My Forum Comments
December 27, 2020 at 6:00 pm in reply to: Being with an ADD partner and not being intimate anymore #189870
Hey– I’m back. I’ve been thinking about this a little bit. I wonder if he is one of those ADDers who are just exhausted by social activity?
It might explain some things. Whatever he does for work, the daily interactions exhaust him. He comes home and you are there, wanting –more interaction! Thus, the quick bite to eat and losing himself via gaming.
It could also explain (but not excuse) the Tinder stuff. He gets the sex he desires, and because it’s just a hook up, he doesn’t have to deal with the social aspect of a GF wanting to go places, do things, and talk.
So when he is mentally ready for interaction, he’s super nice and cuddly, etc. I’m not sure this explains the sex avoidance, unless he is also struggling with his own sexuality. (Sorry to drop that bomb on you.)
All this considered, until you get to the bottom of what is driving the behaviors you consider challenging, you should not marry this person.
If he is exhausted by social activity, imagine how difficult it will be for him to deal with kids, etc. if you have hopes in that direction. He may not ever be able to be available the way you want him to be. You need to decide, for your sake and his if you want to continue the relationship. There may be better matches for both of you out there.
Again, best of luck with this difficult stuff.
Another thought for you as regards to a career counselor. I have a friend who is one which is why it came to mind. She works for a local college and is available to all students past and present. Perhaps your alma matter has a similar option. It might be worth contacting them to see.
In case you are worried that they won’t be able to factor in your ADD, it’s worth noting that my friend deals with many students who have aspergers (the notion that students with the are all geniuses is NOT true) and other neuroatypical students.
Don’t give up hope!
I don’t think it’s unrealistic at all. I think you might benefit from seeing a career counselor. Career may not mean “office job” for you. There might be a career where you can be out and about, where movement is part of the day.
Just an example that won’t apply to you: my little sis (not add) has a job where she is computer tech support for a school system. This is not sitting at a computer all day! This is going into classrooms and plugging stuff in, showing teachers how to use their equipment, setting things up, solving problems that are different each day –helping people.
This job comes with a pension and great insurance!
Not saying you are the kind of person who likes to plug stuff in and untangle computer snafu’s but it’s just an example of a job that requires, helping people, less sitting and more creative problem solving.
A career counselor might be able to help you brainstorm something more suitable that you might actually enjoy! I hope this helps.
My brother is a compulsive liar who has been diagnosed at least once with ADD and still has had no substantial help. He is an adult, a caring man and a great father. But he has bankrupted his family by lying about getting jobs etc. His wife is an amazing woman and we siblings have no idea what to do.
I will be following this thread to see if there are any suggestions for you that might help me, since we appear to be in a similar boat.
I sympathize with your position. No one deserves to have to pull all the emotional weight in a relationship.
You say you are well matched, but it doesn’t sound that way to me after i read your story. Being sad for days after a fight, crying all the time… Is that how you want to live? You are feeling resentful and I don’t blame you. You keep trying and trying and he keeps falling off the wagon, so to speak.
A thousand times this:
< Ask yourself, if your boyfriend isn’t actually capable of changing, would you stay?>
Can you endure another 5 or 10 or 20 years of your current state? Could you endure a few good months followed by a backslide, Wash rinse repeat, maybe forever? Do you want a relationship built on your emotional endurance?
You say he is very loving when he’s not losing it, but this:
<he tells me that he is sorry to hear, and that my feelings are in my control, not his.>
does not sound compassionate or loving. It sounds small. Considering his behavior is causing your feelings of sadness it’s also wrong. It also sounds as if he is not recognizing the role he plays in your emotional upset.
If you were my sister, I’d encourage you to strongly consider not making the second move to live together in a more permanent situation. Your instincts about this are valid and you need to listen to them. That kind of move with a boyfriend should make you happy, NOT scared. It will be hard to let this relationship go because of all the wonderful parts, and it will make you sad. You will cry. But you are already sad and crying with no end in sight. As difficult as it is, as vested in this relationship as you are, I think you should let this one go. 🙁
I don’t think so. The bullet journaling is a technique, isn’t it? You decorate the pages or not as you choose and I think, although I could be wrong, is that the pages are blank. The HP has a regular calendar, but with various calendar layouts, hourly, weekly vertical, a ‘dashboard’ weekly layout that is different than those two, which is good for lists.
The HP company sells the stuff to decorate if you are into that, stickers and the decorative tape, etc. And yes, you can go to a weird place with all that. But the decorating, and making each week different helps my engagement. (I suppose you do this with bullet J too.)
The removable pages, and the insert pages they sell for lists and various planning tasks (you can get a hole punch that lets you punch your own pages and add them) or there are inexpensive print your own downloads from ETSY as well.
The one thing that is turning me off, is that lately the designs are a bit weird to me. Kind of this weird, forced, super charged, “We’re planning! We’re super HAPPY we’re PLANNING!!” and an uncomfortable, “Good girls are HAPPY, and kind!!!” sort of vibe that is strange to me. you can ignore it and use the system though. There is also a Evangelical Christian subtext that might be responsible for this. Just there in the background, kind of a low static that you can also ignore. Yet it pops up and some might find off-putting.
Hope this brings clarity. I looked at Bullet Journaling and it seemed too complicated, with all the numbering and doodling. I’m not a doodler.
So here is another thought, and one that I use sometimes and like quite a lot.
I put all appointments Dr, dog groomer, etc into my phone calendar and set multiple reminders. The week in advance reminder is especially helpful if it’s an appt made six months in advance, like a dentist. Plans change and I know to cancel and the phone number comes right up with the reminder. Bam! Done!
But– There is a thing out there called a “Happy Planner.” Google it. They have many different, designs and layouts for the pages. There is always a monthly calendar and then usually a weekly spread between 2 pages.
Here’s where they are different: A Happy Planner has pages that can be added, subtracted or moved as needed.
Say a friend is coming to stay in two weeks. I make a to-do list, of what I need to do for that. Well, I can insert the list into my current weekly view and then take it out and move it to the next week. I get the satisfaction of seeing what I’ve already crossed off to keep me motivated, it’s right in my calendar where I can see it.
Then after the visit, I can remove the list, and stick it with other lists of stuff I need to do for reoccurring type events: packing lists for trips, or maybe use an old to do list as a jumping off point for a new to-do next time my friend comes. Maybe I can write on the old to-do that she really liked some kind of dessert or wine. Next time she comes I can revisit the old to-do list, I can remind myself to get it.
The other aspect of the Happy Planner –and can be a rabbit hole don’t get me wrong– is that you can decorate it. I know, weird. But there is an entire tribe of “planners” on YouTube who share their decorated pages. It is wild. There is washi tape (decorative tape) and stickers and colored pens and markers and utter madness. And yet, it keeps you going back to the planner (I can take months off though) I find the decorating part very relaxing and weirdly contenting.
Some people seem to get caught up in worrying that their decorating isn’t ‘good enough’ or that they are going to ‘mess it up.’
These are not my kind of worries. I don’t need a cohesive theme (candy canes! Shamrocks! Dinasouars!) to get on my ‘Happy’ horse. I just decorate and let my whims run free… flower sticker in the upper left corner, ’cause I feel like it? You betcha! Tape with purple dots on it right over there… Lovin’ it!
But if decorating seems like something that would create tension, you don’t have to do that. What the Happy Planner does give you is a colorful, flexible system that lets you add and subtract pages as you need them.
Hope this helps.July 28, 2020 at 1:04 am in reply to: I just can’t trust him?…ADD partner who cheats…is it normal? #180007
I hate to say this, but I would not pursue the relationship any further. I know you want to be understanding, I see how hard you are willing to work to make it work. You seem to be such a kind and forgiving person. But he does not yet seem to be in a place to be the partner you need. He doesn’t seem like much of a partner at all frankly. If you became sick, or in need of care, how would he respond? I am not encouraged by your description of his current behavior, and his desire for ‘forgiveness’ but lack of desire to figure out what he needs to do to stop ‘cheating.’
It’s like you are living in a perpetual cycle of High School drama, cheating, flirting, forgiving, therapy, wash, rinse, repeat. He gets his precious dopamine hit BUT WHAT DO YOU GET? And that, my dear, is a reasonable question. You deserve something out of this relationship too. You deserve a haven of caring and compassion and understanding. You deserve fun and laughter and joy. And from your description I don’t see him bringing any of that to the table.
Remember, while he’s ‘cheating’ on you, texting or whatever things you have caught him doing (and there could be more you haven’t) he is also cheating on the other woman who may not know about YOU.
Ask yourself this:
If things are exactly as they are now five years from now, will I still be ok with his behavior, and the constant drama cycle?
I hope the answer is no. I hope that five years from now you will have a partner who honors you and respects you. ADHD is a tough road to be sure, but it’s no excuse here. There are plenty of wonderful men with ADHD who would cherish your desire to help them navigate the difficulties, and never put you through this just because it makes them feel better.
Breaking it off is going to be hard. It is always hard. He will promise, he will ‘get better’ or whatever. Don’t fall for it! The drama of getting you back will be his latest dopamine hit… And when he ‘wins’ you back and feels secure it will start all over again.