My Forum Comments
October 15, 2018 at 2:12 pm in reply to: Frustrated I can’t do the most simple things as a mum. Any advice please? #101546
Wow, give yourself a break. I relate and also fall into the “not working with kids” category so don’t like to imagine what it would be like if I WAS working. If someone were to ask me what I do since I don’t work it would sound like, “I’m chasing my tail, starting but not finishing, losing things and not hitting the priorities for the needs of myself and my family”.
Before kids, I felt I was a successful person but after kids I felt dysfunctional and incompetent. I can manage my own idiosyncrasies but I can’t do a whole family of people like that.
My only hint about laundry because my kids hate going to school with clothes that smell spoiled by sitting in the washer is I do it one day of week so I can binge-watch TV one day of week and do all the loads in one straight shot. That dedicated day for laundry is between Friday – Sunday and can double as nice family-movie time. The kids never see me watch TV without a warm load of laundry in the midst.
I like binge buying meats and cooking and baking in a long session. I separate MEAT/cooked PLANT PROTEIN into portions and freeze. I make triple batch of a carb – RICE, PASTA, POLENTA, or POTATOES and keep in fridge. I have tons of re-usable containers that have lids and are microwavable. This is how this process works:
1) defrost meat/entree first thing in morning so you have that ready when you get home
2) Pull out a portion of your pre-cooked carb of the day (rice, pasta,…)
3) have seasonal vegetables in fridge and have stocked pantry staples: dried spices, garlic, onion, canned tomatoes, coconut milk, canned beans, canned chiles, etc…)
4) wing the meat with carbo and seasonal veg. as separate items or together with a simple sauce or seasoning.
What I love about the computer is typing in the ingredients with the word “recipe” will return recipes that have the ingredients I have. I’ve gotten some novel recipes doing that kind of search. Over time I feel I’m gaining confidence in “winging” creative combinations of foods without using recipes because that is more flexible but pulling out the 1 -4 sequence really helps me not get caught off guard with no components to make a meal at home.
I appreciate the advice and information people have shared as I benefit from this advice too.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by keypher.
Supposedly ADD kids are delayed in maturity and for us, 5th grade is followed by middle school setting. Middle School throws in more chaotic factors into the mix (hormones and different threats/distractions that didn’t exist in elementary). A lot of people in my area “red shirt” or delay their boys entering kinder from the start knowing that boys are slower than girls in academic maturity and verbal skills. Those boys hit puberty earlier than the boys that don’t get red-shirted and that made my young son who was not red-shirted and with ADD feel odd and inferior. Many of his friends went to private school in middle school and high school starting (sometimes repeating a year) to get more individualized attention and the advantage of a repeated year in a different social setting. Wish I had that option. It’s an individual boy and family decision but those are some tactics I’ve seen. Yours will be unique to your situation. Good luck!April 12, 2018 at 4:30 pm in reply to: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please. #81590
Hi Pce42, Good for John trying to do the walk-in clinic. Remember on April 6 I wrote this?
___Report back in a week, April 12th, pce42, and let us know how you chose to act, as if you were NOT waiting for John for you to feel the way you want to. It can only help both of you.___
The key here is how “YOU chose to act”, as if you weren’t waiting for John.
I think if you did this you wouldn’t be frustrated and John may or may not be on the “wayside”April 9, 2018 at 2:48 pm in reply to: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please. #81064
Since you are attached to your guy, and everyone DOES express their ADHD differently, it’s curious to me what your guy’s twin is like? Just because you can feel objective about his future. There’s no guarantees about the future with anyone – near-typical and able-bodied people can change their status in a second. So, in my situation, I try to be grateful and make the most of it.
For me, as long as I hyper-focussed on what I like to do I am super productive and focussed. During my career-phase I realized I pushed away relationships because I knew they challenged what I could handle with my work, which was a priority then.
Now, married with children, I can tell you that my family is a priority and I STRUGGLE figuring out how people juggle both. I stay at home but it’s difficult for me to multi-task with each kid and prepare meals, etc…
Depending on your situation he can do very well in home or career, and if there’s extra money you can outsource what he can’t do (keep up on home maintenance, do the taxes, whatever doesn’t fit his field of focus).
Work, family, relationships require logistics that overlap and I can only hyper focus on one thing at a time. So, like b2curious said, there’s books about relationships with someone such as myself and I don’t know what your guys combination of gifts and problems are. My husband is most likely the impulsive type of ADHD, super successful and he continues to be classic ADHD and a sweetheart. So, we do weekly check-ins that cover 4 points: 1) Appreciations for each other 2) Chores we need to be aware of 3) Plan Good times! 4) Talk about challenging stuff. These 4 steps are from the book, “Marriage Meetings”. Helps us stay on focus/track.
I thought Melissa Orlav had a good book on relationships & ADHD. Peruse the reviews:
If you were my pal I’d probably say date more and see if you can move on but if not, know with eyes wide-open what you are in for. If you date great people and just miss him all the time then you might have your answer.April 6, 2018 at 2:22 pm in reply to: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please. #81163
Sounds like the relationship took the wind out of your sails. Partly because you aren’t on your own powerful path. Stop and look at the horizon – imagine the possibilities for yourself again. Right now it sounds like a co-dependent, not inter-dependent relationship. Let’s say John was so great at domestic chores and childcare that he became the stay-at-home partner – he’s still going to need to activate his accountability, even more so. So give it a test run:
Doing a weekly check-in will either prove he’s dependable and responsible for his commitments he chooses OR not. If you keep your end of the bargain, you may see why you feel you feel you are dragging an “anchor”. Either way, you will have control over your ship and that will energize you again. Are you able to imagine the possibilities for yourself without thinking of carrying John too? Go forward with your voyage (to over-use this metaphor) and he will join you moving forward or not. No matter what he decides, you will feel better taking control over what you can – whatever teeny little step like “I’ll eat leafy greens because it feels good for me.” “I’ll go for a nice walk because I don’t want to feel stuck, I want to move.” “I’ll go out for a coffee with a friend- I can afford to treat myself!” Who knows, maybe your momentum will inspire him. We learn from each other as social animals. You can still do the weekly check-ins and make sure you share chores for the household if you want to wean off the dependency and test accountability.
Report back in a week, April 12th, pce42, and let us know how you chose to act, as if you were NOT waiting for John for you to feel the way you want to. It can only help both of you.April 6, 2018 at 1:40 pm in reply to: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please. #81159
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he’s ashamed to predict the costs and hoops of getting medicine, not to mention the INITIATION and FOLLOW THROUGH required to establish getting on medication. Those psychiatrists are medically trained and so they are pricey! And his insurance or lack there of, may prohibit IMAGINING that he can sustain the costs of daily/monthly medication.
If he does know what he wants to do to be productive, the medication *may* kickstart him and keep him going to thoroughly be dependable. There’s no guarantee that this will be smooth or possible but it’s a POSSIBILITY.
Maybe he needs to pursue this checklist on his own while you date others, even if he is living with you, because you need to know he’s making an effort and sacrificing as much as you are now. If he can’t MOTIVATE himself under those circumstances then you are “getting the short end of the stick”. To keep his morale up you can say, “I really hope you can give the medication a try because that is some hope for us. Meanwhile, I need to make other plans and I sure hope it’s possible to consider our future with you following up on your own self-sufficiency (meds or not). I need a partner in life at some capacity and RIGHT now – it feels like too much is on me. Please do try!”
Take care of loving yourself and you will not miss the emotional support that he has provided. You deserve that no matter what he chooses to do so promise yourself you will not abandon yourself. You have control of yourself and not him. Good luck! 🙂April 5, 2018 at 6:31 pm in reply to: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please. #81075
Keep your healthy boundaries now and going forward, no matter what.
Meds may help him if he gets the right “cocktail”. I’ve heard the right dose is a moving target sometimes but I’ve seen huge improvements in friends that got them and settled on a dose that works for them.
Maybe when he gets stable on meds he can contact you but until then he cannot?
Funny coincidence, my ADHD hubby thought he was going to imminently die and that was over 18 years and 2 kids ago…! 🙂
Take care of you.April 4, 2018 at 3:47 pm in reply to: Dating a Man with ADHD — my anxiety has spiked, seeking advice please. #80922
I can hear you like him for the reasons you stated and I can also understand why you have reservations for the reasons you stated. It is normal to feel anxiety when these alarming behaviors threaten your safety. It’s a conflict for you that they come in the package of the sweet man that you have learned to love.
Maybe imagining a future picture can help you predict your resolve to be with someone like this. ADHD is genetic, so if you were to learn to live with his behavior now, then you may be better equipped to raise the kids (who may or may not inherit this trait) in your hypothetical future. What will it be like to have an ADHD spouse and maybe an ADHD child? It means helping your spouse, possibly child(ren), establish unusual habits with phones, notes, planners, and other VISUAL reminders that their mind can’t hold without them. It means using positive reinforcement for mini-habits and mini-thoughts that will help them STAY on an even keel with their emotional and physical regulation. You may find yourself feeling like your brain is the only reliable brain to manage the family’s daily life and planned trajectory. When your family doesn’t meet the neuro-typical standards, can you still love them for where they are in that moment? Can you still work with them in a way that their brains can engage in with effectiveness and emotional safety? It will take patience and extra work. In some ways, these expectations are what we all have meeting any other person. At the same time, you will most probably find yourself in a regular pattern of knowing the good (authentic, enthusiastic, present, inventive, etc…) behaviors come with the not-so-good (forgetful, dis-regulated, un-initiating, depressed…) and you may admit to yourself that ADHD really *is* an invisible disability. But like with all disabilities, it’s not an impediment to a fulfilling and successful life. If you think the good outweighs the bad, then you will persevere (because we don’t outgrown ADHD) and you will know that all people are different and need different support and care. Good luck on what will work for you – there’s no right or wrong decision in this case.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by keypher.
I hear you. I miss the frenetic pace and zeal of my 20’s. In my 50’s I find myself fighting the lethargy and then realize that I have the possibility to be more present than ever before. While I exercise that muscle, I will take the advice of the others and exercise, learn something new, and act on something meaningful to me. Meanwhile, know we’re sharing a path and I’m rooting for you to find a happy balance as will I.
To follow up on what I wrote, I’d say it is a constant struggle but a struggle that gets easier because you start to see the recipe of what works for you over time. (Maybe you like physically active jobs where the pace is fast but does not include a lot of detailed data cross referencing or long tedious forms. ) I’m saying that you will notice when you are in the flow of what you are doing, you will notice when you lock your attention on a particular task or problem, and you will notice that you lost track of time when you were doing something…those are the things you follow as a clue of what to do for work. When you are doing those tasks you are going to be able to do without a lot of resistance. You will find the challenge without it being overwhelming. You will need good self talk!You will need grit! You will need time to be mindful of your courage. You’re not alone. I’ve hit bottom a lot and mostly in my 20s. After that, my “bottom” was higher but I can still drop, I’d like to think perspective helps me get up faster.
You are not a failure and you are figuring out what you do not like. If you really like the job you will figure out how to make it work. If you don’t like the job then the struggle just doesn’t seem worth it. You will change, your circumstances will change, and the only constant is that you are learning about what you are willing to do because it has meaning or inspiration for you. Meanwhile, pat yourself on the back for landing jobs in the first place. You are out there and making things happen for yourself and that is not to be overlooked. You are doing better than you think. Everyone is on their learning curve and you are noticing where you are on yours as a place to start but it will not be where you finish because OBVIOUSLY you are one to be willing to get back in the game. You, go, man.
Congratulations on your awareness and for being empathetic to her hurt and disappointment. It’ll get better but it’ll be earned each day until the past is a faded memory. It’s hard for one with ADHD to even keep track of active healing necessary so use a “Marriage Meeting” on a regularly scheduled day that is the best stress-free day for both of you. Maybe Sunday? Maybe a certain weeknight that you can both steal away with distractions cleared. “Marriage Meetings” is when you use eye to eye & hand in hand contact and a NOTEBOOK (since you have to keep track!) and use the techniques shared in this book https://www.amazon.com/Marriage-Meetings-Lasting-Love-Relationship/dp/1608682234
Use an independent bookstore if you don’t like Amazon – I have no affiliation with the book or bookstore.
Any couple can benefit from this book but particularly if one has ADHD because it starts to repair the damage immediately through a process starting with appreciation and intentionally stepping you both through becoming active partners again. The NOTEBOOK you keep will show you both the progress you will make.
Wishing you happiness and love (again).