjusted.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I haven’t been in that situation completely, as my daughter is almost 7 and hasn’t yet had the same amount of rejection your boy has so far accrued. 🙁
There’s so much info available online- if you have Pinterest, you can also find info/helps/charts about teaching kids about emotions, self-regulation, social skills, etc. to help him grow his social ability and self-regulation skills. One thing I have found helpful with my ADHDer is role-playing. We have puppets that we role-play emotional situations (imagined or real situations) and we take turns practicing things like sharing, learning how to verbalize what you want/how to express your feelings, what to do when you’re angry, sad, scared, etc.
Also, what about ADHD groups? Find your people! (We just moved and I have yet to find my people). Find local parents with kids with the same issues. Lol It’s so, SO encouraging to be with another Mom who experiences the same things you do- and who doesn’t bat an eyelash at your child when she sees him acting out in ADHD ways. Try looking on Meetup, or check Facebook for ADHD groups.
Last bit of advice, help him find a hobby- or something he can hyperfocus on that excites him- does he like knights and horses? Is he into geology? Drawing/painting? Sports? Science? Building/engineering? Creating? Acting? Cars? Dancing? Bikes? Animals? Is there something he’s shared with you that could be like a project you two (or the family) does together? What about recycling together? You guys can go around and gather recyclables and then turn it in for an ice cream trip! Or what about geocaching? De-cluttering and donating- ADHD kids feel things deeply- and I’ve found them to have such generous hearts. Extend the donating to volunteering together in some way. Basically, what motivates your little guy? Get creative and ignite him with a spark of inspiration and run with it! Even if it sounds outlandish or impossible- do your best to encourage him to be creative and take the lead. If it’s an absolutely unrealistic goal, refrain from ‘no’ but re-frame it through a positive direction- like, if he says “let’s build a tree house!” And right away you think ‘but we can’t afford the wood, nails, tools, etc’ instead of voicing that and turning him down, say something like ‘that would be so fun!! Since we can’t really afford to buy everything we need, how do you think we could get ahold of materials for free? What kinds of things can we use for a roof, wall, door, etc?’ And don’t forget to incorporate your own ideas- try looking for supplies to re-use- Craigslist, salvage yards, stuff people leave beside their trash cans for trash day, etc.
And, if it ultimately turns out to be impossible, like say your boy says he wants to ride a unicorn (yes, I have a daughter haha so this really happened) don’t be so quick to snap him back to reality- daydream with him a bit. No one knows you can really have a pink unicorn to ride on, but everyone can imagine right? Can you imagine how it would feel to have the wind rushing through your hair? To feel fast and free? And what if the unicorn could fly?!?! Wouldn’t flying me amazing? Where would you fly?… etc etc. Taking mental trips can feel just as exhilarating as actually doing the thing you’re imagining about.
I hope that made sense. Lol I kinda wish I were on a flying pink unicorn right now. Anyways, a perk to ADHD is that they can most times be easily re-directed. They get down or sad often, but if you invite them to think a certain way or feel a certain way and you make it fun, they usually hope on board pretty quick.
I def know the struggle. My ADHD kiddo doesn’t sleep well either. She has a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. Even if she goes to bed late she’s still up early.
You have plenty of great advice already, but I’ll still go ahead and share what we do. Some things that have helped us is making sure she gets PLENTY of exercise each day, outside running around and burning off that energy. Time in nature is important, as is exercise. We also try to challenge her mentally each day as well (exhaust the body, exhaust the mind) by encouraging her to engage in some type of learning each day. If you homeschool, you already know how to do this easily- if not, it’s doing anything with her where she’s having fun and learning at the same time. Is she Interested in learning a new language, skill, interest, etc? Or even playing games with her where it feels like a game but she is learning as well. (Sorry if this doesnt make much sense, just ignore it if not). I’m ADD too lol so I feel I’m rambling.
We also have a ‘wake up time. She’s not allowed out of her room until 7:30. If she wakes up early, we have a quiet box with activities she can do quietly, without disturbing others. Most times she falls back asleep without a hitch.
I think you’ve received enough great advice already, so a I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can definitely hear your deep frustrations coming through. It’s been a couple of weeks since you posted, I hope you’ve been able to find hope and direction in this situation.
Someone on these forums mentioned that they listen to Jessica McCabe who has a YouTube channel called How to ADHD. You might find her videos helpful.
Thanks for these. I stumbled across them both before asking. But I couldn’t really glean much as we are a military family, and I’m a stay at home mom who is beginning to homeschool. We also just moved a couple of months ago and had our third baby this Feb. I think with each child Life got progressively harder but with #3, I think I’ve hit the wall with the demand being more than I can compensate for. All that to say, some of these tips weren’t very practical, unfortunately. It’s ok though, I have a doc appt for myself next week and soon I’ll be trying to seek fuller treatment for my oldest and middle.
Quiet and orderly!! Yeeessss! Would you describe your agitation when the house is a mess as it being too ‘loud’? Also, stressed, tired and hungry. I feel you on that one. Are these effects of ADHD or personality issues? I think right now it’s just really easy to feel like I’m exaggerating these issues and really I just have character flaws.
I’m relieved to know I’m not alone. Over-stimulated, overwhelmed- constant fight or flight… that’s my life right now.
Ok so, I didn’t want to leave you stressed out with yet another thing, so I found the website for you: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/step1.htm
It’s a self help process. Of course the BEST thing would be to see a counselor, both for you and your daughter to understand what it’s all about, but I know not everyone has access to those resources or time (or whatever) so this, IMHO, is the next best thing. I hope it helps.June 7, 2018 at 6:36 am in reply to: If you could go back in time and do it all over again, would you? #85701
My two cents is there are certain deal-breakers. My guy is ADD but went the opposite direction in emotional dysregulation- instead of feeling everything intensely, he was emotionally void. You mentioned red flags for me in the way he handles his anger. Granted, he has a disorder that makes it hard for him to manage his emotions, BUT promises are empty unless he’s taking actionable steps to cope with his disadvantage. He won’t change by simply promising to do better. It’s just not something within his control that he can switch on and off- he needs good coping mechanisms/skills.
If I were you and I wanted to keep the relationship, I would make sure I had healthy boundaries in place. I would also be honest about how I care about him, but if the relationship is to progress, I would need to see some changes (i.e. him seeking treatment, meds, coping strats, gaining self-regulation skills, etc) in order to proceed with a relationship. Otherwise it’s friend status. You’re no in so deep that you don’t still have a way to save yourself from the heartache and getting involved with an untreated angry adhd’er is bound to end badly if he doesn’t care to seek out health on his own.
Edited to add that I’m the add’er with anger issues in my relationship, so I’m speaking from experience about the promises to ‘not lose it or say anything mean again’.
June 7, 2018 at 5:54 am in reply to: I'm so confused! My boyfriend hates my ADD but loves me? #85697
- This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by nessy.
That is definitely a challenging situation. I didn’t say impossible, I said challenging- mainly Bc you both have your own issues going on and they’re each agitating the issues in one another. If you want to try to make it work, my advice would be to see a counselor, individually and together to find out about yourselves better and know how you operate and understand how each other operates to be able to find ways to compromise on things.
IMHO, the reason people experience conflict is due to lack of communication (true), but also lack of empathy and taking personal responsibility for ones own shortcomings, while not seeking healthier ways to manage self/compromise.
Basically, it’s a two-way street. Give and take. You can’t be the only one trying to manage your ADD. And you mentioned he drinks a lot- is that His way of ‘treating’ his OCD and depression? That’s not a very effective treatment plan and won’t produce desired results in the long run. Having said that, just because he might not want to get healthier doesn’t mean you can’t make positive changes in your own life. Sometimes one person changing and getting themselves healthy and refusing to participate in those downspiraling cycles is enough to be the catalyst for positive change/growth in the other person. (Huge side-note: You CANT change anyone but yourself. Influence is not the same as manipulation. One comes from a personal choice while another is forced upon.)