My Forum Comments
June 10, 2019 at 4:49 pm in reply to: Son 22, never had a job and living with enabling mom #119387
Danyosaur, thank you for sharing and I am glad you are having success. But I have ask – what does work? As a parent, it is crushing to see your child, adult or otherwise making poor choices, isolated and depressed over their situation. Tubby is probably relieved his son graduated, but it probably was due to the mother micromanaging (stalking) out of her own fear. A degree doesn’t solve any problem – actually it adds expectations that his son is clearly not ready to mature.
How long should parents wait before we see a change? Medication and counseling seem like a waste when the patient doesn’t want to change. What made you want to change?
The online world has made ADD worse and contributes to isolation and failures way beyond my generation of the 1980’s. We had no option but to participate in our world- not withdraw into video games and online chat sites. Lots of industry has been built on trying to help people suffering from ADD but to me, nothing works unless you remove the things that isolate and increase distraction.
Well, if failed 3 classes because he skipped or didn’t turn in papers. What a waste of time and money. He has to move on- nothing ever changes. I am making him pay us back for school, but he can’t get a job because he is late for every damn thing. I guess I have to prepare that I will have him at home forever. Just defeated. no more doctors, no more school. just letting thing go – I am done.
Some really great, heartfelt options. Over the past week, I have just let him be on his own path with a little prompting to get up. Problem is that the only thing he is obsessed on is video game and online inappropriate sites. We have talked with Therapist about this and we do try to turn off internet when we can. If you are addicted to something that robs you of your time and morals, its just as bad as a drug.
We are trying new medications and yet another highly recommended doctor. New Doc thinks we have been using the wrong medicine for years. I don’t think he is taking medication because he said it didn’t make a difference. I think he is use to the stimulants and can “feel” them working. We let him make the decision to see the doctor and he made the appointment and went himself. So I do know he wants to change but he thinks its all in a pill.
This is the end of the semester and I hope he has some success – for his sake not ours. Of course we have no idea of what his grades are because 3 of the 5 college professors have not posted 1 grade the entire semester! He needs to find a new obsession and interests or nothing will change.
We have made arrangements for him to live on campus next fall and we are looking forward to him trying to be on his own. It just heartbreaking to see his friends moving forward in school and he is standing still.
I am very insulted that anyone would think I not supportive of my child. I have been his biggest advocate since kindergarten when he struggled for the first time. It took 8 years of testing and doctors to determine he had ADD. I have defended him to angry teachers, administrators and the like. But my post is about frustration. More directed at the false hope of getting well. The neurologist says he will grow out of it. The psychologist says he needs to make it a priority to change and 5 alarm clocks. The psychiatrist says he needs more medicine and to grow up. My sons says he needs nothing. He is tired of help.
We have struck a deal, son has to go to the psychologist/coach each week and we will not hassle him about school work, his room, his eating habits. But getting up for school and work is a non negotiable. If I am paying tuition, because he says he wants a degree, it is reasonable to expect he go on time. It is not like when we were in school and you could cut class and still get an “a” if you turn in work. Attendance can count for 25% of a grade.
If after 8 years of coaching and scaffolding we can’t get past getting up on time, there is more than ADD. Of course colleges have learning resources. In fact, I sent him to a high school that specializes in learning differences. We have been coached as a family- we provide support and encouragement but we are at the end of our ropes. We had him re-assessed so that he could use the disability services at college. But, that only works if you show up to your resource appointments, remember to tell instructors you have extended time or go the writing center. ADHDx2, your child is 14, you have no idea what is ahead and how college is a huge struggle on their way to “adulting”.
When your children are in grade school through high school you can be the empathetic parent because the schools have to keep them enrolled, you can rely on the system to help and make sure they graduate – everyone involved has the same end game. As a parent goal is to have your child be self sufficient productive member of society. But in the real world of work and college, every person needs to find the drive to be better and master life skills. Do you want your child to have 17 jobs by the time they are 30? There are plenty of successful people with ADHD, so I know some people have the determination to change. But if I don’t provide the scaffolding – even now that he in 20, he will fail and he will be depressed. It is a vicious cycle.
My point is that with all this help, why is he refusing to use the tools and resources. It makes me wonder if its a different problem Why is it on this forum no one has any success stories. What actually works????
To Penny, we have sat down numerous times to review expectations and issues. We have done it as a family and with therapist. In fact, Marrimen, we have actually have had counseling with Ari Tuckman. There is nothing I can do but let him fail and pray. Today, I left for work, he was awake. Just called him and he missed class because it took 2 hours to leave the house. He fell back to sleep.
I calmly called him and said, he has to decide, is this a pattern he enjoys? He has to start making choices – whether to rollover and go back to sleep, stay on his laptop all night or go to school. He just gets upset and says he is an idiot. I reassured him he is not an idiot, far from it. Incredibly intelligent but makes poor choices. I suggested that next time he decides to rollover and go back to sleep think of 5 bad results from his choice. If he is okay with all the results than go ahead and sleep. If not, get up and make the decision to go to school or work. He also told me he didn’t take medicines. Again, I said what do you think the benefit is of not taking medicine. I got the “I don’t know”. Then what is the benefit of taking it? Same answer. He suppose to meet with a counselor today, go the learning resources, etc, but i know he won’t he will sit and stare and the cell phone and waste another day.
We have set the expectation that he will pay us for every class he fails due to cuts. Right now, he looks like he will owe us full tuition. I can’t tell my husband he missed class because that will ignite the fuse. To be honest, I want to go home and cry. This is a miserable life for all of us!
We do limit the car to school and make him buy gas- but it is such as catch 22. We want him to have a college experience – making friends and being part of the campus, but he needs a car to get there. This summer we told him he had to have a full time job and schedule. As of now, he hasn’t been called for one interview. My husband wants him to work in our office, but I nixed that. I am not supervising him 24/7.
They can call it motivational disorder, but what is the solution? Seriously, I feel like the therapist prey on parents who are desperate for help. Lots of sessions but same ideas but the kids never change. They need to come up with a medication that is sustaining through the morning – maybe its like a injection so they have in their system all day.
Its a self defeating illness – one you where get no empathy and lots of advice, but no success.