My Forum Comments
December 1, 2019 at 9:22 am in reply to: Has any parents considered not diagnosing their ADHD child? #135625
Agree with @Aaron Lewis’s Comments and recommendations.
Plus, you are right…Kids do not deserve the discrimination, and we have had to learn how to advocate for our child and either leave or “flip the script” on adults who profile our kids.
Part of this includes treating him with a clear view of the challenges he is facing. Data from testing is going to help you put a game plan together. Particularly, testing from someone who has nothing to gain from the result. Top that with your concern: They just give you the test data it is up to the parent what to do with the findings.
But.. back up a bit… and start with a neurological evaluation with a pediatric neurologist that deals with attention disorders. The neurologist can also recommend specific testing that will apply. There are lots of tests, and you want to be sure they are using one that is the right age/stage.
This early relationship will help put your child’s conduct into perspective and help connect you with any services that might apply to your situation. Also, it will be your decision how/when to disclose any diagnosis – but better to have the information. For us, having that independent evaluation helped steer the school away from labeling our
ADHD is not a mental disorder.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by lynnl. Reason: edited to clarify that parents can test and then choose what to do with the results. and that you wan t to avoid being forced into testing
Thanks. Yes, dh and I have had these situations before.
This fall we started a plan to have “low drama” social outings. Just to give us a break, have some fun, and check in with the “real world.”
Honestly, when the comment came – we were relaxing and talking about “The Masked Singer”. Dh and I really were feeling pleased with ourselves. (Look at us socialize without a scene! Look at us have a conversation!)
I might have just seemed flustered but I was frustrated and hurt.
Today, rather than regret.. that person has been texting me with more and more justifications for their comments. I see the texts, but am making a point of not clicking on them.. I did go into her profile and put her on mute.
Hope it is going better for the rest of the crew.September 3, 2019 at 8:56 am in reply to: Deep frustrations with child psych-Are psychologists afraid to diagnose ODD? #126673
Probabley parent on here is going to want to say: Come sit by me.
This group is s terrific location for coming alongside other parents as we tease apart parenting our kiddos.
There is a lot to say, but I second the recommendation of checking out Dr. Ross Greene’s work.
I read his book the Explosive Child, but I got the most benefit from listening to “Lost in School” as an audio book. It gave me the chance to listen through the example scripts as I was driving between errands. At the end I was more skillful at using Greene’s CPS Model.September 3, 2019 at 8:56 am in reply to: HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle #126662
One more thing you can do to help yourself: Take Mental health First aid — https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/
The classes are usually free or low cost. Not only does it give you ideas aobut how you can respond situations, but it will also orient you to mental health services that are available in your area. Understanding the roadmap of services will save you time and help you figure out what might be the best fit for your situation.August 28, 2019 at 11:58 am in reply to: High Calorie small quantity school lunch ideas, please #126659
Agree with so many of the posts already up here. The only thing I would add would be home made baked goods, you can supplement with home made so that you have control of the sugar and protein. Generally we will pack more in the box, but know that only the muffin and milk will be eaten. Breakfast and Dinnar are less carby and more focused on a protein and fruits and veggies.
Ugh, it must be really frustrating that your family takes this position. AND to pile on that all your accomplishments are some kind of “problem.” Getting them to change the lens is going to be difficult because behind the scenes there is always 1 (or 2!) that are probably working this “story line”.
Do they bring up the diagnosis? Or do you?
My guess: They bring is up because they have issues. They are jealous of your accomplishments, of your consistent employment – and your ability to be flexible and change. All those features of ADHD appear to have been in your favor in those respects. or maybe they don’t feel recognized for the path they have chosen.
Sure you have had to restart, pay tuition, and get to know a new career… but you keep moving forward. That in itself is amazing. I am sure your family is happy with their choices, and it would be great if they could choose to “change the lens” on your story.
When we visit family: We avoid mentioning ADHD, talk about specific symptoms. That seems to flip the script. We find there is less eye rolling and parenting lectures when we say kiddo has “keen” interests (AKA hyperfocus), enjoys exploring (might be distracted and need some time to putter), has lots of energy (hyperactivity), or needs to get the wiggles out. yes, it all sounds a bit babyish to our kiddo.. BUT it has prompted a couple of family critics to SHUT IT.
Maybe you can find some ways to shift the conversation with your own family?
We are getting ready to go to a family wedding, and I am already bracing myself. Hope you best of success with your family.
Dr. Ross Greene’s organization has a Parent Tour on the website. It is free, and gives an overview of his approach.
We treat our child’s behavior as an anxiety issue and have to consistently and persistently “Change the lens” on issues for teachers and school administration. When we set up the 504, we made a point of using language with a “lagging skills” approach.. rather than perpetuating the myths that our child is lazy/deliberately rude etc.
If you do not have a 504/IEP in place, I recommend requesting an evaluation for both of these items in writing. By putting it I writing it is now in their court to document and discuss the findings with you/your husband.October 5, 2018 at 11:01 pm in reply to: Frustrated I can’t do the most simple things as a mum. Any advice please? #101025
Using Flylady was much easier when I reduced the amount of daily email, and added the cleaning calendar to the online calendar that works for me .
What works for me is the positive encouragement, and having a system where I “just do, don’t think.” The cute names and no-nonsense approach make it a good match.. but yes, all the emails stress me out and I “break up” with flylady from time to time.
But looking at my dining room table, it looks like I need to go back!
Jumping into the conversation here. Our 9 year old son exhibits many of the behaviors discussed up thread. We did Parent Child Interaction therapy (PCIT) for a year – which is intense family therapy that teaches parents new skills but also informs the child of their options.
After a year, we “graduated” and continue to practice what we learned at home. Most of this comes from Ross Green with a focus on connecting with the child an grounding them in a secure environment.
But.. the arguing and explosive reactions continue, particularly with me (mom). As we are going to various appointments or activities he will do lots of name calling, pushing, hitting and throwing things around. Even though we set expectations ahead of time.. he seems to really enjoy the show, particulary in front of a group of other parents at a sport practice or similar.
I have joined a parent support group and done some sessions with a coach.. but it just seems to be getting worse. It breaks my heart, and even more than my shame and embarrassment from the situations.. I am very concerned for my son’s future. His IQ is high, but his performance in school is sub-par. The only time he did his work was when we hired a tutor that stood over him with a stop watch. but now, the explosive anti social behavior is getting worse.. and we do not enjoy his company at all.. so getting “special time” to happen is very difficult.
Thank you for this forum..
Here are some idea that have worked for us, maybe we can get more ideas going:
Overall I try to mix it up and make sure that our son always feels like he is moving on to something new, different, better.
OT and Therapy Group – Perfect for non perfection. We relax all the rules on those days and make them relaxing and special. We want our son to get the most from therapy, so we don’t plan any other taxing events on that day.
Playdates: We have playdates at our house so we can keep a close eye on our son. We keep them short, and try to have a playdate with as many different classmates as possible. Rotating the kids helps to avoid “ruts” and allows for fun but applies a little pressure to treat each guest well.
Cub Scouts: Cub Scouting does not emphasize perfection, and we roll with it. Getting out and camping, and being able to tromp through the trees without a lot of rules (Mom!) is a lot of fun. We went with a pack that does not focus on uniform compliance and strict rule following.
Church: We found a “playing church” that engages the kids in a lot of lively play. We want him to feel like he can be himself at church… so we pick one that is large… and not attended by kids from his school. The church is large enough that quirky behavior gets lost in the crowd, and things are so lively.. he is more inclined to let something go so he doesn’t miss out on the fun.
Camps and child care: We look for variety and offerings that other kids from school might attend. All too often people say “oh I know your child” with a knowing look. This has become our signal to “check out”. However well meaning, it signals to us that they feel they know him from the past.. and his behavior improves so rapidly these people hold him back.
@shudson76 – absolutely, treating your child’s as a behavior problem is not a great solution. We had a very difficult kinder year, and learned (the hard way) that we need to change how we interact with teachers.
– Put it in writing. (use the clean slate approach, and try to emphasize the team aspect as much as possible.) If you do not already have it in writing – at least get that communication started.
(I use our parent coach for these letters, my tendency is put my passion for my child into strongly worded letters – that do not motivate folks to help us. So know your strengths)
– Understand the school. Volunteer, donate, remember birthdays, clean up days on the campus. Become a familiar face. We have seen an improvement since we started committing ourselves to volunteer hours.
– Go hi:District level. What is going on at that level? Are there special events or training sessions? Our School District has an annual Dyslexia conference. We go, we shake hands, we talk to teachers and vendors. Even though reading is not challenging for our child, we meet other parents.. we meet school staff. We listen to how they frame problems, and in particular we listen for the priorities of the district. Then we take that, and use it when we team up with the teacher. If we understand the pressure on the teacher from “above” – then we can frame our advocacy correctly.
– Go lo: Teacher In our case, we sponsored the teacher to go to several seminars. They all offered “sponsored seat” deals for teachers that were less expensive than if the teacher paid directly, and the teacher got some CUE’s – so it was an attractive offer for her! We did not just donate to the PTA continuing education fund because we wanted to reinforce the relationship with the teacher.
August 13, 2017 at 4:55 am in reply to: HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle #57104
- This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by lynnl.
Agree with @katie719 about putting a contingency plan together. It may take time, but you need resources and a team to help you. As @katie719 pointed out, it needs to be people who you can trust with your children, who he considers respected (or neutral), and who can get on board. They do not need to be on your team, they need to be on your kids team.
But you do need to do your record keeping – consider keeping it in a cloud account. That way you can access from any device, and share it with your lawyer without leaving breadcrumbs that might draw attention.
If this is something you need to manage, one way to set boundaries might be develop a schedule that compresses the morning and evening schedule. Playgroups for the children, sports, church activities.. thing gather people together, and give you an excuse for setting boundaries. It restricts the time he has for the current pattern, and puts it out in public.