My Forum Comments
May 14, 2017 at 12:02 am in reply to: how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating? #48872
But how do I tell him – your using substances to cope, you need to figure out what for…May 14, 2017 at 12:01 am in reply to: how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating? #48871
Suzy, I find your response enlightening. I can see the hypersensitive. But what I don’t understand is why sometimes instead of love and nurture I just get anger impatience and frustration. I’m a good wife and mother. I work from home and take care of our child and make a home cooked meal every other day. I prepare his coffee in the morning, I do all the laundry and dishes, and I make appts for him and schedule home repairs. Literally I don’t think there is anywhere I slack. I a. Loving, I touch gently, give hugs, smiles, kisses, and am always sexually available. Probably even more sexually frustrates on my end. I just do t understand – I am uplifting. Where as he is critical judge mental and negative. Where I might be lost in thought remembering a first date, he is lost in thought as to why I didn’t drive a different route with less traffic. I am honestly just so lost as to what to think do or sa – I no longer know who I am.
I wish he could talk to me and tell me his feelings. Instead it’s just silence on his end and he might explode if you force a convi about feelings. Don’t bother if he hasn’t had a joint.
How do I say- I think you have an underlying issue that you use these substances for. Caffeine, nicotine, marijuana and alcohol. I don’t want him to feel attacked. I don’t even treat him like there’s something wrong with him but in turn he acts like there’s something wrong with me. I feel scared and like I’m walking on eggshells.of course he says that about me…May 13, 2017 at 11:52 pm in reply to: how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating? #48870
Your daughter who did not feel well after children – she should check her thyroid. There are many women who are misdiagnosed with depression or bipolar when they actually have a thyroid disease. Even IF they’ve checked and said her levels are normal! She may not be optimal. They may have only checked TSH and not free t4 and free T3 or have run antibodies tests. I had this happen. After the birth of my daughter I had the worst anxiety – I was irritable and angry and knew this was not like me. Sure enough I insisted on an antibodies test and discovered I had hashimotos. With treatment the symptoms go away – anxiety anger etc.btw it’s not uncommon to also find those with ADHD or autism spectrum to have the MTHFR gene mutation. This is a problem with your body’s ability to methylated – specifically difficulty absorbing key nutrients like B vitamins which are necessary for proper functioning.There are connections to changing diets and using active B vitamins and finding a change in autism symptoms.. google about it, you may find it quite interesting.May 13, 2017 at 11:44 pm in reply to: how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating? #48869
Lornagillians, I appreciate your response. I’m not oppose to substances but I feel like he is so different. When he’s on nicotine it’s almost as if there’s no emotions. He talks and functions and goes to work, but there doesn’t seem to be any feeling with exception towards our daughter – sometimes I feel the love, but it’s as he if he focuses only on her. When he quit a long time ago I was surprised to see someone new. I mean sure he was an ass for the first week after but then he was just different. Then he switched to marijuana – it was obvious he needed something. But the marijuana, though it made him spacey, also made him seem happy and generally calm. All of this was before our daughter. Then when he’s required to hold down a job he goes back to nicotine. After our daughter things seemed okay, then he had started a new job and at some point got sick and stopped smoking marijuana and went back to smoking e-cigs. I could tell something was going on. I convinced him to start the marijuana again but the e-cigs are still in the picture.
I try not to take it personally – though sometimes it’s hard to watch how capable he is of connecting with our daughter but not me. The hardest is when I try to assert myself and do things for me – he tries to make me feel guilty or actively control. As if I have to ask him for permission. It hurts me that he doesn’t respect me enough to trust my judgement or understand my autonomy. I know he needs it too and I never call him out I every time he disappears so he can sit on the computer and smoke and just be away from us. Because I am Understanding. And yet if I want to go do something with friends there are times he gets angry about it. Other times I go and he doesn’t seem angry but I came home and I feel the coldness and distance. I don’t want to do things without him – I’d rather go to a concert or hiking or a movie with him. But he just can’t do any of those things. I do t know how to talk to him anymore…May 8, 2017 at 11:48 am in reply to: Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria? Newbie to ADHD Spouse support. #47744
OMG – this is how I feel. If I ever bring up that I feel “ignored,” “unloved,” “neglected,” anything that seems like it would be criticizing him, even though it’s just me trying to express my feelings and needs and in no way am I trying to attack – he just flies off the handle. He tells me “Nothing is ever enough for you!” “Of course I love you, I married you!” “Nothing is wrong!” “You just want drama!” It honestly makes me feel crazy, and I start to believe the things he says, and yet I can’t shake the feeling of being ignored or neglected. Especially when he had been very capable of showing me nurture and affection in the past, and still capable of showing our dogs and toddler nurture and affection.
He is undiagnosed, my husband. He briefly mentioned some years back thinking he had it – and I brushed it off, wanting him to feel assured that everyone gets distracted. But I wish I had not done that – and now he turns to various substances to manage. I don’t know how to talk to him about “why” he’s using substances – to get him to face the truth..
At least your partner knows he has ADHD .. is he on medication?May 8, 2017 at 11:36 am in reply to: how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating? #47742
Sorry – I typed that on my phone, and as I re-read it, I make it sound like his substance usage leads me to believe he has ADHD. His quirks lead me to believe he has ADHD, and that he is using multiple substances to cope/function. He is the inattentive type – he can walk in the house and not acknowledge me, though he’ll acknowledge the dog and over acknowledge our child – but he might just assume I’m in the house, never to check or say “Hello.” He is forgetful, he dislikes specific tasks such as anything requiring talking on the phone or making appointments. He’s definitely a procrastinator. He is constantly “taking breaks,” or running off to the home improvement store. He’s got various hobbies he likes to put a lot of focus on, and often loses track of time. He doesn’t like to read books, only short articles, reading books seem to take too much time, perhaps? Traveling seems to give him anxiety even though he seems to enjoy it, but not, but does … He has difficulty seeing things from someone else’s perspective, mis-remembers conversations/events, and misinterprets someone’s thoughts/feelings – often stating something like “All of this drama just because I ____” as if to trivialize the other person’s thoughts/feelings, this is especially the case if thoughts/feelings involve “him making the person feel” a certain way – he won’t take any responsibility for causing a situation.
Anyway, all of that leads me to believe he has undiagnosed ADHD, and that he’s been using various substances to help him function. Have others been through this, substance usage “merry-go-round?”