My Forum Comments
I’ve always…creatively reframed…my flaws as ‘I’m a perfectionist’ or ‘I’m working on not taking on more than I can humanly do’. Jokes are good depending on companies, too.. A friend said his Achilles tendon was his weakness in a job interview a while ago and that was the thing that got him the job!!
I have been made, conveniently, ‘redundant’ from my last 2 jobs because of my adhd quirks, I believe, though..so I think in my next interview I will just be honest about it from the start, but mention its benefits as well as its hinderences.
Yep, but again please don’t take this as gospel – I’m only speaking from experience and a year of reading. The most valuable thing I’ve learnt is that adhd is very different for everyone, so it may or may not apply to your situation.
You know how you feel like you’ve been steam-rollered when you’re hungover or have flu? That’s the best way I can describe the fatigue thing. Stimulant meds helped a lotttt, but it still catches up with me when I’ve spent a long period being ‘normal’. It’s less frequent with meds, but still a thing.
The emotional issues are, from what I have been told and understand, very common in adhd but have been very misunderstood and misdiagnosed until recently. I was lucky enough to see an incredibly devoted psychiatrist who knew this. That was the main reason I was diagnosed, actually – I never did badly in school or struggled to sit still as a child, but the emotional side seems to be increasingly recognised and acknowledged, now. I was started on a mood stabiliser recently and it’s helped my anger/sadness/panicked outbursts hugely, so that might be a thing to discuss. There will still be moments of overflow because that’s just the reality of it, I think, so acknowledging that and lessening its impact on you is important… I used to work in a school full of kids with emotional difficulties, too, and always found the best thing was to recognise what was happening, get some distance and the talk about it once it’s passed. It’s hard not to take it personally, but you must try!
I’ve always found empathy/being needed by other people to be my main kickstarter…so I’m thinking he’s the same as me there – stepping up when you’re struggling yourself. The 2 motivations for adhd people are interest and urgency, so if you’re unwell or something he’s most likely going into hyperfocus to support you because he loves you so there’s urgency. I will bend over backwards for my family if they need it, but household chores don’t have that urgency or interest so my house is a pig-sty! It must be incredibly frustrating to live with…God knows I’ve had countless fights about it…but unfortunately I think it’s just a hard to stomach truth.
Also….after these periods of urgency hyperfocus, it’s a bit like being a pressure cooker. There will always be some sort of overflow afterwards because it’s mentally strenuous, and even though it’s automatic and fine at the time for me, what goes up must come down. Another unlovable fact of us lot!
Lastly, don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong or failing in some way. You could be an adhd master and there would still be moments where he goes on one and you despair at the whole situation. I keep saying it but I really do think acknowledgment and distance are the way to go – like putting a blanket over a parrot’s head and going out for coffee until he becomes less frustrating! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job already in trying to understand… I wish my family were half as interested as you are…! Keep asking on here if you need to – it’s the most productive thing I’ve done all day, to be honest, so it’s of mutual benefit 😆
God I do feel for you… I can only imagine what it would be like to live with me. I find it hard enough myself!
Although I agree it must feel like he’s lazy, sluggish and not trying to help himself, I think that he’s probably totally fatigued. It’s a very under-looked but veryyyyy common symptom of adhd, fatigue.. I thought I was a lazy and rubbish person, but I eventually learnt that so much energy goes into appearing normal 😂 and trying to function like normal people do, all while conversely hyper-ly thinking about 2 books I want to write, what Saturn’s rings must look like when on the planet and oh wait was that a robin I just saw? It’s a very exhausting, confusing and unlovable thing.. . I started a thread on here about fatigue myself, when I was first diagnosed ..stimulants made me more focussed and productive and the hamster wheel in my head stopped within an hour of the first pill, but after that it’s still a learning curve. More meds added; some taken away.. It took me a while after to realise drugs would never completely ‘cure’ me and that it was important to develop coping mechanisms alongside the meds.. For example, I know now that my memory will always be terrible, so I have a ‘launch pad’ by the front door so I don’t drive my boyfriend mad forgetting everything every time I leave the house.. I’ve accepted that after the bombardment of a week at work I need to sleep for 12 (16, sometimes, honestly, like a sloth) hours some weekends, which makes it easier on me and my loved ones because it removes the pressure to be ‘on’ and the inevitable tension that’s caused when I can’t shake it off/flake out of plans last minute… The last thing… I’m going to start another paragraph in case you’re skimming, because I feel it’s the most important thing:
You have to take time for yourself and not feel bad about it. It’s so important you get some time away to do things that are good for you, too. I have the same anxious empathising-to-a-fault thing it sounds like you have, so you’ll probably feel bad about it, but block that thought and do it anyway. I think your partner might benefit from this, as well – a chance to be solitary and level out is so important to me. It will probably remove some of the guilt he must have about being a burden on you, too…that’s such a massive thing with adhd….the guilt that you should be doing something more..that your loved ones would be happier without you, etc.
Also – joke about it! I always joke about how I do an eternal circle about losing things in a place where I find another thing….about how grumpy I get when I’m hungry or tired like a toddler..about how I spend 3 hours watching Rizzoli and Isles instead of going to work because I’ve been wound up all night so cant do anything but splodge on the sofa like melted ice cream…taking the p*** really helps with defusing tension!
Hope you get on ok. He sounds like he’s incredibly lucky to have you supporting him. Just make sure you get some you time as well!
I’ve had a bit of a weird one, too… I haven’t been turned down from many jobs, but I find it really bloody hard to find work I can actually do without feeling like I’m crawling out of my own skin..! I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree, but I can’t do anything beyond private tutoring and working for the dogs at a nearby animal shelter. Not really complaining – I love the latter, but neither of them work financially and I get so frustrated I can’t do more at the moment. I feel your pain!
I’m the same age as you and recently diagnosed, too. I’ve had a similar sort of course since starting stimulants – like something I had even realised was wrong was suddenly fixed – but then had the horrible rebound of anxiety, mood swings and irrational anger… I’m not an angry person in the SLIGHTEST, so I found it really weird. My psychiatrist started me on a mood stabiliser which has really helped to level it out….maybe have a chat with yours about it!
Lots of luck to you, it’s a mare, isn’t it..!
I do feel for you! If you have any questions or problems with his school, this is SUCH a valuable resource. We’ve almost all got adhd ourselves, and quite a few of us are teachers or teaching assistants (myself included) because those kinds of jobs seem to draw us lot! Ask away; if I can’t help someone else will be able to. Lots of luck to you, it sounds like you’re doing a great job!
I’m also a 26 year old woman, but mainly the inattentive/anxious type adhd…until night time, then I can’t switch off and literally have to walk around or my legs go mental!
I know it’s different, but I wondered if you had talked about phenergen (an antihistamine) I was a prescribed to help with rebounding like a mmaniac at night time…and also mood sstabilisers? They’ve helped me a lot. I’m not a psychiatrist so wouldn’t reccommend aanything,of course,just wondered if youd had these conversations with your doctor….
On the non medicated side, I have found valerian very helpful just to calm me down a bit (it’s a herb – you can get it in tablet, liquid extract or even tea bag form)… Regular runs to get the impulsive adrenaline out…and also mindfulness, just for a few minutes every now and then. I’ve also been reading about magnesium supplements, which I think might be helpful, but haven’t tried yet.
Lots of luck to you 🙂
I get you completely – have just been made redundant because of my adhd, moved back with family (though not across countries), mountains of debt, ruined relationships, 3 demoralising Bill paying jobs alongside teenage school leavers cto try and fill the gap…you’re not alone, try and be kind to yourself. It’s not a personality flaw or you being a rubbish person that’s made you do those things; it’s an illness that hasn’t been successfully treated, yet.
Also I hope you don’t mind me saying, but it sounds like you’re horribly suffering from depression… Have you seen anyone about that? Depression and anxiety are massively comorbid with adhd, so might be worth looking into. I think I’d be in full suicidal hermit mode at the moment if they weren’t being treated alongside the adhd, for me. I’m very ignorant about American healthcare, being from the uk, so I don’t know if that’s a feasible option for you there… Why can’t you move back to the UK, though?
Also might be worth looking into magnesium and 5htp supplements if you’re off meds right now. They’ve really helped me, in the past, because they’re things adhd brains are deficient in, so I’ve heard.
Let me know how you get on…try and treat yourself like you would a friend, and please don’t give up hope.
Also forgot to mention – was prescribed an antihistamine called phenergen that I can take if feeling a bit anxious after I get home from work and can’t get out of the hyperfocus mode that just makes me feel angsty when there’s no stress to manage and I’m trying to relax… So there’s options, if you’re worried about trying stimulants. Chat to your doctor… And let me know how you get on!
I don’t think any recommendations you get here should be viewed as gospel without psychiatrist support, firstly…
Having said that, it sounds like I’m in a similar situation to you… I was prescribed lisdexamfetamine, a stimulant, although I have an anxiety disorder, too. If anything I would say it’s lessened the anxiety – at least for me, it’s stopped the incessant mental chatterthat I think caused a lot of my panic attacks and midnight runs to burn the adrenaline off. I’m now wondering (was diagnosed add 6 months ago, but anxiety disorder 8 years ago) if the adhd was the reason for the anxiety all along. Psychiatrist also said that adhd stimulants work on the frontal lobes to quiten the fight or flight monkey brain, so don’t necessarily exacerbate anxiety as a medication group.
That being said again, I’m currently flitting between 30mg and 50mg of lisdex – the standard 70mg dose made me a gibbering wreck fuelled by angsty adrenaline. At the lower doses though, it’s done wonders for me.
Please talk to your psychiatrist, though, before setting your mind on anything. If I’ve learnt anything over the last 6 months it’s that adhd and meds affect everyone differently!
Lots of luck to you. It’s early days, don’t be disheartened x
Ooo! Had wondered about being on too much..don’t remember being like it with 30mg, but been too busy trying to stop being upped further to 70mg because of racing heart etc. Will have an experiment and talk to doctor.
I couldn’t cope at all without a dog run after work.. Exercise is a must!
Thanks so much for reply, so helpful to hear opinions.
thanks so much for your replies. Not having a good time at work, either, and have been wondering about whether it’s me. At least we know it’s not just us. Let me know how you get on!
- This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by liasamturn.
thanks so much for your reply. Interesting to read about your side effects of melatonin and Phenergan, I’ll definitely look into it. Just so relieving to know it’s not just me being a lazy bum!
thanks so much for your reply. Not having a good time at work, either, and have been wondering about whether it’s me. At least we know it’s not just us. Let me know how you get on!
- This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by liasamturn.
I’m sorry for you because it’s horrible, but also so relieved to know it’s not just me on the up/down rollercoaster. I’m also affected by urgency, interest and weather (I live in England so it’s grey and rainy a LOT)… I’ll have a crash after any of these. so good to know I’m not alone!