Laura C.

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  • in reply to: No one believes me #170947
    Laura C.
    Participant

    It’s not uncommon for people to be diagnosed with ADHD for the first time in their forties and fifties. The diagnoses barely existed when we were kids.

    Obviously, you need to get professional help, but as you point out, the world has bigger problems right now.

    SO you have a problem of what to do in the long run, and what to do now.

    For now, arm yourself with information. It sound like you are suffering from rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is the real killer of ADHD. Not are you more sensitive to rejection, your likely to receive more of it, particularly as you are meeting resistance from friends and family.

    There are a lot of good articles on this sight about rejection sensitive dysphoria. I hope that you read, and realize that you are not alone in this. A lot of us struggle with it.

    Laura C.
    Participant

    Dear Cybergeek,

    I imagine a certain amount of compassion for your unborn children motivates your desire not to pass along your genes. Your life has been made harder because of ADHD, and you’d like to spare them your suffering. Compassion is a hallmark of good parenting.

    This is one of the most deeply personal decisions to be made by two people. Emphasis on two. It’s entirely possible, maybe even probable, that a women who loves you will want her children to have your smile or your impulsive creativity. Unless this woman is already in your life, you don’t know what she will want. You will have to take your future wife’s opinion into account. The beauty of love lies in it’s unpredictability. Don’t foreclose on your future prematurely.

    In the mean time, figure out how you will “manage” yourself. This is not a wife’s job, it’s simply the job of being human. Find a life that works for you, before you decide to share your life with someone else.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Laura C..
    in reply to: ADD and denial? #51174
    Laura C.
    Participant

    Non ADD spouse, your follow-up letter was very interesting and sad. It seems that your husband has learned to make accommodations for himself– as long as it’s in the workplace. So he is capable of dealing with his neurological-difference positively. What was telling about your response was you assertion that your husband thought marriage would be an exciting adventure. It is, but it’s also hard work. As an ADHD person, I struggled with feeling like the adventure had ended in the early years of my marriage. I tend to crave excitement– it’s hard wired in some of us. But over the years I came to realize that while I craved the excitement of the new, I also needed and valued the stability of my relationship with my husband. I had come to rely on his compassion and his understanding. If I’d thrown that over for something new, I probably just go looking for the same thing in my next relationship. We did couples therapy and I did individual therapy, but I had to come to this understanding on my own. NO one can force you to see the truth of your own life.

    We tend to find partners who embody what we want in ourselves. Chance are, your husband admired your organizational skills and stability. He probably wanted to be more like you, but of course, now he misses the thrill of adventure. What did you want from him? Did he represent impulsive adventure and fun? And what do you want now? You can’t change your husband. All you can do is think about what you want for your own future. Right now you are focused on your husband and the relationship. Perhaps it is time to think about you. If you had some hidden lust for adventure, or a new creative pursuit that has been buried under all this concern for your husband, the time to grab hold of it is now.

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