morlov

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  • in reply to: Roles Reversed #58949
    morlov
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    Charlie –
    There are some resources that can help you and your wife understand this better, as well as help you choose the right tactics to start to heal ASAP. I’ve written two books on the topic – the first, The ADHD Effect on Marriage may be the most immediately relevant. In addition, there is a free treatment ebook on my site that can provide you with specifics about how to optimize your treatment to best manage your ADHD symptoms. Go to http://www.ADHDmarriage.com for more details.

    Your wife is worn out, but don’t let that get you down. Now she is waiting to see what progress you make. It’s one thing to be thinking about ADHD – another to be actively trying to manage it. It is in making your behaviors more consistent where you will find the greatest gain with your wife. Most commonly, ADHD partners need to work on these things: managing any explosive anger they may have; following through on tasks that are promised; not over-promising; and paying enough high-quality attention to a partner (affection).

    Two great first steps are to optimize your treatment. This means doing multiple treatment approaches at once in three different ‘legs’ of treatment – i.e. treatments that are physiological and change your brain chemistry, such as exercise, a better sleep routine, and medication (that’s Leg 1). Leg 2 treatments include behavioral shifts – for example, using a calendar or reminders; planning in advance for transition times between tasks; developing a Personal KanBan organizational system. The third leg of treatment is around changing how you interact with your partner. So, for example, you might set up weekly chore meetings; you might develop verbal cues to alert her when you lose track of a conversation; you might learn techniques for ‘good fights’ which help the two of you remain constructive even when you disagree.

    You may worry about your wife’s state of mine, but you don’t have much control over it. However, you DO have control over your own actions. So focus on getting the ADHD symptoms that have most gotten in your way under control. As she sees progress she is likely to find glimmers of hope she did not previously feel.

    Best of luck,
    Melissa Orlov

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