My Forum Comments
You are looking at a very long road indeed. Don’t expect ‘logical’ to ever be a meaningful concept in your interactions. Can you imagine your man being ‘responsible’ for successfully raising your mutual children?
ThePhoenix – I am curious if you’ve actively attempted to routinely get more than eight hours of sleep per night. Getting more sleep is claimed to help manage ADHD symptoms and I wonder about your experience.
BearlyT – You should not expect this to change just because you brought it up. I’ve spent years trying to get my ADHD wife to at least acknowledge my emails or texts but she claims she’ll only respond if they are ‘urgent’. I think its if part of the ADHD symptom: ‘Now’ or ‘Not Now’ (where ‘not now’ means never.
‘… counting down the next 5 years when he can go his own way…’
If it were only that simple. Your son will need your help his entire life. The ’24/7′ commitment will diminish as he can live more independently but you will always remain an absolutely vital support in his life. He will depend on you to be there to help him when times are rough (and with ADHD times are often rough).
I have found multiple scholarly articles under the ‘deficient emotional self-regulation’ term. These describe very similar symptoms as per Rejection Sentitivity Dysphoria.
See Craig B. H. Surman et. al. ‘Understanding deficient emotional self-regulation in adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: a controlled study’ (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4009378/)
Google ‘deficient emotional self-regulation’ and you get many paths to pursue.
My wife of 25 years who has ADHD does not respond to 95% of the texts I send her despite having promised to at least respond with a ‘k’ to acknowledge she’s seen the text. We’ve discussed it several times over the years but nothing has ever changed. She also refuses to actually listen to any messages left on her voicemail; she’ll call back (sometimes) instead. My point here is that ADHD symptoms can result in not returning texts. I don’t have a working solution.
I suggest reviewing the webinar by William Dodson, MD (How ADHD Shapes Your Perceptions, Emotions & Motivation) on this website. Dodson’s discussion of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) directly relates to anger issues exhibited by ADHD persons.
To the Non-ADHD partner from another Non-ADHD partner,
You live in an emotional house-of-mirrors governed by ADHD. You can never know how your ADHD partner actually perceives things and what motivated them at a particular time. Your non-ADHD conception of reality does not match your ADHD partner’s conception of reality but you are still tasked with making everything work everyday in the real world. You can spend years researching ADHD and its symptoms but the person who is in charge of accepting and implementing an ADHD treatment plan has ADHD. Sometimes you may feel progress is being made in managing some symptoms of ADHD but the morphing specter of ADHD and co-morbid conditions is always there. Your ADHD partner may not acknowledge the various frantic things you do to ‘make everything work’ and may even scorn your attempts to make the problems visible to your ADHD partner.
And also you may have children with ADHD.
Do the best you can.