My Forum Comments
“I think I am more creative and empathetic than the average bear – I am also more sensitive and prone to unintentional mistakes than most – I suspect many of both the positive and negative aspects of my personality are due to ADHD.”
You just described my wife to a T. She can do amazing things. She creates birthday cakes that would be right at home on one of those baking competition shows. She sews her own renaissance fair clothes (including a hand-made corset) that are honestly better than anything you can buy anywhere. She’s EXTREMELY empathic (so am I) which can be both a blessing and a curse. She’s hired herself out as professional organizer. It can make it all the more maddening to know she has all this talent and ability, but can’t seem to make a dang phone call to schedule an appointment for the kid, despite several reminders. Or why she can’t seem to remember that the kids’ homework is a DAILY think that needs attention.
Thanks. We’ve tried variations on this, but I think I’d like to get back to it. My wife is pretty good about calendaring stuff, but in practice, that doesn’t really seem to help her get on top of stuff that takes multiple steps/days to complete. I suppose I should have mentioned that we also have a two year old in the house, which raises the degree of difficulty on getting anything done without having to start/stop 100 times. I think that is where a lot of the problems come in. She starts on something on her to-do list, gets interrupted, and then forgets to complete it, or loses the momentum towards completing the task and it ends up sitting 1/2 finished.
“The truth is that even when I was doing everything there was STILL chaos – there are things ONLY my husband can do.”
Yes. THIS!!! I’ve begrudgingly come to accept that my life will always involve a significant level of chaos, which is something I really struggle with, and I think a big part of my underlying frustration. I crave peace and calmness, and that just isn’t in the cards for me. No matter how much I do, or try to ‘take off her plate’ to make things more manageable, the chaos never diminishes. Take the dishes example above. If I simply start doing them all the time, she doesn’t then use the extra time she now has to focus on finishing up the other unfinished tasks she has, she starts 3-4 new projects, which then sit 1/2 done for weeks at a time and become a new source of stress.
Thanks for the feedback and empathy, y’all. I almost feel guilty about getting frustrated and posting about it. She is aware of the issues and genuinely desires to do better. I’m 100% positive she is as frustrated with her ADHD as I am. I’m really not trying to beat up on her for something she isn’t fully in control of. In many ways, I’ve come to accept the eccentricities of living in an ADHD household. It’s just the balancing the conflicting needs of not nagging/parenting her, but simultaneously having to be ever vigilant about whether she’s done what she’s agreed to; and then figuring out how to not get resentful about that. Especially when it comes to our kids, and particularly our ADHD daughter. Having ADHD, our daughter is going to be set up for a life full of challenges. I know that as parents, we’re going to have to set up lots of support systems for her to be successful. But I honestly don’t know if my wife is capable of doing that, what with her own ADHD issues. I struggle with feeling like our daughter is being set up for failure, rather than success because the primary caregiver parent isn’t able to provide the support and structure she needs to be a successful kid with ADHD. I so often see the two of them (my wife and daughter) spiraling off each other, letting their ADHD play off each other’s, and I don’t know what to do about that. For instance, kids come home from school, mom hasn’t gotten 1/2 the stuff done in the day she had hoped to, so is frustrated/stressed/unable to focus. Daughter is exhausted from trying to be ‘on’ in school all day as a kid with ADHD and is exhausted. Because mom is still trying to do everything she didn’t get done during the day, she doesn’t start the kid’s routine right away. Daughter is exhausted and counting on routine/going on auto-pilot, so lack of routine sends her into a meltdown. Kid’s meltdown draws mom’s attention away from the tasks she’s already frustrated about not being able to finish, argument ensues, wash, rinse, repeat.
Of course, I know there isn’t a magic bullet or magic phrase to fix all this. If there was, someone would have patented and sold it by now. I just have to figure out how to manage everyone’s needs without completely disregarding my own. Maybe I’ll get that figured out this lifetime. 🙂
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by myADHDlife.